INDUCTION: The XPW Raw Sewage Match – Xtremely Poopy Wrestling

25 Submitted by on Thu, 13 December 2018, 21:30

XPW, 2002

This week’s induction is going to be on the lean side due to a last-minute change of plans.

See, up until last night, my plan was to induct the low-budget film, “Florida Bush League Wrestling”, a mockumentary made around 2000 that some distributor appears to have bought the rights to and then smothered with a laugh track.

Think about that: Documentaries don’t have laugh tracks.

Mockumentaries don’t have laugh tracks.

Films in general don’t have laugh tracks.

This movie has a laugh track.

And it’s a real shame, too, because the movie underneath it all actually seems pretty amusing, with solid performances and deadpan humor. Yet I don’t get to decide for myself whether a line like, “Wrestling is like my family” is worthy of a chuckle or was even intended to be funny in the first place. Instead I, the viewer, am bombarded with hysterical fits of canned laughter.

But, still, I can’t very well churn out a thousand words or more about a stupid laugh track and an otherwise okay movie.

What’s also a shame is that now I don’t have an occasion to share other low-budget film-related anecdotes, like the time my filmmaker friend Chris LaMartina auditioned Nikolai Volkoff for the role of a janitor but had to pass after Nikolai proved incapable of reading a script correctly.

He would say things like, “Puts down mop” and “Mumble mumble” right out loud.

(By the way, Chris is crowdfunding a sequel to his modern-day cult classic, “WNUF Halloween Special”, so if you drop him a few bucks, tell him Art O’Donnell sent you! He’ll have no idea what that means, as that’s not my real name)

With “Bush League” off the table, I needed something short and unquestionably Wrestlecrap to write up on short notice. A quick look at my Downloads folder reminded me that I’d been sitting on something called the “Raw Sewage Match” for months now. Here was a match that was literally crappy!

And figuratively garbage.

So as I was saying, this induction is going to be a short one – or at least it was going to be until I wrote that whole long intro.

The Raw Sewage match was put on by XPW on June 29th of 2002 and was enough to make Jerry Seinfeld break his vomit-free streak again.

XPW, if you’ll recall, was the ECW wannabe promotion run by pornographers that tried to crash Heat Wave 2000.

XPW hosted its share of former ECW talent after the Philly promotion closed up shop, but watching this match, it’s hard to believe anyone from the Land of Extreme would want anything to do with this impostor promotion.

Patrick Henry certainly would have had a problem with his famous quote being used to promote a match built around chucking one’s opponent into human excrement.

Held at the Pico Rivera – or should I say, Fecal Rivera – Sports Arena, the bout began as an intergender handicap match between the team of porn star Veronica Caine and GQ Money, the wrestling rapist…

No, really. That was his gimmick.

…and their opponent, Angel, whose gimmick was that he was gay.

See? He wore pink PJs. He entered to “Barbie Girl”. He danced effeminately. He did an inward-flipping senton called, “The Bathhouse Bomb”.

After an exchange of chair shots early in the match that saw Angel temporarily incapacitated, Veronica took the opportunity to perform her lewd take on the People’s Elbow…

…running the ropes before dropping trou and jamming her crotch into Angel’s face, which the homosexual wrestler sold violently.

Sensing Angel was in trouble, Lizzy Borden – porn star and co-owner of XPW – came down to ringside to even up the sides.

The Woman of Forty Whacks had apparently been injured in a beatdown by the heel faction but, proving she had more guts than brains, she couldn’t resist inserting herself into a match with kiddie pools full of poop and a rapist.

Things went about as well as you’d expect, as GQ Money quickly pounced on Lizzy, pantsing her and undoing his zipper for – and this isn’t some edgy name for his finishing move or anything – an “attempted rape”.

XPW: So bad, it’s good it went out of business.

Luckily, Angel, bleeding from the head after what one announcer called (and I quote) an “apparent chair shot”, came to just in time to make the save.

Veronica then took down Angel with some lucha moves.

Some apparent lucha moves.

Angel would DDT his female opponent…

…but in a shocking move, XPW Television champion Kaos runs in to take away Veronica. “Shocking” because I can’t believe this promotion actually did have a TV show in the Los Angeles market.

Fellow heel Steve Rizzono then lugged in a bucket of what the announcers henceforth refer to exclusively as “poo-poo”.

Remember, this is XPW, where the X stood for “Xtreme”.

For the rest of the match, it was “poo-poo” this and “poo-poo” that. It was enough to make Tom Green say, “Come on now, this is childish.”

While the interfering heel contingent hoisted one of the poop tubs into the ring…

Careful! La Parka and Psychosis have to wrestle in this ring next!

…Lizzy apparently flung crap at Veronica, which the intrepid camera crew did not pick up (with their cameras).

Lizzy then brushed her own hair back with the same hand.

All the “poo-poo” flying everywhere led one announcer to exclaim, “This is like a Gallagher concert!”

I think he meant GG Allin.

In the meantime, GQ Money headed toward the entrance way and revealed yet another tub of human waste, this one stacked up on tables.

GQ Money started climbing into the empty, empty stands for no apparent reason, clearly determined to ascend to the top of a ladder and… well, I don’t know what his end game could possibly have been, besides taking a very high bump into a vat of feces. Like, Angel wasn’t incapacitated or set up on a table or nothin’.

In fact, he obligingly followed GQ Money up to the very high place for the sole purpose of pulling off some kind of stunt together.

It takes a special performer to show a total disregard for logic and realism just to set up a spot.

And it takes a very stupid wrestler like Angel to, instead of just shoving, throwing, or slamming his opponent 30 feet onto the ground (via a pool of crap), perform a sidewalk slam off the balcony. That way, he could break his tailbone *and* fall into raw sewage, rather than do neither of those things.

Anything to please the hundreds of fans in attendance at the 90% empty stadium.

Angel… has a mouth fulla poop!” said one commentator.

This is nuts! Both these men into the pool of poo-poo!

Just thank the wrestling gods these guys weren’t handling announcing duties for Hell in a Cell. “As God is my witness, he is broken in half,” this ain’t.

The women tried stripping each other, with one of them gaining the upper hand: the blond one with the large breasts and the white t-shirt and the sneakers and the black pants with the stripe running down the legs and who did porn.

Uh… Lizzy. The one without elbow pads.

Veronica retaliated by heaving a bucket full of dung at Lizzy…

…which the referee of course took instead.

Soon, Lizzy – or Veronica? Whichever one still had a shirt on – shoved her opponent backwards into the dreaded pool of poop.

And again, all the commentators of this ultraviolent hardcore promotion had to offer was a bunch of references to “poo-poo”. In the same match that featured rape, this edgy organization wouldn’t even allow the word, “shit” for fearing of crossing a line.

Even RD allows me to say, “shit”. At least I think he allows me to say, “shit”. If in two weeks Justin Henry is writing an induction instead of me, assume the answer is no.

Lizzy then picked up a handful of crap and held it up high like Rafiki holding up Simba in The Lion King

…before flinging it like baboons do in real life.

This is yucky! This is yucky!” said the announcer.

Remember a while back when I wrote about Professional Gay Wrestling and its over-the-top prissy announcer? Montgomery Minks has nothing on these guys.

Steve Rizzono took a towel and tried wiping the fecal matter off Veronica…

…much like JJ Dillon did for Tully Blanchard at Starrcade ’86, except with fecal matter.

Kaos chokeslammed Veronica into the dung pile…

…at which point the referee, who had regained his senses after his poop bath, saw Lizzy in the brown stuff and declared Veronica the winner, as this was apparently a first-in-the-crap-loses deal.

Wa he just going to ignore the fact that both Angel and GQ Money landed in a tub of crap already? Or did that not count because they fell in at the same time? Or was this match contested under elimination rules?

At least the Raw Sewage Match was over and the world could rest assured that scat and pornography would never, ever mix again.

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He also runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws. Follow him on Twitter @Art0Donnell. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
25 Responses to "INDUCTION: The XPW Raw Sewage Match – Xtremely Poopy Wrestling"
  1. Sean Bateman says:

    XPW, The Asylum Entertainment version of ECW

    • TheDogSage says:

      Hey! That’s an insult to Asylum Entertainment! At least they have things so ridiculous they’re amusing, like cyborg Tara Reid fighting a hurricane of sharks and Sherlock Holmes doing battle with a robotic dragon controlled by his paralyzed brother (not Mycroft, a different brother) in power armor!

      This… this is just stupid. And offensive.

  2. Rob Brown says:

    “Careful! La Parka and Psychosis have to wrestle in this ring next!”

    *checks Cagematch*

    OMG, they really were on this card. That makes me feel sad.

    And so was Terry Funk. More sad. 🙁

  3. C Boz says:

    Congrats on a great induction, though I now feel sick and needing of medical attention just for reading it and looking at the snaps.

    And I LOVE the GG (actual real name was Jesus Christ) Allin nod… if nod is the right word.

  4. John C says:

    Just the sight of those three bleeping initials, XPW, nearly makes me want to vomit. Everything about them screamed low rent and just a tacky sleaziness oozed through their existence. I can’t believe I ever watched a couple of their videotapes, for free fortunately, they were just so mediocre and unoriginal in their junk.

  5. John Matrix says:

    Veronica Caine also went by the “ring name” of Barret Moore. Just in case anyone was wondering about that.

  6. Si says:

    GQ Money took over creative at the Performance Center after Dusty Rhodes died. Imagine going from Dusty’s war stories to his.

  7. Gerard says:

    being a wrestling promoter can’t be an easy job you have to try to come up with new and creative ways to get people to watch your weekly tv show or monthly ppv and people wanna see something new and different then just watching two men or two women get into a ring and fight to a pre-determined finish. so whether its divas wrestling in eggnog,gravy or chocolate pudding or guys fighting in barbed wire rings or on top of scaffolds or going completely nuts putting wrestlers on top of a bungee tower or a burning wrestling ring or yes having them fight in a match where the loser is covered in poopoo promotors will have to come up with new crazy waysto try to keep you and me interested. who knows if wrestling is still around in 100-200 years from now we may see male and female wrestlers competeing in fight to the death matches!!

  8. Acolyte Of Glorious La Parka~ says:

    This induction really was sh*t.

  9. Knutcase says:

    Disney nerd here. It’s “Rafiki”, not “Rafa”. That is all.

  10. Caveman says:

    Never turn your back…on Black!

  11. Hulk6785 says:

    Man, this match stinks.

  12. Brian says:

    May XPW was ahead of its time when it came to setting up
    a spot in a nonrealistic way. You see that now with just every
    wrestling promotion including WWE. I’ve seen it with WWE Hell In
    A Cell and NXT Wargames.

  13. CF says:

    Gallagher hit a lot of stuff with the Sledge-O-Matic… but never excrement. This puts *him* above this “promotion”….

  14. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I can see a few more XPW inductions in the near future namely GQ Money…

  15. Random Hero says:

    It’s amazing that Ryan “GQ Money” Katz has had such a long career in the wrestling business. From this literal shit, to his time in Wrestling Society X as Fabian Kaelin, hell even showing up in TNA as Minion, all culminating in his current role as a producer for WWE.

  16. KatieVictoriasSecret says:

    Ahh, XPW. You were like Salo but with wrestling.

  17. Jimbolian says:

    It’s funny, when I was dabbling through XPW’s website back in 2001, I didn’t catch on Lizzy Borden’s name was a nod to the infamous ax murderer Elizabeth Borden (who was acquitted) from the late 19th century rather than the 80’s hair metal band Lizzy Borden.

  18. Frank Gannucci says:

    Just curious. What does it say on Lizzy’s T-shirt? Was that shirt part of her regular ring attire?

  19. Chris Oakley says:

    XPW took all the worst parts of Heroes of Wrestling and injected them with steroids.

    • Guest says:

      Except most of the guys in XPW were never-weres instead of has-beens.

      And as far as I know none of the performers got hard drunk necessitating the change of a main event.

  20. Doc75 says:

    good thing you forgot to mention if anyone wanted to watch it it should still be on YouTube.

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