Not gonna lie to any of y’all: I was never the biggest Flintstones fan in the world. I mean, yeah, I’ve probably seen most of the episodes of the original series, but that’s more due to the fact that I am so dang old that when I came home from grade school, I had quite literally (and I do mean literally in the literal sense of the word for once) four channels on the television to choose from to provide my afternoon entertainment. So while I may not have liked the show, I did watch it.
Of course, there was also the tie-in at my local amusement park, Kings Island, where Hanna Barbara characters ran amok.
“Yabba Dabba Who?”
Or characters that somewhat vaguely looked kinda sorta like Fred Flintstone ran amok. It was the 70s, so you got stuff like that. As bad as that looks, it was a still markedly better than the horrific Skeletor that Blade ran into wherever he rode coasters as a kid. And it’s light years ahead of the terrifying original Disneyland characters that would give Freddy Kreuger nightmares.
Back to my original point, when it was announced that there would be a WWE-Flintstones cross-over cartoon release, I didn’t pay it much attention. I’d heard the WWE-Scooby Doo one was ok, so I figured if that wasn’t an utter disaster, this one probably would be alright too.
Imagine my shock when I started getting request after request to induct it. And by “request after request”, I should clarify that exactly two people on planet earth emailed me and asked nicely for me to do it.
What can I say, I am eager to please.
The show starts with Fred asleep in his bed, thinking of how nice his upcoming vacation to Rockapulco will be for not only himself but his family as well. Just one problem: Fred needs to ask his boss for an advance on his paycheck to cover the expenses for the trip.
Actually, there’s a second problem as well in that this Fred sounds NOTHING like the one I remember, but again, it’s been like 35 years so I could be mistaken. And if it’s taken me 35 years to hear another Fred, you can probably surmise I ain’t spending time going back to research it.
Anyway, as Fred thinks about how easy this is going to be, he suddenly realizes he has overslept and is already late for work! Well, that would be a problem. So he rushes out of the house and hops in the car, hightailing it to the quarry.
Should note he’s not THAT concerned, as he doesn’t pass up stopping at at the local coffee shop (Stonebucks) to get a cup of Joe. In the process, he not only makes himself even later for work, but also cuts in front of CM Punk and Mark Henry, both of whom are none too pleased.
And yes, that is Mark Henry.
This may make for a long write up.
Really, that’s the best they could come up with for WWE’s biggest star: John CenaSTONE.
Did I say this “may” be a long write up? Pretty sure that just confirmed it.
Out on the interstate, Fred is stuck in a traffic jam. He changes lanes in a bit stolen blatantly from the very awesome Office Space, which gives me a glimmer of hope. I mean, if say, Rey Mysterio does a giant splash into a copying machine giving him fits, this might just be the greatest cartoon of all time.
So Fred finally gets to the quarry, and promptly proceeds to ram Mr. Slate’s head into the ground with a dinosaur because, well, he’s a moron and doesn’t know how to do his job properly. Fred that is, not Mr. Slate. This causes a chain reaction wherein another dinosaur falls from the sky…
…which is caught by John Cena.
Excuse me, John CenaSTONE.
Wait a minute…didn’t I see that last weekend on a preview when I was at the movies (at the Skyline Drive In, complete with the awesome SkyCade featuring my personal WWF Royal Rumble pinball machine and the GameTrolla)?
Maybe he is Superman Cena after all.
Anyway, since Fred is an idiot who nearly killed him in addition to being late for work, Mr. Slate is disinclined to acquiesce to Fred’s request.
Broken, Fred realizes he just needs to go home and tell Wilma the truth.
But he can’t when she shows him her new rockin’ bikini!
Staring at bare cartoon midriff just feels nasty to me. And not in a good kinda nasty way.
So yeah, Fred has to come up with a new plan to fund his family vacation.
Fast forward to the Water Buffalo Charity Carnival, where the kids take dinosaur rides while they bash them repeatedly on the head with a club. I’d say how appalled I am at this display of wanton violence, but honestly I’ve seen brats act way worse than this on pony rides in real life while their parents texted away on their cell phones at the local county fair so who am I to judge.
And just as I was about to write, “are any other wrestlers besides John CenaSTONE in this?” we get a kissing booth featuring…
Nikki and Brie Boulders!
I know I mocked the Flintstonification of Cena’s name earlier, but…
…I don’t think it is humanly possible to come up with something better than Nikki BOULDERS.
Unless it was Brie Flatrock.
Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week, enjoy the veal.
Aside from the kissing booth, there is also the good ol’ fashioned boxing match with a kangaroo dinosaur. So CM Punkrock and Marble Henry decide to try to win a prize by going a couple rounds with him. Thankfully for his fledgling UFC career, I am pleased to announce Punkrock takes the beast down over and over.
Despite this being part of the contest, Barney gets really upset and jumps off the top rope, KO’ing Punk Rock in the process. This blatant act of poor sportsmanship is cheered by the crowd, drawing the interest of Mr. McMagma (Vince) who explains to Fred that he could make “alotta clams with a spectacle like that!”
We get the obligatory $ in eyeballs, with Fred deciding that he should in fact run a full fledged fight night, this time for the worthwhile charity of F., W., and P. Flintstone.
But he is baffled at one aspect of his plan: where to find guys willing to fight each other for no money for him?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
Actually, I do – we’ll just enlist the help of John Cenastone’s friends!
Friends like Rey Mysteriopal!
Hey, what do you know? Rey DID show up to splash a bothersome copier, just like I said! Who’d a thunk it?
And who’d a thunk this cartoon would still suck?
Oh! And another guy we get is The Undertaker.
Really, that’s his name on here. Just plain old Undertaker. Just makes me shake my head.
I mean seriously, “Undertroctolite” was right there for the taking!
Sadly, Daniel Bryrock won’t participate. This despite him saying “Yes Yes!” following a John Cena eye wiggle that is completely and utterly adorable.
No wonder the fans love John Cena so much.
Just look at him!
So Fred books a show, and sure enough, it draws a big crowd, thus once and for all proving the theorum no matter if it’s in the present day, 5 million years in the future, or back in the stone age, people will always pay to see two dudes punching each other in the face.
Just one problem:
The guys are just hanging out backstage doing nothing! Cenastone is asleep, Rey is goofing around on his cell phone (err, excuse me, SHELLphone), and Undertaker is playing video games. And here I thought the WWE company line about how guys didn’t go out boozing anymore after shows, they just play video games in the hotel was total BS. There’s our proof positive that it’s true!
Finally, Fred is able to convince the guys that despite being friends, they need to ACT like they are beating each other up. You know, PLAY FIGHT. Yes, Fred Flintstone is now a carnie. Sure enough, Fred gets Rey and John head out to give the crowd a show.
And what a show it is.
A bouncing boobie show!
In retrospect, roided out cartoon Rey Monkey Jr. kinda puts that freaky looking Minnie Mouse above to shame.
Who knew a WWE-Flintstones cartoon would provide so much nightmare fuel?
The action hits its zenith as Cena does a spinning piledriver that has Zangief nodding his head in appreciation (and probably asking why Guile never sold as well as Rey Mysteriopal did). Delighted that they have done a good job, Rey and John shake hands and head out of the arena.
WHICH MAKES THE MARKS ANGRY!
Paranoid at the thought of offering refunds to the increasingly hostile crowd, Fred grabs Barney and throws him in the ring with The Undertaker…
…and you can imagine how that ends.
Still, the crowd is delighted and Fred has made enough money to take his family on vacation. But looking at all those clams, Fred gets greedy and decides to follow up his success with yet another show.
Why he’s like one of those ECW Reunion Show promoters who don’t realize that they’re only going to get a decent crowd the first time!
Hearing his plan to go back for more, Barney explains to Fred that he in no way wants to get back in the ring. Unfortunately, Fred ignores his best friend’s advice and books the show anyway. But this time there’s trouble…
With Barney nowhere to be found, Fred realizes what he has to do.
Rip of his clothes and PLAY FIGHT himself!
To be fair, Fred shouldn’t complain. I remember Daniel Bryan doing that to himself on Saturday Morning Slam years ago, and poor Tyson Kidd was unable to pin him.
Oh how I miss that show.
Anyway, Barney shows up and saves the day by beating the tar out of Punkrock and everyone cheers.
He even gets to drop the term SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!!!!
Of course, the real comedy in that particular sound clip is Vince popping for a first class trip for Fred & all his friends. This from the same guy who classifies his workers as “independent contractors” so he can avoid doing such things.
So yeah, this thing kinda sucked…but at least we got Undertaker wearing a giant sombrero.
Yabba Dabba Do (Not Make a Sequel)!!!