Hot off the Faxtrolla comes the news that TNA is changing its name and will now be known simply as Impact Wrestling. While many in the know, such as Dave Meltzer, claim that this change will have zero effect on the struggling company and is more or less a waste of time, I respectfully disagree. I’ve been saying for years that those three initials strung together made the company look completely low-rent and casts a shadow over everything they do. In fact, I even put those feelings in print in The WrestleCrap Book of Lists! (help the site, buy fourteen copies!), when I gave it the numbers one spot on our list of the Wrestling’s Six Worst Acronyms:
“1. TNA: When Jeff and Jerry Jarrett decided to once again get back into the wrestling promotion business in 2002, they had many important decisions to make, not the least of which is what to name the company. Although it was decided that they would compete under the ages old National Wrestling Alliance banner, they believed that NWA was too passé and carried too much old-school baggage to be held alone as the company’s brand name, especially given the fact that the idea was for the promotion to give fans a brand new type of wrestling, one based on total nonstop action. Total nonstop action? Now there’s a name! And look at the initials: TNA! Why, people will be very curious as to what the hell we’re up to! Such was the moronic thinking, and soon enough, NWA-TNA morphed into TNA. Want to have fun with the wife one night? Tell her that you and little Billy are going to watch some TNA. A little free advice to any future promoters: do not name your company in such a way that a) parents won’t let their kids watch it and b) it may cause domestic violence.”
So yeah, I think that was a pretty stupid name. Kudos for someone in the company realizing that having a company name that people would be ashamed to tell their friends about was a bad idea.
The question, of course, going forward is what will this mean for the promotion. Rumors abound that the company is now going to focus on in-ring action and thus will be toning down the storylines.
As if.
Still, I do wonder with the elimination of the TNA designation if Dixie and crew might actually pull back a bit on the gratuitious, well, T&A that has permeated the company since day one (anyone remember the cage dancers?).
If so, that might mean saying sayanora to matches such as the Lockbox Challenge!
Don’t remember it, you say?
I was going to type, “How could you forget such an epic encounter? Are you stoned?” but then I realized that I didn’t remember it until someone messaged me over on Facebook and suggested that I induct it.
And I assure you I am not stoned.
That out of the way, the Lockbox Challenge (or Showdown as it says on this graphic) was an eight-woman matchin which the winners got keys that opened boxes, and inside the boxes were prizes like title belts and tarantulas.
Oh, and the right / punishment of doing a strip tease in front of the geeks at the Impact Zone.
To quote Taz: “If you like Knockouts and you like boxes, you’re going to love what’s up next!”
Indeed!
Who doesn’t like boxes and keys?!
To warm up for the encounter, the team of the Beautiful People did stretching.
STRETCHING I say.
That or Velvet Sky was auditioning to become a blow up doll.
Your choice.
The participants for team number one in this titantic struggle are Angelina Love, Tara, ODB, and Hamada.
Sometime when you are bored, go to YouTube and type in “Hamada wrestling.” You ‘ll find all this fascinating footage of her back in Japan.
In TNA, she makes goofy hand gestures, seemingly for her own amusement.
I’d go off on a rant about how badly this promotion misuses talent, but seriously, does anyone need to hear THAT again?
Their opponents would be Velvet, Madison Rayne, Lacey Von Erich, and Daffney.
Oooh…Lacey Von Erich. This has the potential to be a ***** classic!
And the action commences with…well…Madison putting Tara’s head between her legs and then bouncing her up and down in a very lewd and rhythmic manner.
I should note that Tara’s face is actually hitting the mat, not Madison’s poontang, much to the dismay of the key Thursday night lesbian demographic.
To summarize: if it looks like Tara has her head up Madison’s anus, then the near-1080p high definition 2-frame animated GIF I’ve provided has done its work.
Sadly, the ‘pelvis thrust into a forehead head butt type of thing’ as called by Taz isn’t enough to help Madison, who loses to Tara, which causes both women to leave the ring.
So I guess in this particular elimination match, you are eliminated if you win OR lose.
As I’m very fond of saying every Thursday night between 9 and 11pm…THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
Daffney gets a key next, apparently in a manner so exciting that it happened during a commercial break.
I should note that this is a taped show.
This leads to Velvet vs. ODB. Not sure I’ve ever mentioned it here at the Crap, but ODB seriously may be my favorite female wrestler in YEARS. I’m totally not making that up, and if you need evidence to that fact, well, here’s a Crapshoot I did for FSM in which I proclaimed my love for her.
So of course she gets pinned. Eh, who cares – she has her canteen of booze, so why would she want a spider or to do a strip tease anyway?
And we finish up with Angelina vs. Lacey Von Erich, and the highlight here is Lacey doing a moonsault…then landing on her feet…then dropping an elbow. Which she misses.
That seriously may be the stupidest move I’ve ever seen, and I remember when Sgt. Slaughter used to finish guys with a noogie.
So Angelina wins.
If Russo really wanted to swerve us, he’d have Angelina open up her box and fine a Double Whopper combo.
That girl really needs to eat a sandwich.
To the boxes we go, and Velvet gets to go first, delighted that she has won a contract that will allow her any match of her choosing. She would later use for a leather and lace title match with her foe at the time, Angelina Love.
You know, if I won a match…err, opened a box…that gave me the right to choose a match, I’d make it a “I Have to Pin You for a One Count to Win, You Have to Pin Me for a 10,000 Count To Win” match.
Maybe I’m just a poor sport.
Tara opens her box next.
That sentence sounded so pornographic I bet Net Nanny censored it.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that she was the champion going into this match, and that her title is in one of the boxes.
Will she retain said title?
Of course not, silly.
She does get her tarantula back, though, and for that reason she is very happy and begins to kiss the container it’s in.
Actually, she begins to MAKE OUT with the container.
I mean, she is MACKING on that thing in a manner that would put Elizabeth Berkley inShowgirls to shame.
Again, that means Tara has lost the championship.
You know, because she didn’t open the right BOX.
And that means either Angelina Love or Daffers is going to be the Knockout champ.
The other?
They’s gots to strip necked.
As JB shills for the crowd, the boxes are opened and…
…Angelina wins the belt!
I’ve not seen such a hard fought title win since Andre the Giant handed the “World World Tag Team Championship” to Ted DiBiase back in ’88.
Angelina winning the belts means that Daffney has to strip.
She is not pleased, but heads to the ring nevertheless, which causes Taz to exclaim, “Oh my God, Mike, have you ever seen a Zombie strip?”
As Daffney is disrobing, Tara is stroking her spider container like it’s a…ummm…that is…ok, yeah, a penis.
There, I said it.
And it goes on, with Daffney stripping at the speed of a tectonic plate movement while the most bizarre stipper music ever plays.
She’s really milking this thing.
…I’m surprised Tara isn’t looking like Orlando Jordan yet.
Did I mention that Orlando spraying himself there happened on this exact same show?
This was truly an Impact for the ages!
…who does strip, and is apparently happy to do so. Well, she wasn’t much of a wrestler, so boooyah for her finding a new line of work.
Or perhaps an old line of work, as Tenay notes it looks like she may have done this before.
YOU DON’T SAY.
So a brawl breaks out between Tara and Angelina (somehow back down in the ring).
As Lacey continues stripping.
And Daffney lays on the ground.
That’s really TNA in a nutshell: so much crap going on that you need like six brains to try to handle it all.
Or maybe no brains, as here’s a little known TNA fun fact for you: there have been very few people in this company that had the ability to move ratings at all. Believe it or not, for a period of time, an appearance by Daffney of all people did move the needle and get more viewers to tune in (or “pop a rating” as the kids used to say back in the ’90s).
Those in charge of TNA knew this, and thus decided to stop booking her on television.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love this company?
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It was one of the most shocking exoduses from pro wrestling in recent years. It took the industry by storm, and it seems there are no shortages of opinions on the matter. One of the hottest young talents in the business has been driven away from the spotlight for reasons that could not have been more ridiculous. And like pretty much everyone else I’ve spoken to, I too am completely outraged.
I cannot believe ODB has left TNA.
What? You thought I was talking about someone else?
Laugh if you will, but I’m not. ODB was by far the most interesting woman in wrestling prior to her telling Dixie to take a hike. Was she the sexiest? No. Was she the best worker? No. But was she the most entertaining? Absolutely. And why was that? Because she was different, unique, and was completely believable as her character. When I watched ODB, I didn’t think it was someone pretending to be something she wasn’t. I truly believed her character and what it was. Compare that to say, Michelle McCool. I don’t know what her motives are ; no clue as to who she is supposed to be.
Amazingly, I still don’t believe any of it.
When ODB hit the screen, I knew what I was getting, and it was entertaining. It was different. She wasn’t every other bikini model skank, she was a white trash, trailer park skank. That’s a big difference! I couldn’t wait to see her swig from her flask as she waited to get into a fist fight with the other ‘broads’ (her words, not mine) in TNA. I knew I wasn’t going to get a five star mat classic, but it didn’t matter because I did know that I would be entertained by her antics.
And let me tell you something, the pairing of her and Cody Deaner was the absolute best television I had seen in wrestling in literally years. The training segments in which he chased a duck? Awesome. The Deaner using ODB’s giant jugs as “speed bags”? Brilliant. And the culmination of the pairing, a match which pitted the two against each other and in which ODB used Deaner’s shirt to not only wipe her ass but her taint as well? There’s but one word to describe that, and it’s “legendary.” People can say that TNA’s fall began with their ill-fated move to Monday nights, but I’d say it was No Surrender 2009 when the greatest comedy duo in the business since they heyday of Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan split.
And now? Deaner’s been gone for months. And ODB has told TNA she’s had enough and is leaving too, presumably to pursue an acting career. If there’s any justice in this world, we’ll see some Z-level cable network create a sitcom starring them both.
So while everyone else is bemoaning the fate of Bryan Danielson, I’m saving my tears for someone else.. Because as great as Danielson is, personally I’ll miss the old dirty bitch way more.