Only in wrestling could a man coming off a “break-up” and a fake gay marriage hook up with a woman still mourning the sex-induced death of her father brought on by her lesbian predator nemesis, only to run afoul of a trailer park-dwelling couple that had recently received a multi-million dollar windfall from a dead uncle’s inheritance.
The story that unfolded from there, though, is one that could easily be found in a genre besides wrestling. Namely, pornography. Yes, the name of this induction might be the “Indecent Proposal Match,” but if this angle were ever made into a movie, it would sooner star Randy West than Robert Redford. Leave it to Smackdown’s writers to seemingly plagiarize the script for the never-produced third installment of “The Young and the Wrestling.”
Our story begins with the formation of Billy Gunn and Torrie Wilson as an on-screen couple. Don’t remember those two together? Well, you should, as not only did they have their own action figure set…
…but Billy would later steal Torrie’s wardrobe in TNA.
Billy had recently reverted to his old gimmick of “Mr. Ass,” last seen in 2000 when a loss to Right to Censor forced him to abandon the nickname (personally, I would have rather seen Billy join the RTC under the moniker, “Mr. Nice.” He even could have kept the part of his theme song where it says, “I’m a nice man!”).
While calling himself “Mr. Ass” seemed like the worst decision possible when trying to distance himself from an “ambiguously gay” gimmick, pairing up with Torrie Wilson at least gave him a superficial resemblance to a straight man.
(As I write this, I am of course fully aware of the fact that Monty Sopp the person is heterosexual. Still, the gimmicks he portrayed make that fact nearly impossible to accept deep down. Sort of like how Marc Mero is really Caucasian, no matter what my instincts tell me)
The two formed a sort of mutual admiration society of asses, shaking their merry way to the ring. I have a hard time seeing how this could endear Gunn to the male audience, though, as now every shot of Torrie’s backside was coupled with a shot of Gunn’s.
Perhaps WWE was trying to re-recreate the magic of the Booty Man and the Booty Babe.
One difference between that other butt-minded couple was that the wholesome WCW of 1996 would never allow the on-screen groping that the WWE of 2003 would feature in backstage segments. Smackdown viewers could expect juicy close-ups of a blonde bombshell’s buttocks being fondled.
Of course I’m referring to Billy Gunn, here.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing for Mr. & Ms. Ass, though, as Jamie Noble soon tried to use his new-found fortune to buy a romp with Torrie. Despite the protests of the white trash millionaire’s own girlfriend, Nidia, Noble offered Wilson a huge sum of money for a Thursday night match in the bedroom that night. Naturally, she refused, as prostitution was against everything the WWE Divas stood for.
…Most of the Divas, anyway. By the way, notice how classy I am for not bringing up those rumors about Ashley Massaro?
Week after week, Jamie Noble offered more and more money for a night with Torrie, and Torrie refused each time. It was like Razor Ramon trying to bribe the 1-2-3 Kid back into the ring each week on Raw, except with more obvious sexual overtones.
“How many times does Torrie Wilson have to say, ‘No, no, no, no no’ to Jamie Noble?” asked Michael Cole. Tazz responded, “Sometimes ‘no’ means, ‘yes’,” no doubt mortifying all the Brown University professors who helped him get that bachelor’s degree in gender & women’s studies.
“I don’t think Torrie has any interest in this guy Noble,” deduced Cole.
Finally, the Smackdown before the Vengeance pay-per-view, Torrie Wilson made this offer: if Jamie Noble could beat Billy Gunn that Sunday, she would sleep with him. Noble quickly agreed. Care to guess what the stipulation was if Jamie Noble were to lose? The choices are:
- A. Noble would have to leave WWE.
- B. Torrie Wilson would get the 100 grand Noble wanted to pay her for sex.
- C. Billy Gunn would get to sleep with Noble’s girlfriend, Nidia.
Trick question! The correct answer is D, “None.” Not “None of the Above,” but “None,” period. As if it weren’t stupid enough to bet her self-respect and sexual autonomy on Billy Gunn, Torrie Wilson volunteered herself into a situation where the best possible outcome was simply, “not being forced to have sex with Jamie Noble,” which she didn’t need a wrestling match to achieve.
The match was dubbed the “Indecent Proposal Match,” after the film, putting Jamie Noble in the role of Robert Redford, Torrie Wilson in the role of Demi Moore, and Billy Gunn in the role of Woody Harrelson. By the way, Redford’s nude body double in that movie? Who else but The Young and the Wrestling‘s Wildman himself, Randy West! (I only know that because of Blade Braxton’s interview, I swear)
That Sunday, Jamie came to the match with a “love case” full of what he euphemistically described as “sex oils” and “sex toys.” That’s actually pretty blunt, but I still say, “euphemistically” because I doubt Noble would have known what that word meant, anyway.
Nidia was “inconspicuous by her absence,” according to Cole, who managed to notice despite her absence being so inconspicuous. However, the jealous Diva appeared later on to try to cost her own boyfriend the match.
Despite all the adversity, Jamie rolled up Gunn for the 1-2-3, leaving Torrie Wilson feeling awful silly for having sold herself into sexual slavery. What a hoot!
Now, if this were straightforward prostitution, and Torrie had accepted money upfront for her services, she could have just broken off the deal and returned the money. But since she had foolishly and over-confidently agreed to the deal as a stipulation to a match that had now taken place, there was no way she could back out, even though she had no desire to sleep with Noble. It’s sort of like when a wrestler makes the offhand comment that he could beat his opponent with one hand tied behind his back, only for the General Manager to take the boast literally and force him into an unfair wrestling match. Now just replace, “an unfair wrestling match” with “rape” and you’ve got the gist of how knee-slappingly hilarious this all was.
Now, I suppose Torrie could have still refused, breaking her contract from Vengeance. That probably would have led to her firing from the company, which, come to think of it, would have then led to a sexual harassment lawsuit so clear-cut and lucrative it would make Sable’s award look like a bag of Sean Waltman’s feces.
That said, although presumably Noble would have been well within his rights to force himself upon Torrie (wrestling contracts taking precedence over any American legal code), he did his best to win her over to his side.
And that’s when things got porntastic. That Thursday night, Noble apparently invited the Smackdown camera crew to capture his hotel-room escapades.
Jamie’s seductive techniques included showing off his collection of sexual accessories to get her excited. Torrie was not feeling it, so to speak, and rushed to the bathroom to puke. Boy, this angle has everything!
Noble would act far more gentlemanly when courting Michelle McCool, the girlfriend of Chuck Palumbo (himself the “ex-boyfriend” of Billy Gunn, the boyfriend of Torrie Wilson).
Just before Noble could get down to business, he heard a knock on the door, which he mistook for room service. And he had no way to pay the bill! Unless…
No, when he swung the door open without bothering to look through the peephole, on the other side was none other than Nidia. She didn’t want her man fooling around with another woman, so she came to distract him…
…with sex!
A tasteful camera pan prevented the audience from seeing the action firsthand, but Torrie still helped herself to an eyeful.
When we next saw our happy couple, or, uh, triple, Jamie and Nidia were in towels while Torrie was trying to drink herself silly. Noble suggested a triple threat match of sorts as Torrie kept hitting the bottle.
Before fans could witness WWE’s #2 least-likely-to-be-rebroadcast three-way (#1 being the Wrestlemania XX main event), there was another knock at the door. Could it be a pizza man? A plumber?
Actually, it was Billy Gunn, as Jamie Noble found out after opening the door sight unseen, yet again. And he was uuuuuuupset!
Now, in wrestling, the predictable ending for this kind of segment would be for Gunn to clean house, beating up Noble and rescuing his girl from harm. That’s certainly the ending I remembered when I decided to revisit this story line. But that didn’t happen.
See, this wasn’t your stereotypical wrestling segment, but a stereotypical porno segment, so instead, Jamie and Nidia started having sex right then and there with two other people looking on.
What possible turn of events could wrap this story up? Well, if you’ve watched a lot of adult films… then you should be ashamed of yourself. Pervert.
But to answer my own question, both couples ended up in bed together. Naked. For sex!
And that, readers, is how two heels and two faces became the breast of friends.
I don’t know who exactly was responsible for these scenes, but my guess would be the same porno director who later worked on See No Evil.
