So I was in the Craphole this week (that being the fantastic new official WrestleCrap message forum, join today won’t you?) and came across a thread entitled “When/how did you first find the site?” It was pretty interesting reading how WrestleCrap first entered folks’ lives, and of course I couldn’t help myself but to note that I had found the site on my computer back in early 2000 when I was first putting it together.
Kids, I tell you – sometimes it’s hard for me to believe just how long I’ve been doing this (and I should note I’ve been blessed to have a lot of very talented guest writers, from Blade to Kelly to Harry to Sean and more), writing these inductions in pretty much the exact same format as when I started over a decade ago. For sure there have been changes to my writing style; the early inductions were very brief, just a shot or two of whatever I was writing about with no real detail. Later, as there were a lot more wrestling sites popping up, the inductions got much longer and more opinionated, with it not being uncommon for me to use them as a springboard to vent about whatever I may have seen on Raw that week I didn’t like. Then I tried to make them as detailed as possible with facts that no one could have ever, EVER cared about (and which I probably got wrong more often than not). These days? Inductions are for pure comedy purposes, which is a far cry from the old days in which I spent a lot of time trying to decide if something was or was not in fact “WrestleCrap.”
Which brings us to Man Mountain Rock.
For years, I questioned if he was, in fact, truly the worst of wrestling. He was actually a pretty darn good brawler in the early 90’s in WCW under the name of Maxx Payne. I remember specifically being at a match he and Cactus Jack had with the Nasty Boys of all people in Chicago and it was awesome.
But then he went to the WWF and, well…
…yeah.
He was no longer wildman brawler Maxx Payne, but instead Man Mountain Rock, he of the wacky WWF logo guitar.
Wait, why was I debating over inducting him all those years?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
So where did things go wrong?
You’re looking at that outfit there and need to ask?
I mean, seriously, it’s like the seamstress went straight to Vince and said, “What would a rock and roller wear?” and Vince, being in his 20 year out of touch self, screamed at the top of his lungs, “TYE DYE, IDIOT! WHAT ELSE?”
You know, I can totally see that happening.
Prior to his matches, we’d get a mini-concert of sorts performed by Man.
And I do hope he doesn’t get offended that I just call him by his first name – Mr. Rock seems a tad too formal.
So he’d play his crappy theme song, a riff so generic that it would have Kip Winger shaking his head.
(Oh, there there – I’m just kidding ya, Kip. You and I are tight, bro. In fact, I just purchased Headed for a Heartbreak on iTunes. Seriously!)
The highlight of this wasn’t the song, but rather the commentary in which Shawn Michaels (yes, as a commentator) warned Vince not to lose his toupee whilse headbanging. You’d think nothing could possiby top that, but I argue that Vince talking about “getting down” and how Man Mountain Rock was “cutting a rug” is a million times better.
Hey, wait a minute – doesn’t “cutting a rug” refer to dancing?
Stranger still: Vince would constantly refer to his amateur background at Iowa State as “Darryl Peterson.” No wonder he changed his name: Man Mountain Darryl Peterson doesn’t have much of a ring to it.
Anyhoo, he had a pair of finishers, the first of which was a front face suplex, demonstrated here.
The name of said maneuver?
The WALLAPALOOZER!
Here, I’ll have Gorilla Monsoon explain it to you.
God bless him, but the only thing lamer than Vince trying to make something sound cool is GORILLA trying to make something sound cool.
His other finisher?
While I admire Vince for doing the sound effect to tell us what, precisely, a wammy bar is, I am sad that Gorilla didn’t make this call as well.
I’m sure he could have got “perceptal octoberal petuberance” in there somewhere, and I’m a huge mark for that.
Let’s see, other WWF career highlights?
Well, at the 1995 Royal Rumble he did what may be the worst rendition of the national anthem I’ve ever heard (looking absolutely overjoyed to be doing so)…
…and later he had his guitar stolen by Bob Backlund.
My theory on that is Backlund, being the patriotic American he is (see that flag in the background?), was also appalled by said anthem and took and destroyed the instrument so that MMR could never disgrace our fair country again.
Good for you, Mr. Backlund!
So yeah, Man Mountain Rock didn’t last long. But during the time he was with the company, he shot some backstage footage with his handheld video camera. Check it out:
Sadly, it’s never been released. Not sure why that is, but I’m guessing the WWE legal team has something to do with it. Too bad. Not only does it look very interesting, but you’ll never believe who his producer was.
Maxx Payne, I’ve only got one thing to say to you, buddy!
