Suggested by Fellow Crapper Chad Adams!
We come up with induction ideas in all kinds of different ways here at WrestleCrap.com. Sometimes it’s dumb stuff I remember from when I first started watching (1985 or so), sometimes I comb through Gooker award losers, sometimes I just find something stupid on the WWE Network. My favorite way of getting induction fodder, though, has to be suggestions from you, our fellow Crappers. Such was the case with today’s piece, as it was suggested as a potential It Came From YouTube, with a hint that maybe it could be a full-blown induction. Today’s your lucky day, Chad Adams! (And yes, you can suggest whatever you’d like by emailing me…rightchere!)
Over the past few years it has become en vogue to mock one Tammy (err, sorry, TAM) Synch, the woman best known as WWE Hall of Famer Sunny. She is never one to shy away from putting herself in the spotlight, usually for all the wrong reasons. Honestly, even today, I don’t think she is dumb by any stretch of the imagination, she just has a habit of making some poor life choices. So much so she’s given Blade Braxton & I enough material that we’ve spent nearly the last year with an ongoing segment on WrestleCrap Radio entitled “Fun with Tammy”, which even has its own delightful theme music.
And you know what, I’ve always been a Sunny mark. When she first showed up in the WWF, I was smitten with her. She looked great, clearly understood the business, and was just flat out fun to watch. In fact, she inspired me to bring what may have been the best sign I ever created to a wrestling event, one that read “Sunny Fears My Unit”.
Ah, the good old days.
(As Billy Joel once sang, “They weren’t always good.”)
When I saw the suggestion of tackling Sunny’s appearance on some MTV show I had no recollection of whatsoever, I thought it may be fun to tackle. With that said, I must admit I did not remember this show at all. As I pondered how to best research it, I looked to my left and saw my lovely wife sitting next to me. As she is a bit younger than I, I quizzed her knowledge of Singled Out. What follows is the sum and total of said remembrance:
“It was a dating show on MTV. It was pretty stupid.”
Sounds like a ringing endorsement to me!
The show starts with a guy named Chris Hardwick. To quote Homer Simpson, “I have no idea who that is.” And honestly, I have zero desire to look into it as he opens the show by yammering a bit with his eyes closed and generally looking like he’s in pain. Ten seconds in, I already feel the same way. So he introduces us to Jenny McCarthy…and…well, I know who that is. She was a hot woman of the 90s for a spell. But after this show, I seriously have to question just how attractive she really is, or was, I guess I should say, even back in what had to be her prime.
Behold this series of motions that I can only describe as the least sexy sexual gestures imaginable:
I originally wrote “those motions have me seriously considering getting snipped”, but really, they are nothing compared to some of what we will see later in the show. Onward, then!
We are next quickly introduced to Sunny, who we are told, “is one of the most downloaded pictures on America Online.” Note there is no (sic) next to that sentence. That’s what was announced: “Sunny is one of the most downloaded pictures.” I guess back in 1996, the internet was so primitive it could only hold one picture of each person.
Anyway, Tammy notes that Chris looks underpaid, so she gives him a Sunny shirt. This causes Jenny and the crowd to go absolutely, positively, certifiably insane. Like, imagine the greatest moment of your life and how you celebrated.
You are not even CLOSE to this.
Again, this was for a guest on a TV show giving the host a t-shirt. A T-SHIRT! I have no idea what it would take to cause me to act like this, but you can bet your Aunt Fanny it would take more than a lousy Sunny shirt.
So the contest begins, and Sunny starts with the category BRAINS. I was going to write, “And the jokes just write themselves” but honestly, I’ve generally found with Ms. Sytch that her issue isn’t a lack of intelligence, it’s bad life choices and overall judgement in general. So let’s see how she does here. The choices are “Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer”. We then get waylaid with a SUNNY FUN FACT: “She was in med school before joining the World Wrestling Federation.”
Like I said, bad life choices.
Anyway, since she says she wants someone smart, they cart off all the guys who said they were dumb.
Which looked like about 98% of them. At the risk of sounding like TweedleDummer myself, who would go on a dating game show and proclaim themselves to be a moron?
Anyway, this leads to all the guys who apparently said they were intelligent shilling their wares for Sunny. I am willing to wager what I just wrote will be a sentence oxymoronic in nature.
First up we get Richard. He attempts to woo our fair maiden by stating, and I quote, “I like girls.” Jenny’s jaw drops, and when she finally composes herself, replies, “WELL I HOPE SO!!!!”
Going out on a limb and suggesting that probably wouldn’t fly today.
Jesse is up next! His come on line is “Sunny if you get with me…” and then just kinda trails off. As Jenny looks on confused, he just stops and shrugs his shoulders.
Going out on a limb and suggesting that probably wouldn’t fly EVER.
Doug says he’s the BOMB, which must have been the exact moment that phrase quit being cool in any way, shape, or form.
Jason rubs his belly and promises to make things hot and steamy.
If they don’t hit it off, he can at least make her some rice.
Then we get Pat…PAT!!!!!!!
And do you know what? If you ask the mirror on the wall, he is apparently “all that.”
Oh how I love Pat.
I love him even though he looks like your uncle who has spent his entire adult life bouncing from job to job at every local used car dealership. Somewhere there needs to be a sign in the audience that reads “If Pat doesn’t get lucky, we riot.”
Forgoing the awesomeness that is Pat (Where It Is At!), Tammy starts with Jesse. For no discernible reason, this causes Jenny to go even more insane than before.
If she keeps up at this pace, I fear this woman may spontaneously combust.
This leads to our next question, in which Tammy reads off a cue card the most ridiculous dialogue you’ve ever heard. If I get an “MTV Universe” drop, we will all know where Vince decided to poach his writers: from a crappy 20 year old dating show.
This leads to MR. BOB BACKLUND showing up and giving baby cupid (obligatory fat guy in tighty whiteys and feathers) the cross-faced chicken wing. The way he rips that poor sap’s head around I am thinking Bob may have thought this was a shoot. Regardless, Jesse gets Bob to stop after screaming like a baby, “stop Mr. Backlund!” This causes Sunny to decide that Jesse is worth keeping around.
A perfect example right there of Tam’s impeccable judgement on male companions.
Jason gets his shot next, and his challenge is to trim hair out of a giant nose.
I often take to Facebook and Twitter when I watch Raw to exclaim that I feel like I get dumber just spending my time in such a manner on a Monday night, but man, I don’t think I’ve seen anything approaching this idiotic on that show lately.
Note to WWE Creative: THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE.
Also I am saddened that we didn’t get a Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake run-in. I don’t care that he was with WCW at the time. Somehow this needed to have happened.
The losers (including Pat, which which my fingers nearly refused to type) are then given one last chance at sticking around. This chance would include feeding Sunny Chinese food, which she apparently loves. I feel like it was probably my duty to ask Tam on Twitter if that is actually true, but I picture this likely leading to some kind of social media firefight for which I am unwilling to battle.
Richard gently feeds her, but she finds his technique…well, kinda meh.
Jason then gives it his shot, and Sunny downs it in the absolute most lewd manner you’ve ever seen. Remember up above where I wrote that Jenny was doing the “least sexy sexual gestures imaginable”? Not so the case here! I almost feel like I should have watched that from an old school viewing booth. Guarantee you will never see anyone down a bowl of chow mein like that at your local Panda Express!
And then…then we get PAT (Who’s All That).
And Pat’s brilliant plan is to jam as many Chinese noodles into Sunny’s pie hole as he possibly can.
Even Jenny, who has cheered for EVERY SINGLE THING ON THIS SHOW, is utterly and completely appalled.
How could you let us down like this Pat?
Yeah, I don’t know either dude.
Anyway, Richard gets to stay. Which is good, because as you will recall, he likes girls.
Here’s the crazy wacky cuckoo way this works: Sunny has written down answers to questions, and the guys have to guess the right ones. If that sounds like every other game show you’ve ever seen, that would be because it is like every other game show you’ve ever seen. But hey, let’s make it (probably even less) interesting and have your old buddy and your old pal, RD Reynolds play along! In fact, why don’t you, dear reader, play along as well?
QUESTION 1: Easier to do with one hand? Unhook a bra or go to the bathroom?
RD Answer: Unhook a bra!
Sunny Answer: Go to the bathroom!
Wait, was that for me or for her? Is it too late for me to change my answer?
QUESTION 2: Home is where the heart is or just a place to crash?
RD Answer: Where the heart is!
Sunny Answer: Where the heart is!
I don’t know if I am happy or sad I got that right!
QUESTION 3: Butthole Surfers, music leaders or music lessons?
RD Answer: I have never heard any of their music. Therefore, I refuse to answer. This would also be the same reason I don’t vote on issues I have not fully researched. If I’m not going to delve into the pros and cons of issue 438, I shan’t do it for some punk rock band from 25 years ago.
Sunny Answer: Music lessons!
Can’t believe Sunny didn’t go with “I have never heard any of their music. Therefore, I refuse to answer. This would also be the same reason I don’t vote on issues I have not fully researched. If I’m not going to delve into the pros and cons of issue 438, I shan’t do it for some punk rock band from 25 years ago.”
I thought for sure that was a lock.
QUESTION 4: Best way to treat wood – stain it or shellack it?
RD Answer: “Leave it outside to rot. Kinda like my brain is doing watching this train wreck.”
Sunny Answer: Stain it!
QUESTION 5: A tattoo of your lover’s name…shows your affection? Shows you’re pathetic?
RD Answer: Tattoos are only acceptable if they are on your bicep and look like mountain, a tank, or sticks of dynamite.
Sunny Answer: Shows your affection!
Can I ask a question? Would she want it to be “Sunny”, “Tammy”, “Tamara”, or “Tam”? I bet she’d get really ticked if you chose the wrong one!
QUESTION 87: Best describes your attitude: happy happy joy joy or poor poor pitiful me?
RD Answer: Wouldn’t it be fun to ask her that now and see if it matched what she said back in 1996?
Sunny Answer: Happy happy joy joy!
Anyway, all this finally concludes with Sunny meeting her winner:
And I can’t possibly hate this, because he is giving a GIANT THUMBS UP.
In fact, let’s just put that on a never-ending loop.
I know a couple weeks ago during Fun with Tammy, we were talking about how she said she’d never get back with any of her ex-boyfriends.
I’d like to believe she’d make an exception for Jesse.
Or maybe Pat.
He never really got a fair shake.