I like Shane McMahon.
Really, I do. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always found him to be the most likable of all the McMahons outside of Vince. Maybe he’s the lesser of two evils with Steph, who I find to be absolutely nails on the chalkboard and married to a guy who always has me reaching for the channel changer.
If ever you needed proof that RD Reynolds is completely out of any desirable demographic, I provide you with the fact that I just used the term “channel changer.”
Back to Shane. As a performer, he was alright. He was awful as a color commentator (watch an early Sunday Night Heat if you want proof), but in the ring, yeah, I felt he was ok. I know some people who thought he was the second coming of Ric Flair and others who thought he was absolutely terrible. At the end of the day, I always viewed him as the Joie Chitwood of wrestling; a stunt man who wasn’t quite Evel Knievel, but he tried hard and was applauded by many.
Sometimes, though, he, or should I say the company, took things a bit too far….and that’s what we’re here to discuss today.
It was the beginning of 2009, and Randy Orton was WWE’s lead heel. In retrospect, it feels kinda weird to write that sentence. I wrote 2009, but that’s a line where you could pretty much pop in any year after 2003 and it would still be accurate. I could have written, “It was the beginning of 2006, and Randy Orton was WWE’s lead heel.” Or maybe “It was the beginning of 2011, and Randy Orton was WWE’s lead heel.” And would it really shock anyone if I went with “It was the beginning of 2038, and Randy Orton was WWE’s lead heel”?
Anyway, Orton was the lead heel in the company and was feuding with the McMahons (another statement that is seemingly timeless, and not necessarily in a good way). In fact, he was so vile that he punted Grandpa Vinny right in the noggin!
And it was so vicious they covered the screen in a blood red filter.
Evil. Cold. Dastardly!
That’s you Randy Orton!
With that in mind, it only made sense for Stephanie to fire Orton. But Randy saw that coming a mile away and thus countered with…
You see, Randy had a medical condition called IED – Intermittent Explosive Disorder. (For some reason, I wanted to type “Diarrhea” to end that sentence; pretty sure that’s a plot device WWE has used before.) Anyway, here’s Randy to explain his condition in the most monotone, boring, “I can’t believe I am having to recite this dialogue” manner possible.
Randy continues (and I won’t bore you with an audio clip because honestly it ain’t worth firing up Audio Hijack to nab) telling us that he will sue WWE if Steph does attempt to terminate his contract.
Not sure about anyone else, but I sure do love it when lawsuits are involved in wrestling! That’s just good old fashioned fun that Bill Watts would nod his cowboy hat adored skull at!
We cut backstage to a reaction shot and I won’t lie, all I notice is that Stephanie appears to be one being with the couch she is sitting on. Like I really don’t know where the couch ends and her pants begin. In my mind’s eye, I picture Sandra the WWE Seamstress making her knickers out of the backside of the couch.
SPEAKING OF Sandra…
At least I think that’s true. First match on Google for “WWE Seamstress” gave me this Twitter account, which I am guessing is more accurate than this one where she is swearing and copping a feel on Naomi. Regardless, you can follow me here.
I don’t know of any fake RD Reynolds accounts, although I have probably just set myself up for some, likely ones where I am swearing and copping a feel on Naomi.
Anyway, eventually Steph calls out Orton, nostrils flaring and her throaty voice sounding like she’s gone from 2 packs of Marlboro Lights to a case of Kool Menthols a day. Seriously, no idea what happened to her voice, but it is pretty scary. Here, watch this idiotic segment with Hunter and WrestleCrap inductee LUCY THE DOG…
…then watch Raw this Monday night and explain to me what happened.
In fact, free WrestleCrap archive access to whoever posts the best answer below.
Randy counters with his lawyer, who somehow sounds even more monotone than Randy did in that clip above. This was a rib, right? Everyone got together backstage and decided to see just how boring they could be? That’s the only thing that could possibly explain this “performance” being aired on national television.
The endgame of all this is that Orton and his team have decided that unless he main events WrestleMania, which he had the legal right to do as he had won the Royal Rumble, then they would file an injunction and this year there would be NO WrestleMania.
Let’s see, that would have been WrestleMania 25.
Outside of Shawn vs. Taker, would it have really been THAT great of a loss?
Especially since we got Shawn vs. Taker again the following year?
Somehow this threat causes the “entire WWE locker room” to come out on the stage. I always love it when they do this, because you really see who the real stars are on the show as they never appear. If you ever want to see how the WWE higher ups want to separate the wheat from the chaff, just watch that the next time they do it (and you won’t have to wait long I am sure as it’s on their lazy susan of booking crutches).
Like, look at that image above. You see John Cena? Big Show? Edge? Nope nope nope. I guess that these guys on stage were going to make sure that this threat didn’t go through, as they would have missed the biggest pay day of the year.
NEWS FLASH: HALF OF THOSE GUYS WEREN’T ON THE SHOW!!!!
Randy notes that he doesn’t care about any of them and turns back to Stephanie, begging to be terminated. “Firing you would be too easy,” seethed Steph. “We have BIGGER plans for you!”
Here comes the money.
Here comes the money indeed.
The geeks who were never going to be part of WrestleMania part like the red sea for the appearance of the REAL star of the show, Shane McMahon…
…stopping just long enough to take off his jacket and giving us time to notice how much he was really starting to resemble a grown up Peter Brady.
Just when you begin to think this segment cannot possibly get any more absurd, we swing to a shot of Stephanie bee bopping to the music in what may be the worst dancing I’ve ever seen in pro wrestling.
And consider the ground that covers!
So tough guy Shane gets in the ring and rolls up his sleeves…
…as Randy slowly backs away.
Ok, look. I said before I like Shane. He was an ok wrestler. But you have Randy Orton, your top heel in the company, the guy who is about to HEADLINE WRESTLEMANIA…and he starts backing off?
From SHANE MCMAHON?!
And remember when I said things couldn’t get any more ridiculous?
I was wrong.
So very, VERY wrong.
Did I mention I was wrong?
So very, very, very, very, very wrong.
Somehow this leads to Randy collapsing on the floor…
…while Shane shadow boxes poor Kofi Kingston for good measure.
I should note Kofi has never been a heel before 2015. This means he was not a heel in 2009. But ya gots to show the peeps just how tough Shano Mac is!
So what did all this lead to? Well, the next week Orton came out and explained that the reason they looked like such chumps is because he and his guys didn’t fight back. Seriously, that’s what the man said. It also led to a couple of rather boring matches which I am too exhausted to recap. And yes, it lead to the return of Triple H so he could fight for his family’s legacy at WrestleMania 25.
I should note that this rivalry, in which Randy Orton punted Hunter’s father-in-law and brother-in-law led to such bad blood that they began their match with a lock up. They followed that up with possibly the least heated WrestleMania main event ever, one where people were literally heading to the exit mid match.
But that, friends, is an induction for another day.