Every once in a while, I discover something I cannot even fathom we’ve not inducted. Such is the case tonight. From that award winning little book you may have heard of, The Death of WCW:
“The October 14 Thunder was one for the ages. Since it was the last under the Nash era, he basically turned it into one giant inside joke. He sat in on commentary and did nothing but make shoot comments all night, the vast majority of which were not only too inside for 99 percent of the audience, but also not funny at all. His very first statement was that everyone had accused him of being a horrible booker, but he had outsmarted them all by booking himself in the greatest angle ever: his own retirement. If only that were true.”
I mean, come on – I’ve never inducted this? What’s wrong with me?
You’re right – time to rectify that wrong, sister!
Let’s dive into this pile of crap!
So we open the show with the announce crew hyping the event and…holy crap…look at that tiny crowd. Seriously, this was a company that drew over 40,000 fans to the Georgia Dome less than two years prior. Now look what we have – a paltry amount of fans and poor Mike Tenay telling us about being in a swamp. Not a joke, that’s what the man said. Woof.
Tenay isn’t alone of course, as he is joined by Larry Zbyszko (who looks like he’d rather be anywhere else on earth) and the star of the show himself, Kevin Nash. And make no mistake about it – this night, Nash was bound and determined to make himself the star, starting with this soliloquy: “A lot of people said I was a horrible booker, but I’ve actually booked myself into the best angle of all time – I’m retired! But since they are still paying me the big money they thought they’d put me on the broadcast team to attempt to recoup some of those funds.”
Then he smiled.
All we’re missing is a laugh track.
Tenay quizzes Nash about where Scott Hall is, and Nash explains he left with a couple of women to get sushi so he’s MIA. Sadly Tenay doesn’t respond, “What else is new?”
Instead, he exclaims that “all the stars of WCW are here tonight!” which leads to the introduction of one of the biggest stars imaginable…
…Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker!
Have I said “Woof” yet?
Parker is taking on Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who despite my mockery gets a humongous reaction from these group of spectators. Say what you will, but this ever diminishing fanbase still wanted to see this promotion somehow succeed.
Watching this match, I never realized just how tiny Parker was. Seriously, Duggan looks like Andre the Giant taking on Lord Littlebrook in there. Unsurprisingly, Duggan secures the victory with a three point stance and the Old Glory knee drop.
And thus starts a never-ending gag on the show, with Nash asking, “Mike, how much of this stuff do you make up on the fly? That “Old Glory knee drop”…is that like legit, is that documentated (sic) or is that made up on the fly?”
I could be wrong, but the way Nash was slurring his words he may just have been, and I am not accusing him of anything but merely speculating this, possibly inebriated.
Tenay for his part continues the fatal flaw of overhyping and underdelivering, as he tells us we are going to now see even more gigantic stars…and we are presented with Lash Leroux versus Al Greene.
And here I was thinking it Nash who was drunk.
You may think this would give Nash the chance to wax philosophical about his old Master Blasters tag team partner.
Instead, he tells us that he thinks Al Green was a reverend and starts singing to the delight of no one.
Somehow, and I have no earthly idea how or why, this leads to Nash explaining that Dean Malenko was Jerry from The Dick Van Dyke Show. “Amazing the facts we are getting here on Thunder tonight” muses Tenay. Meanwhile, Larry tries to explain how impressive LeRoux’s victory is here by telling us “he sure split that crawdad!”
Ok, pretty sure they are ALL drunk.
And I kinda wish I was.
But thankfully, things take a turn for the better as Lex Luger shows up with Elizabeth. That picture right there kids is all you need to see to end the debate as to whether Liz was hotter in the WWF or in WCW.
NOT EVEN A QUESTION.
Holy smokes.
Luger cuts heel promo 101, talking about how he didn’t understand why he needed to come to a dumpy town like Baton Rouge. I am pretty sure I cut the exact same promo when I went to Hope, Indiana, before my near death at the hands of The Big Show.
C’mon, Lex – you can do better than that.
He is interrupted by Buff Bagwell, who tells us that Luger has turned his back on him. Can you blame him, really? I mean, for once I have to agree with Nash who opines “that much airbrushing should really be against the law.”
The nonsense continues as Rick Steiner shows up for no real reason, leading to the Package and the Dogfaced Gremling putting the boots to Buff Daddy. Not to fret however as coming into make the save is of course…
…La Parka!
Remember earlier when I said I should probably get drunk? I didn’t, but I don’t blame you for thinking I hit the cough syrup.
Again, let me state what just happened: LA PARKA JUST RESCUED BUFF BAGWELL.
This leads to another ongoing death gag throughout the show where Nash explains that “Luger is deathly afraid of skeletons!”
Ha ha, ho ho!
So from that completely random combination we go to another one, as we get, and with the good Lord above as my witness and I am not making this up, the quartet of Torrie Wilson, Curt Hennig, David Flair, and VIRGIL.
VIRGIL IN A COWBOY HAT.
Curly Joe rides again!
And from there we get Brian Knobbs and Hugh Morrus as a tag team???
This is feeling less like an actual television show and more like a game of WCW-nWo World Tour with your tanked buddies in college.
Nash mocks Hugh’s absurd hair, noting that he flies once a week to Japan to let Bull Nakano do his hair. “Nice Japanese women’s wrestling reference!” beams Tenay in the proud papa-est manner you ever did hear.
They get the win of course, and are interrupted post match by Harlem Heat. The Nash hahalarity brigade continues as he exclaims, “Look – it’s Wesley Snipes!”
“Oh wait, nevermind – that’s just Booker T.”
A Goldberg video package follows, but it has no audio so Nash gives narration instead: “Goldberg, a bald man with tattoos! Watch me milk the hard cam here!”
Whatever funny is, this is the polar opposite.
Goldberg’s opponent for the upcoming Halloween Havoc PPV is also featured (pinning VAN HAMMER of all people!), that being one Sid Vicious. Nash boasts about the big man, “He’s six foot ten! 200, no 300, no 597 pounds!”
Tenay: “Certainly shades of Mystery Science Theater.“
Don’t you dare being up that awesome show during this horrible one, Professor!
The cavalcade of jobber battles continue as we get Horace Hogan against Bryan Addams. This is what we’ve reached, kids: Crush taking on Hulk’s nephew. Like you, I can’t believe folks were abandoning this show in droves. Nash notes that Luger won’t be coming out since Horace has skeletons on his tights, and follows that up with calling a shot to the balls “the Old Glory Mule Kick.”
If I am making any of this sound even remotely comical, I apologize.
But hey, for all you Lash LaRoux fans, this is you lucky night! Not only did you get to see him in action earlier, now the guy even gets promo time. Tenay: “The Ragin Cajun very popular in his home town!”
Nash: “I’m thinking he’s gonna get lucky tonight.”
I can tell you who is not getting lucky tonight: me.
Because now I have to watch a PRINCE IAUKEA match, specifically against BERLYN. Or as Larry calls him, “Otto Von Skid Mark.” Tenay and Zbyskzo question why we are seeing such oddball pairings tonight, and Nash helpfully explains that half the guys simply didn’t bother to show up for the show.
Nash: “What are you smiling about Mike? That was a joke!”
Tenay: “Welcome to this all shoot edition of Thunder!”
Nash follows this up by telling us he and Hall are going to take over WCW Saturday Night, making it a variety hour with music, comedy, and “porn stars showing their stuff.” He even spoils the name for their takeover: “The Big Shizow coming soon to TBS!”
Tenay: “Do we have a start date for that?”
To be fair, I don’t know it could be a whole lot worse than this Thunder.
Holy crap, we are getting Meng destroying Luther Biggs with Coach Buzz Stern! Like I am legit seeing acts here that are so obscure even >>I<< question if they ever existed. Nash: “You never see Meng and Barry White at the same time!”
Have I mentioned yet that not only is none of this funny, but most of it makes no sense at all?
SPEAKING OF NOT MAKING SENSE…here’s Rey Mysterio Jr, whom this brilliant company decided they should unmask. Seriously, even WWE was smart enough to have him show up with his mask on when he came to their company so they could, you know, SELL THEM.
He’s paired off with Perry Saturn, and the two have a really good match. Too bad I can’t enjoy it, as we get a nonstop chain of idiotic references:
“The Old Glory Rough Rider!”
“The Old Glory Elbow Drop!”
“The Old Glory Living Legend!”
“The Old Glory Skid Mark!”
Eventually, even Zbyskzo gives up and starts in as well with “The Old Glory Eyes in the Back Of Your Head!”
Is this stupid show over yet?
I can’t take much more.
FINALLY we get to the main event, with Rick Steiner and The Total Package (apparently WCW forbid calling him “Lex Luger” at this point, which led to a show long haha fest of Nash ‘accidentally’ calling him that) taking on Buff Bagwell and a guy who looks almost yet not entirely unlike La Parka. If this were a show that actually made sense, I’d guess it to be like DDP or someone.
It being this show, I am guessing LaParka will unmask as Rick Steiner.
So he takes off the outfit to reveal himself to be…
…I can’t believe it.
This La Parka IS the REAL La Parka!
Sadly, the match quickly becomes so dull that the poor crowd who was jacked for everything gives up and starts chanting boring. This despite an Old Glory Steinerline and…
…an Old Glory Chokehold.
All of this leads to exactly what you should expect from WCW: Buff turning on La Parka for literally no reason then just walking out.
And then no one even bothers to pin the guy!
Nash gets his final quip in with “What the hell is this?”
This is where I plug the book, right?
