Impact Wrestling, 2016
Spoiler alert: I didn’t vote for WrestleMania 32 in the 2016 Gooker Award poll.
Also, do I need to do a “spoiler alert” disclaimer when it’s something that is already past? I suppose not.
In hindsight, I can’t blame anyone for voting for Mania 32 as the worst thing they’d seen in 2016. Try as I might in penning that induction, I legitimately ran out of jokes mocking just how long that thing was. I remember seeing that counter…man, right after the Steve Austin stuff, right there.
I will remember that to my last breath clear as day.
Yeah, three and a half hours to go.
Confession time: I strongly considered making up a bogus story about how I had fallen gravely ill and thus couldn’t finish the induction when I saw that. More than that, it had me rethinking what I had done with my life that warranted me spending what was going to be way more than 3.5 hours watching, video grabbing, and writing about this horrendous show. At that point, I also began to wonder why on earth I didn’t simply rig the voting to make sure I didn’t have to live through it again. But I didn’t, and so you got the induction that you all so clearly wanted. (And if you missed it, it’s right here.)
But hey, today is my chance to write about what I voted for, namely one of the most laughably bad matches I’ve ever seen in my 30+ years of watching pro wrestling. It’s what I’ve wanted to write about since the day it first happened, and I am thrilled to pen this induction.
And it’s not just because of the counter, which here means 10 minutes and not 10 hours.
Laugh if you want, but at the rate things are going, Mania 40 may reach that mark.
Also, I’ve liked Rebel since…well…
Yes, she has a soft spot in my heart for helping Knux in his attempt to fix his family’s arcade. Because, as I noted on the site a couple weeks ago, I’ve helped open an arcade for charity. Maybe she’d come help our arcade too?
Hopefully while wearing those shorts?
Eh, probably not after this induction.
So let’s meet her opponent for this evening, the one and only Shelly Martinez! You may remember her from the good ol’ (and by ‘good ol” we do mean ‘horrible ol”) WWE version of ECW where she was Ariel, an evil gal who who managed a vampire.
A vampire named KEVIN.
Seriously, I want to talk to the people who came up with that poor guy’s name. I mean, sure, I can buy a vampire with a last name of “Thorn.” That makes sense. But a vampire with the first name of “Kevin”? Not so much.
Anyway, she is now past the chapter of her life when she was hanging out with vampires with stupid names and has matured into…
…a weirdo Day of the Dead vixen!
She explains to us that she is thrilled to be back in the Impact Zone (I legit don’t remember her ever being there in the first place). Also, her grandmother, the only one who ever believed in her dreams of being a wrestler, passed away. What better way to honor her, she pines, than to wrestle while also reconnecting with her Mexican roots. So she slapped on a sombrero and some face paint, and is now going to be Mrs. Dia de los Muertos!
I should also note that WordPress wants to change that to Mrs. Dia de los Metros. As a kind soul on Facebook pointed out, “I will admit, “Dia de los Metros” is much more funny–I’m now picturing Shelly in charge of a local train station.” So I’ve tweaked this induction to include both.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, the interview. She finishes by vowing to kill Rebel. I guess that would also honor her granny.
Fortunately, she does not follow through on this threat until Rebel does her full ring entrance, which includes doing the splits onto the ropes while wearing, oh yes, THOSESHORTS. She is also dressed as either a color guard leader or perhaps a boat captain.
I bet if TNA made a Rebel version of this shirt…
…Dixie would have never needed to sell the company.
This match took place during Rebel’s stint in the Dollhouse, a heel stable in the company that came out to Hole’s Doll Parts, which may have been the greatest theme in TNA history. The faction was originally founded by your friend and mine, Taryn Terrell, aka WWECW’s Tiffany.
Man was Tiff GREAT in this role, an absolutely perfect annoying heel, something she probably should have been from day one in wrestling. Like legit one of my favorite heel ladies in the past 10 years. If you’ve never seen any of the Dollhouse, take it from me, it’s worth hunting down her feud with Gail Kim if for no other reason than this absolutely killer bit where she attempted to steal her husband, Robert Irvine.
She did so wearing this outfit.
I should note this was mere months after she had given birth.
Eventually, Taryn left the business and Rebel became the leader of the Dollhouse, and as such was a heel throughout the remainder of her run with the company. Why I feel the need to impart such knowledge on you is a mystery. Onto the match!
So the pair go for a lock up and…ok, stop. I find Shelly Martinez to be an attractive enough woman, but that outfit is anything but flattering.
Or should I say BUTT flattering?
Wow, that’s terrible. Do people actually still visit this site? And will they continue to do so after reading that line?
Shelly takes control early with an arm drag then a couple goofy submission attempts, before finally laying into her foe with a leg lariat. Rebel sells this by doing the splits then grabbing her own nether regions.
GRABBING HER OWN NETHER REGIONS I say.
Thankfully Rebel is able to regain her bearings, and turns the match in her favor with a Roddy Piper style eye poke!
And by that, I mean an eye poke so terrible Roddy would have jabbed his fingers into his own eye sockets to avoid having to watch it.
Rebel then puts Shelly into this hold. I’m not sure what it is supposed to accomplish. When you put someone in a hold, I’ve always been taught it should look like something that would cause the opponent pain. Here, the only thing I could possible see in any agony would be Rebel’s elbow, which I don’t think is supposed to bend that way.
Somehow that leads to THIS maneuver, and I do know what it is supposed to hurt – Shelly’s vagina.
How do I know this? Because Shelly starts screaming, and I quote, “MY VAG! MY VAG!”
Jeremy Borash: “That’s an abdominal stretch…wait, now it’s a….uhhhhhh…I’ve seen a lot of wrestling. Sometimes you just have to sit back and see who’s victorious.”
If Borash doesn’t win Announcer of the Year in the 2016 Observer awards, I demand a recount.
Next we get some hair pulls and then…
…whatever this is. Like literally, I have zero idea. Not sure who it’s supposed to hurt, not sure what it even was. In fact, the filename is whateverthisis.gif in honor of my bafflement.
Go ahead, right click and save, you’ll see for yourself.
This leads to Rebel somehow winding up outside, attempting to catch her breath from this grueling contest. Shelly, seeing her prey in such a precarious state, builds up a head of steam, charges, and then…
…kinda sorta lands upside down in the ropes with her butt hanging out.
I’ve watched this part of the match at least 50 times, and I have yet to come up with any possible explanation as to what was supposed to happen here. Maybe one of you could explain it to me in the comments section below.
Anyhoo, it’s enough for Rebel to roll back into the ring, grab Shelly by her injured vag, and score the pin.
As I leave you this evening, I do so with a word of advice. Should any young woman reading this ever wish to honor their grandmother in a wrestling match, as Shelly did here, please don’t use this as a template.
Somehow I doubt Nana would want to see you flat on your back for the three count after screaming in pain about your vag.