Vince’s Bastard Son: 2007 Gooker Award Winner

9 Submitted by on Thu, 20 January 2011, 21:11

WWE, 2007
Mega Thanks to Bill Brown for His Assitance with This Induction!

It may sound absurd, or more accurately perhaps, pretentious, but I pretty much know every year going into the Gooker Award voting who is going to win. Yes, it’s been up for you, my fellow Crappers, to decide the past few years. And while there have been some suprises here and there, as a rule of thumb…I pretty much know. When you write about this stuff week after week for seven plus years, you tend to get a good feel for these things. And this year was absolutely no different.

After all, did what else combined all the bad wrestling, missed opportunities, and flat out rampant stupidity that the story of Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son storyline did? It was an angle that not only made no sense, but one that saw viewers flee from their televisions in droves.

That, friends, is what the Gooker is all about.

Ironically, the entire storyline started with another storyline that would have no doubt been in the running for this year’s “Worst of the Worst” award had a real life tragedy not gotten in the way. Maybe you’ve blocked that one from your memory. If so, I can’t blame you. But I also can’t let you get off the hook that easily, so here is a two-frame animated GIF to bring it all back for you:

Certainly, “Vince McMahon Gets Blown to Smithereens” could certainly have been followed by a colon and then the words “2007 Gooker Award Winner”. But when Chris Benoit went insane and killed his family, WWE had the good sense to drop the storyline cold. Likewise, we here at the Crap decided that there was no way we could in good conscience have that in the voting when it ended prematurely due to such a horrific event.

Nevertheless, leave it to the crack WWE creative team to come up with something else that would wind up winning, also involving no less than Vince McMahon himself. And in a weird twist of fate, it even wound up starting the same way.

Yes, once more Vince was getting into his white stretch limo, looking for all the world like the exact same one that had sent him to kingdom come just months earlier. Maybe I’m just superstitious, but I think I would have chartered a different vehicle.

A VW bus I’m thinking. Maybe that’s just because I can’t imagine any true WWE fan not be riveted to the screen watching Vince tool around town in a chartreusse microbus.

Regardless, soon enough Vinny Mac was once again headed for certain doom. But this time, it wasn’t an explosion. It was a paternity suit!

The catch? The mother wasn’t forthcoming with information, namely who the child was!

Each week, Vince would get a clue as to who the child was. So apparently the mom was either the Riddler or a Scooby Doo Villian.

Note to Vince: if this ever happens in the future, I’d suggest dumping Jerry McDevitt in favor of Encycolpedia Brown.

One week he was told “things were looking up.” The next week we learned that Vince Jr. was in fact a WWE superstar.

The mind reeled at the possibilities. Perhaps a Highlander, like Rory McMahon? Super Crazy McMahon? Maybe he had sex with Bob Orton and sired Randy Orton!

Week after week this went on, and all I could think of was just how much fun this was going to be.

After all, what if Vince’s son was…

…the Boogeyman?!

As Coach noted, he did have Vince’s eyes

Of course, with the good came the bad, as we’d get constant updates about all the women Vince had slept with over the years, ranging boinking some broad on an iceberg to shooting his load on Mount Rushmore

Somehow, I will never be able to watch North by Northwest the same again.

Still, that was Eddie Murphy in his prime compared to an Evening at the Improve with Triple H, who introduced us to his guesses as to who the mother might be. These ranged from a fat woman (because, if there’s one thing WWE has taught over the years, FAT PEOPLE ARE FUNNY)…

…and Frank, a transvestite (ditto).

Naturally, this was also a grand excuse to bring out every McMahon under the sun, from Linda to Skippy to Nipple H.

You know, when I look most forward to seeing Robo-Linda, that’s a bad sign.

Still, there was hope for the angle, as the big tease was that it was going to be Mr. Kennedy.

Indeed, that’s where everything was headed, and it made perfect sense; this was the guy WWE wanted to shoot to the moon, and what better way than by making him the son of the biggest name in business?

Now while I don’t care for the guy personally (just like WWE, I don’t like liars), hey…why not make a new main eventer? After all, I can only see so much Hunter, Randy Orton, and Batista.

Naturally, since that made so much sense and could have lead to matches people might pay to see, it wasn’t him.

(And save the emails about him being suspended so it couldn’t be him – they could have simply built the angle for a few more weeks and had an even bigger pay-off.)

No, instead we got one final tease for the reveal. Once more, all the WWE stars gathered around the ring. I still held out hope for Big Daddy V McMahon. So the lawyer came out, and explained that instead of telling Vince flat out who Vince’s son was, he would tell him who he was NOT.

So we learned that…

1) Vince’s son was not Extreme (damn, I was hoping for Balls MacHoney)…

2) He had a “fondness for gold”. Thus, he was a champion. Or a former champion. I think that maybe two people left.

Sadly, though, this meant that my dreams of “Hacksaw” Jim McMahon were also dashed.

3) He was white.

Aww, crap…that means Mark Henry would not be the World’s Strongest McMahon!

4) He had blonde hair.

Sorry Kane, you are therefore NOT the Big Red McMahon. Which is really a shame, as I’d have loved to have them attempt to explain the already inexplicable Kane family storyline by muddling it further.

5) He was not a tag team wrestler. No Trevor Murdock McMahon.

Good Lord, is this guy about done yet? My jokes keep getting worse as this thing drags on!

So we wound up with the final three of Triple H, JBL, and…THE SANDMAN.

My God, YES! The SandMcMahon!

I’ve said it so many times over the years that it’s lost some of its lustre, but I can say, without hyperbole, that the term “license to print money” has never been more appropos.

Sadly, both JBL and Sandman were nixed, leaving us with just Hunter and Vince in the ring together. Ick.

“But wait!” cried the attorney. Apparently Vince’s son liked to play games, yes, but these games would be tiddlywinks and marbles. You see, Vince’s little bastard wasn’t Hunter, but rather…

…the Little Bastard himself, Hornswaggle!

And thus, we didn’t get a new main eventer, but rather more comedy!

Wait, scratch that. We got more BAD comedy, usually revolved around the fact that Vince viewed his new son as a two-year old. See, because he’s small. No matter that he had, you know, a BEARD. If you’re under five feet tall, by golly, you must be a toddler!

Anyway, we got antics like William Regal babysitting and losing him. And where did Regal look for Little Mac? Why under the couch cushions, of course.

So now Hornswaggle had reverted to being a child, but had somehow apparently morphed into a nickle.

Or perhaps a shilling. He is Irish, after all.

Later, it would be Coach’s turn to watch the little tyke, who proceeded to take off on a tricycle. Like any good babysitter, Coach gave chase on a bicycle.

Had he used a unicycle, I probably would not have even had this up for the award this year.

Sound cartoonish? Ya ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

After all, who could forget when Horny trapped Coach under the ring and proceeded to blow him up with a giant TNT plunger?

Or the time when Carlio trapped Horny using the lure of FREE ICE CREAM SANDWICHES?

Ok, I must go into more detail on this one, as it may be the the single most idiotic scene ever witnessed on television.

See, Carlito had the little guy trapped against a brick wall. There was nowhere for Little Mac to go.

Undeterred, Horny reached into his coat and pulled out a…can of spray paint?

He spun around, and began to spray the wall (yes, with the paint, you pervs).

Soon enough, he had painted what appeared to be a door. Or maybe a headstone. Hard to say.

Around and around Carlito he ran, all the while accompanied by cartoony sound effects

Into the wall he ran and poof! He was gone!

Much like those watching at home, Carlito stood in disbelief.

Unlike anyone at home, however, he then proceeded to run into the wall himself.

And yeah, you pretty much can guess the result.

Amazingly enough, this angle didn’t end there. No no – it continues to this day. And while I may have broken a rule here or there by putting it up for nomination for 2007 (as it has not yet concluded), I flat out don’t care.

After all, has there ever been a better contender to win back-to-back Gooker awards?

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
9 Responses to "Vince’s Bastard Son: 2007 Gooker Award Winner"
  1. Hisame says:

    Sandman was actually meant to get out of the ring when the others left but he forgot

  2. Lyle says:

    This is the induction that got me into this site. I’d heard of WrestleCrap before, but never had much interest. Then this induction was announced at some wrestling news site, and I was curious because I didn’t think it was that awful. I’d missed many of the episodes that featured this, so I was (at the time) unaware of how bad it was. Once I checked it out, I liked it and I’ve been visiting the site on an almost weekly basis ever since.

    • George Rose says:

      If I had it my way Brian Kendrick would be revealed as Vince’s son instead of Hornswoggle. Mainly because Hornswoggle was a absolute shit choice as Vince’s son, and because of that terrible decision the whole storyline went tits up from there. Anyway, kendrick would be revealed as Vince’s son and would then become the New Chairman of WWE and the biggest Heel in the company. He would win the WWE Title from John Cena at Summerslam 2007, and would then go on a unstoppable rampage, destroying anyone who crossed him and wronged him. Triple H woud then return, and would reveal his Kayfabe marriage to Stephanie to the whole world, and then start going after Kendrick. A Babyface Edge would win the 2008 Royal Rumble, and Kendrick would lose the WWE Title in a elimination Chamber match to a Heel Jeff Hardy thanks to interference from Triple H, who wouldn’t be in the Match.
      Kendrick and HHH would then meet in a brutal match at WM24, with Edge vs Jeff Hardy for the WWE TItle, Undertaker vs Kane for the WHC and John Cena vs a heel William Regal as other secondary matches. HHH would then beat Kendrick, only for vince to return and reveal that he faked his own death in order to give the coma y to his “own son”, Kendrick.

      • Guest says:

        Brian Kendrick main event star?…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Oh boy I needed a good laugh.

      • Jimbolian says:

        Go home Russo, you’re drunk.

  3. Leebo13 says:

    Am I wrong for thinking that the only way this could have been more Gooker worthy is if Hector Guerrero was revealed to be Vince’s son?

  4. M says:

    Well, at least most of the material that they were going to probably use if Kennedy was revealed as the bastard son was revived when Orton started to harass the McMahon family in 2009.

  5. John Cameron Trade Rat says:

    To be honest, I would have said that the Gooker that year should have gone to McMahon for his actions after the Benoit family tragedy. Not only did Vince try to portray himself as the real victim to the press, but his announcement on ECW the following night made it sound like Benoit murdered his family just to inconvenience him! Oh and Vince, pretending Benoit never worked for WWE was pretty dumb, too. Grow the f–k up!

  6. FuzzyDunlop says:

    I know sandman only stuck around because he missed his cue, (and from a business standpoint why would you book the Sandman in such a high profile storyline at this point in his career, or at all really) but goddamn it really does write itself. Imagine it’s revealed it REALLY WAS Sandman, and the next week or two is spent by both parties trying to disprove it because obviously they would hate each other. WWE unfunny slapstick ensues.

    Then when some slapstick proof is dredged up, both the McMahons and the newly-minted SandMcMahon have to deal with this reality – so Vince and Co. think to put SandMcMahon through a gauntlet to run him off because Vince is a vain, proud man and not fond of his improprieties staring him in the face (unless they happen to be on their knees, barking in their underwear for all the world to see), and more importantly because SandMcMahon’s new siblings are worried about a challenge to their inheritance. (It doesn’t make much sense, I know – we’re operating on WWE dreamlogic)

    So all of the regular McMahons proceed to talk down to the McMahon of the Sand (was Mohammed Hassan still a thing during this time? Maybe he’d also make a good illegitimate McMahon), and now incensed and seeking to prove them wrong about the ease with which he can be dispatched, SandMcMahon resolves to make them eat their words. First he has to run through a gauntlet of matches against his former ECW comrades (maybe this takes place on the ECW show so people have a reason to care about it), so Balls Mahoney, Sabu, Tommy Dreamer… whomever’s left… Nunzio? By hook and by crook the SandMcMahon dispatches each one, much to the regular McMahons’ consternation.

    Then they’re like “enough of this extreme shite, send in the super-heavy jobbers” so SandMcMahon must survive the likes of Big Daddy V and Mark Henry and Bigshow and eventually Umaga because he still had monster booking at this point. By the skin of his teeth, through increasingly contrived circumstances SandMcMahon persists. All of his beloved big sweaty men having been dispatched, Vince allows his second-favorite son Shane take over efforts to dispatch his alcoholic half-brother, and unlike that one Thanksgiving when the cops had to be called to stop your two uncles from killing each other when uncle Frank set fire to the house with the deep-fryer, Shane opts first for less direct means.

    Figuring the kryptonite to the SandMcMahon is actually having to wrestle, Shane books him in a series of matches against gifted technical wrestlers starting first with the jobbiest one they got (so Finley, unfortunately), and just to tip odds in their favor Shane also engages in increasingly convoluted sabotage attempts. Either by actually learning how to wrestle or through creative cheating, SandMcMahon triumphs (hell, maybe all this pushing might actually get people to cheer the emaciated, wrinkly lush) against Shane’s athletically-gifted (and probably more deserving of a push) job-squad and exasperated, and under increasing pressure from the elder McMahon (who may even hint at a begrudging level of respect for the often-redheaded SandMcMahon’s resilience), Shane not only seeks to dispatch him but prove his superiority in the process.

    Thinking he’s got a shot because of his stint of stupid antics during the late 90’s, Shane books a streetfight at some PPV or another, and just to uneven the odds and cover all of his bases Shane makes it a handicap match with their most senior, tippy-top technical wrestler and himself against the upstart sleepy-boi. (Angle would be perfect, but he was gone pursuing a hobby in pharmaceuticals at the time so whomever’s left, maybe in this fictional version of the world Krispen didn’t do the thing he did idk) The idea is for Shane to cover the streetfight side of things and mat-boi to cover the wrestling side of things, doesn’t matter since through a series of wacky occurrences and gratuitous run-ins, a violent streetfight, and at least one classic Shane pratfall later SandMcMahon is victorious.

    Later that night or the next Monday – after much strategically tension-building soul searching – Wrinkles McMahon senior calls Wrinkles McMahon junior out to the ring and offers his hand in acceptance to his illegitimate progeny and after an uneasy moment of hesitation, SandMcMahon not only shakes that hand, but father and son embrace – the heel turn is complete and the stage is set for the second act of this familial drama when Corporate SandMcMahon is taken under his father’s wing and given an authority role over the ECW show in order to groom him for a more prestigious command – that way ECW is still relevant – guys like Balls and Sabu and Dreamer and… whomever’s left of the old breed (…Nunzio?) are incredulous at this turn of events and feud with Corporate Sandman (maybe he tries to win them to his side of things – imagine a Corporate Sabu looking every bit like Saudi secret service in his suit/keffiyeh combo) while relative-newbies like CM Punk and… Bob Holly? also clash with the corporate huckster with allegations that he “sold out” and all that jazz. Maybe all the originals minus Tommy Dreamer (because that wouldn’t even make sense in dream logic) take the buy-in and turn heel and an impromptu Punk/Dreamer alliance is formed (maybe Heyman has a part to play, too). I’m going to great lengths here to try and make this hypothetical more than just a memey ‘what-if’ and actually benefit more than just the principle actors.

    I would really play this whole thing for camp, with vignettes of Sandman learning how to play golf, looking every bit like a mix of Carlton Banks and a less-embarrassing Kerwin whiteface Chavo. His blue-collar upbringing clashing with his newly-embraced blue blood. I imagine they’d be as fun to watch as to produce, with Corporate Sandman hobnobbing with whichever B-listers are willing to degrade themselves by appearing in those segments (I bet David Arquette would be all over that shit, that’s proper cheap heat).

    Yes, I know this has obvious shades of the much-maligned Austin heel turn but here’s a hard pill to swallow – the Stone Cold gimmick has shades of Sandman so really this is just poetic justice. (someone needs to talk to Austin about nabbing Mikey Whipwreck’s finisher on the way out, too, but that’s a story for another day…)

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