Office Christmas parties ain’t what they used to be.
While I was never privy to the insanity that apparently took place back in the 70’s (according to TV and film, those things had everything from guys xeroxing their anuses to drugs to orgies to guys xeroxing their anuses with drugs while having an orgie), I have been to a couple back in the 90’s that were teetering on the verge of being a bit over the line. I’ve seen fist fights, ugly co-workers playing tonsil hockey, and drinking a plenty. In fact, one time your old buddy, your old pal RD Reynolds got so hammered that my boss had to drive me home…all whilst listening to me begging him not to can me.
If you ever wanted to know why Blade is often drunk on the show and I never am, believe me, that night would be the reason.
So yeah, at my real job (oh no, I think I just broke kayfabe!), they’ve toned down office Christmas parties. And when I say “toned down”, I mean “completely eliminated”. It’s sad, but it’s also the way that apparently companies are going these days. In the new overly litigious America, that’s the way it has to be. Otherwise Phil in marketing will file a lawsuit that it was the company’s fault he wrecked his car.
After all, he was drunk on booze the company provided.
Sadly, this mindset has affected not only 9 to 5 jobs like yours and mine, it’s affected Vince McMahon’s company as well. Don’t believe me? Then let’s channel the spirit of the Ghost of Monday Night Raw Past.
2001, to be exact.
Now this…THIS was a Christmas party. And why not? The guys had to work on Christmas Eve for crying outloud.
Ah, but what a joyous night it is. Not only do we have Vince in full MISTER MCMAHON mode, we have his stooges, Patterson in Brisco, dressed up as elves.
Yikes, I just noticed that.
I want you all to know that was a legitimate typo there.
Let’s try that again.
We have his stooges, Patterson AND Brisco, dressed up as elves.
And here I was originally just going to make fun of them for having pointy ears.
Just in case you thought you were watching today’s good ol’ PG-rated Raw, Vince brings in Santa’s ‘reindeers’. These would be skanky strippers who Vince grunts and groans about like they are Stacy Keibler in her prime.
But fortunately, Stacy Keibler – in her prime, I should add – is sitting right behind him on Santa’s lap.
I should note this Santa has glasses (no doubt displeasing that little girl in Miracle on 34th Street) which means it is, in fact, Bubba Ray Dudley. And apparently Stacy’s been VERY naughty.
Tell me more.
More fun shows up in the form of Booker T, who gives Vince a big hug. Brisco comes up for more love, and is promptly given the Heisman.
That was awesome.
No doubt you are asking, “RD, these guys are all rulebreakers (to quote the old Apter mags). Where are the fan favorites (to quote the old Apter mags)?”
Glad you asked.
They are having their own party, which appears to be taking place in a supply closet. I mean, I know Vince is the heel and all, but really, can’t Ric Flair do a little better for his guys than this?
I need to make that my ringtone every month of December.
I should also note that this may be the strangest collection of faces I’ve ever seen, with the unlikely trio of Albert, Kane, and Edge hanging out together. Can’t believe that ten years later two of these guys are feuding over a kidnapped Paul Bearer.
You know, I bet this is really what a WWF Christmas party in 2001 would be like: guys getting drunk, strippers, and Big Show being the comedian.
In case things weren’t wacky enough (and I hope Bryan doesn’t get upset that I stole his favorite word for this induction), Debra shows up with cookies.
Now for you younger Crappers, there was a storyline where Stone Cold’s wife (that would be Debra) baked cookies that everyone thought were terrible. And it went on forever and ever and ever and a day.
So it wasn’t all winners back then.
Back to the heel party we go, where…
…Billy and Chuck exchange gifts in a tender moment.
And what a great moment it is. I mean, not only do they get each other headbands with their name on it, prior to opening the package Billy says, and I quote: “Look! It has a B! FOR BILLY!”
As Tiny Tim proclaimed – God bless us! Everyone!
Over to Tazz (additional z required per Jerry McDevitt) who rags on Bubba for “not representing Christmas” well. Dude, he has a skank on his lap and a bottle of booze in his hand…what better way can you do this?
Tazz is shewed away by Bubba Claus saying his elves are taller than Tazz.
Ahh, WWF and their height jokes never get old.
Or funny for that matter.
The cavalcade of WWF personalities just keeps on keeping on, this time as It Came From YouTube! personality Howard Finkel shows up with two of the “finest looking ladies that money can buy”. It being 2001, that would of course be…
Moolah and Mae Young.
And Mae wants BOOZE!!!
I suspect this will not end well.
Back to the good guys we go, as they are all getting VERY snookered up and exchanging gifts. Apparently Kane got Albert and Show Kane masks for Christmas.
Note to the hobo: I do not want a Blade Braxton mask for Christmas.
You either, Kelly.
Arn Anderson then shows up to hang with Naitch. You know, with the booze, the stripppers…I bet these two had a LOT of Christmas parties like this back in the day.
And NOW the party can really start, as Stone Cold shows up. I’d generally cheer such an appearance without thought, but that “What?” shirt has me concerned.
You know, that started out funny.
Then week 2 it started to get annoying.
By week 3, I never needed to hear it again.
And yet, here we are 10 years later and we still hear it from time to time. Just goes to show you that even the greats misfire sometimes.
Austin hops up on Taji…err, as Austin calls him, TI-JIRI’s lap, and announces what he wants for Christmas: beer, a 5th of Crown Royal, a shot at Booker T, more beer, a shot at the undisputed Championship, a brand new pick up truck, more beer, a deer rifle, another middle finger, and more beer.
The beer I get. The title shots, sure. Truck, rifle…why not.
But another middle finger?
Where would he put it?
Now every Christmas party I went to back in the day had guys hitting on chicks in hopes of getting them to buy into the whole mistletoe thing. Here we have Test trying to bag Terri with such lines as, and with the God Lord above as my witness and I am NOT making this up, “Baby, I am hard as a rock.”
Can’t believe she didn’t drop to her knees and blow him right there.
BTW, I know we make fun of Terri all the time on the radio show, but remember back when she wore those half shirts that showed off the BOTTOM of her boobs? Someone needs to bring that look back.
In the middle of all this fun is an interview with Maven. Seriously, they’ve interrupted a Christmas party for a MAVEN promo.
And if that’s not bad enough, they actually schedule a match.
Now I could talk about that match, but why on earth would I when…
STEVE LOMBARDI AND HARVEY WHIPPLEMAN show up?
I don’t care if Maven is wrestling the love child of Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat, I’d rather be back to see if Pete Doherty might come walking through the door wearing a Santa hat.
Jericho (was wondering where the heck he was!) shows up with the Undisputed belts and talks about a lack of respect. Little did the poor guy know that the build up for WrestleMania would be him taking care of Stephanie’s dog.
How on earth have we never inducted THAT gem?
SPEAKING OF NIPPLE H…here she is to give her daddy the gift of horrible acting. Seriously, with a performance like that, you couldn’t get into a sixth grade production of Annie.
If you’re wondering what happened to Tazz, you’ll be happy to know that he left the heel party to go to the face party. If you ever wanted to know why guys would be ‘twiners’, it would be for reasons such as this: going to both good guy and bad guy pro wrestling Christmas parties.
BTW, if you’re not following Tazz on Twitter, you need to do so immediately. He sold me on doing so with his fantastic recap of the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade (not making that up). Tell him RD told you to follow him!
(I bet he’ll tweet you back “Who the F*** is RD?” At least I hope he does.)
Of course, it wouldn’t be Christmas without caroling, so Austin grabs his guitar and starts crooning.
As much as I love the Jillian Hall Christmas album, I’d buy 30 copies of a Rock/Austin Double CD set of holiday favorites.
And in the highlight of the night, we get a KANE GUITAR SOLO.
I can say without hyperbole that in the 10+ years of this site, I’ve never loved an animated GIF more than this one. I bet this thing shows up on message boards the internet over in the span of about 30 seconds of this induction being posted.
Of course, all this fun ends as you’d expect a 2001 WWF Christmas party to end: with Austin beating up Vince…
Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often).
Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!