USA Network, 1998
Pacific Blue was a USA Network show notable for two things:
Kicking off the 1997 Sunday night lineup called, “Sunday Night Heat” [not to be confused with the wrestling show of the same name, which debuted the following year]…
…and for being a police drama about cops who ride bikes – not motorcycles, but bicycles.
Make that three things this show is notable for: guest stars from the WWF, like Triple H, who starred in the 1998 episode, “Seduced”.
The show begins with Mario Lopez partying with officer Russ…
…who pops in a VHS copy of Jailbait 3 and is immediately disturbed by it.
Is he bothered that the porno has better acting than this show?
No, actually it stars his friend who is a legit 16 year old kid. “I hate to tell you Russ,” laughs Lopez, “but she ain’t a little kid anymore!” Lopez plays a cop on this show, too, by the way.
Cue the intro, featuring some of the most Xtreme cycling you’ve ever seen from a police force.
The next day, Russ and Mario confront a petty porn peddler about where he gets his illicit wares.
He won’t talk, so Russ starts using some strong-arm tactics like knocking over his boxes, knocking over more of his boxes, and dumping his tapes into some very clean trash bins, making them unsellable to germophobes.
Before Russ can wreak any further havoc, the porno guy spills some porno details about a porno associate of the underaged Molly McConnell, alias Tiffany.
Using their leads, they arrive at the adult film studio VIP Films, which is like the sydicated series VIP starring Pam Anderson but less exploitative.
And who should stand guard there but Triple H, who is wearing a DX t-shirt as an actress pulls up in her car blasting the DX theme!
The two exchange an obscene crotch gesture that must be some strange porn ritual. “Hey, Triple H, baby!” says the woman.
Yeah, so Triple H plays a security guard who does the DX chop and wears a D-Generation X t-shirt at all times and is also named Triple H.
Often when I write about a wrestler (or even just a famous actor – Mario Lopez, for example) playing a character on TV or in a movie, I find it easier to just call the character by their “real” name, and clearly, Pacific Blue’s writers felt the same way.
Still, this raises some tricky questions:
Is Pacific Blue’s Triple H supposed to be the same Triple H from the WWF?
Does he like DX because its leader looks just like him and has the same name, or does he dress and act like Triple H and call himself Triple H because he likes DX?
Is the DX in the Pac Blue universe the same as in “real” life, just without Triple H?
Does Pacific Blue’s version of DX have a completely different lineup altogether (say, Marty Jannetty, Jeff Jarrett, Bart Gunn, Bob Holly, Steven Regal, and Jacqueline)?
One thing that sets Pac Blue’s Triple H from the real Triple H is that he appears to be involved with a woman who can’t further his career.
What could further his career is a better agent so he could avoid dialogue like this:
“How are you sweetheart?”
“Ooh, you’re looking mighty sweet, Miss Sherri!”
“Yeah, well I taste even better!”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I could rip off three heads and use them as bowling balls!”
Trips then strikes a satisfied pose, as if to celebrate the impending sexual conquest he has all but secured with that “bowling balls” line.
Russ sneaks in and confronts evil director Chuck Warner, who tells the stranger on his porno set that Molly’s not working. Russ responds with an angry grunt and a light shove. Then trouble starts to go down, as Triple H enters the scene to the D-Generation X entrance theme. Really.
Russ gives Triple H a very loud punch that he no-sells.
Triple H retaliates by press-slamming him onto a mattress, which, as the youngest of three boys and a ten-plus-year veteran of rough-housing, I can assure you does not hurt.
Warner assures Russ that he has documentation that Molly is 18. Triple H, which, again, is the character’s name on the show, frisks Russ and discovers a loaded gun on his person.
Warner confiscates the bullets but returns the gun to him.
Warner chides Russ for being self-righteous and over-protective of the women in his life. “It’s a 40 billion dollar business, son,” he explains. “Every girl in every frame of every film is somebody’s sister.” If that’s true, imagine how much more the porn industry would make if it hired actresses who were the only child!
Triple H elbows Russ very loudly…
…and gives him the Jazz treatment while the DX theme lightly plays…
…but all in all, the villainous Chuck Warner has been extremely kind to Russ, considering he thinks he’s just some crazed armed trespasser who assaulted him and his security, rather than a police officer violating several amendments.
Russ gets a call on his cellular phone from Mario Lopez, who has found Molly at something called “Spank! Super Sale”.
Relax. They sell clothes.
The costume, hair, and makeup people were faced with a dilemma: Molly needs to look like a sex worker, but because she’s supposed to be underage, she can’t appear sexually attractive.
Russ hugs a very rad Molly, leading to this Shakespearean exchange:
“You don’t look so good. Where have you been?”
“I’ve been looking for you at Chuck Warner’s studio. I saw one of your movies…”
“Well, I hope you got off on it.”
I can’t tell whether she’s being sarcastic, flirtatious, or just concerned about the quality of her work, but she won’t have any of Russ’s moralizing…
…so she hops in a red sports car with some sleazeball. Since he drives away at over 10 miles per hour, Russ and Mario can’t follow them on their police vehicles.
Russ finally reports the case to the higher-ups in the department, who grant him 48 hours to solve the case in which he has a personal stake, and in which has repeatedly violated due process, before they hand it over to the vice squad (who have cars).
Back at the studio, Johnny the sleazeball (who is a former porn star turned producer, like Sean Morley in his forgettable stint in TNA) tells Chuck not to worry about “Tiffany” being underage, just to make sure she finishes her last day of shooting on Jailbait 4.
This sounds like an entirely reasonable business plan; you can’t expect to just re-shoot a movie with an actress of legal age! You know how much thought, time, and money it takes to film a pornographic movie? And what would the fans of the Jailbait franchise think if the starring role were recast? Continuity, story arcs, artistic integrity: these are the things that porn consumers care about.
Silently, Chuck wonders whether his producer’s sexual relationship with an underaged girl poses a conflict of interest.
At the station, the Lieutenant asks a female officer to go undercover as a film student for the case. Jamie has to get hands-on experience with porn under the alias is “Sarah Kellogg”, which is ironic because the Kelloggs invented corn flakes to prevent people from ever wanting a hands-on experience with porn.
As if the main storyline weren’t enough…
…there is also a porn-tastic (or “fan-ographic”) subplot involving one of the cops posing nude for “Playpen magazine”…
…which does not feature underage models, despite being named after a piece of furniture for toddlers.
Obviously, there is no actual nudity on the show…
…but there is lots of product placement.
In the main plot, Russ shows up to confront Molly and Johnny the sleazeball, who never loses his cool over meeting the “psycho” who previously snuck into his studio with a loaded gun.
It turns out Molly’s brother Tim was Russ’s best friend who died of either a heroin overdose or a sewing machine accident.
On the porno set, Warner assures an actress that her outfit does not make her look fat. Good for him, refusing to body-shame like that.
Jamie shows up looking for a job, claiming that a friend of hers used to “pull cable” for him (non-euphemistically).
When that gets her nowhere with the case, she is told to become more than just a stagehand…
…which she does to Triple H’s approval.
Russ reveals to Molly he’s a cop and offers, in exchange for her testimony, to keep her out of jail (for the crime of being sexually exploited).
Always thinking ahead, Warner tells Johnny to send Molly far far away to keep her from talking to the cops…
…but Johnny finds her with Russ’s official police business card (which is not, as you might assume, just an index card with “911” written on it).
Walker decides to make Jailbait 4 into a “snuff film”, which will only get him into more trouble because underage girls aren’t allowed to consume any tobacco products, even the smokeless kind.
So he’s going to kill her instead.
When the studio suddenly starts shutting down and Molly is nowhere to be found, undercover Jamie calls the rest of the cops, who rush to the scene as soon as humanly possible without driving a car.
Time is of the essence, as Molly has only a few minutes to live after being given drugs, after which Johnny will stage a fake car accident to explain her death.
Fortunately, Russ pedals as fast as his little legs will let him, all the way to VIP Studios.
Walker flees in a car, but his escape route is cut off by other officers in…
…gas-powered vehicles!? That’s cheating!
Johnny surrenders at gunpoint, and Russ demands answers.
“Warner gave her something.”
Naturally, Russ punches him out before he can give any more details.
After punching the suspect who surrendered with his hands up, Russ calls for an ambulance for a possible drug overdose, though he doesn’t know which drug specifically because he knocked unconscious the only person who could have given him that valuable information.
Walker fires at the cop cars and runs into the studio…
…where Jamie tries to arrest him but is slammed (or body-slammed, as the press likes to call it) against the wall by Triple H.
As a loyal employee, Triple H is glad to assault cops who try to arrest his employer, even when that employer won’t be able to pay him anymore because he’s shutting down and fleeing to Mexico.
Two more cops arrive at the scene, but those bulky, gas-guzzling police humvees are in the way.
Fortunately, a conveniently placed flat-bed trailer allows them to jump the cars and be xtreme at the same time.
Another cop is about to arrest Warner, but Triple H rebuts her without missing a beat.
“Guess again, blondie!”
— Art O’Donnell (@Art0Donnell) August 4, 2017
He then suplexes her. Like, really. A vertical suplex.
As Molly gets CPR for her mystery drug overdose…
…Mario Lopez tries his hand at catching Walker, only for Trips to make his third save in a row.
Lopez responds by AA-ing Trips onto some boxes (perhaps the same boxes Russ tipped over earlier in the show)…
…but Triple H puts him in a bearhug until the suplexed cop hits him with a fire extinguisher. It should have been a bowling ball.
Walker climbs to the roof and tries to shoot Russ…
…but another cop picks him off…
…and he falls through a window…
…and onto a mattress from the porno set. Good thing he landed on that mattress, otherwise he would have died from the fall…
…if not the gunshot wound to the head.
Triple H, I can only assume, was arrested and spent the next few years in prison for assaulting police officers…
…during which time Jeff Jarrett married Stephanie McMahon and became a WWE legend.