Halloween is always one of my favorite times of the year. It’s no Christmas, don’t get me wrong, but it’s still something I look forward to even though the days of eating pounds of chocolate obtained via trick or treating are long since past. These days, I search out new ways to enjoy the holiday. For instance, I’ve never been a huge horror movie fan, but I recently went to my favorite haunt, The Skyline Drive In (home of the legendary SkyCade, run by yours truly!), and checked out the legendary Hitchcock classic Psycho. You want to talk scary? Imagine you are in a car all by yourself, in the middle of a dark, cold field, and you have this staring you in the face:
That’s Halloween, kids.
Of course, running this site for so many years, I’ve learned that professional wrestling seems to love Halloween just as much as I do. We’ve had wrestling mummies, chambers of horrors, bogus Stings, and of course my personal favorite…
No, scratch that.
So yeah, I always look forward to Halloween not only in general terms, but here on the site as well. And I am thrilled to announce that we’re doing not one, not two, but three special Halloween inductions this year! And what better way to kick off the festivities than to roll all the way back to 1999 on a very special Monday Nitro.
“Special” being the operative word here. You had to be kinda special to actually sit through this complete mess of a show, in which approximately 4,273 bits took place in the span of a mere 180 minutes. Why if I didn’t know better, I’d think our old pal Vince Russo was booking this thing.
(Reaches over to book shelf, checks copy of Death of WCW: 10th Anniversary Edition.)
Whaddya know? HE WAS!
So the Outsiders are sitting in the back discussing what would wind up being arguably the single worst tournament in pro wrestling history, the infamous WCW World Title Tournament of 1999. Not sure we’ve ever inducted that whole thing, but if not, we really need to do so. (And by “we”, I specifically mean Art needs to do so, as I don’t have that many brain cells left that I can afford to lose.) You can tell the boys mean business, as Hall is busy looking through his fanny pack while Nash is reading a newspaper. Nothing sells the importance of your most important title being up for grabs like two guys looking like they’d rather be any place else on planet earth.
Lo and behold, Nash will be unable to go to the ring with Hall because he doesn’t have a proper managers license, and the “Powers that Be” (Russo as Dr. Claw in a heel commissioner role) are sticklers for such paperwork being in place. As Hall begins to look…concerned, I think?…Nash explains that maybe in lieu of being a manager, he could could be Hall’s “promoter”. “You know, like the guy up north, with the padded shoulders,” Kev slurs. “I’ll give you a downside, everything.”
Usually this is where I’d say “allegedly” or “supposedly” or “allegedly…supposedly” to avoid potential legal issues in proclaiming someone was completely sloshed on air, but considering they are literally sitting next to a bar tap and Hall has a shirt reading “Booze-Tang”, I think I can go without the disclaimers.
Maybe I’m wrong. Here, listen, you be the judge.
And to be completely fair, it’s patently obvious these two guys could possibly care less.
Heck, Hall can’t even keep a straight face, just completely losing it as Kev was attempting to describe the dire straights Scott was in here.
I’ve said a lot of bad things about Hall and Nash not taking things seriously over the years and kinda taking advantage of the wrestling business, but if the goofs running WCW at the time weren’t even going to ask for a second take on this, I don’t know I can actually blame them for such attitudes.
Backstage we…I was going to say “go”, but I guess “continue” would be more accurate, with SOMEONE getting plastic surgery done. Gee, I wonder who it could possibly be? Well, whoever it is, he explains to his make up artist, “You know Andre, the big Irish nose is a given, but the real key to this is the cleft chin. We’re not talking Kirk Douglas, I’m talking Grand Canyon cleft chin. You know what I mean, pally?”
And once more we get a shot of the back of this mysterious man’s head, as he notes, “I’m not going to burn this bridge, I’m going to blow it up! HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA.”
Now however read that, it had to have been better than how it was peformed live on air.
So finally, eventually the Wolfpack music hits and…
…the single worst impersonator in history makes his way to the ring.
I had originally written “the single worst Vince McMahon impersonator”, but seriously, look at that image.
If I didn’t tell you who that was supposed to be, would you have ANY idea at all?
Like if a kid in my neighborhood came to the house trick or treating and looking like that, I’d probably hunt down his mom and say, “C’mon lady, it’s Halloween…you have to do better than that.”
SERIOUSLY – WHY IS HALF HIS FACE MISSING?!
And hey, speaking of horrible performances, give this a listen.
I mean, if you have like the three hours to do absolutely nothing, give it a listen.
And if you pay close attention (and have not fallen asleep), and you can clearly hear the deafening silence of the crowd, obviously baffled by what they were seeing. Get used to it, kids – it’s going to get a whole lost worse in the months to come!
On the plus side, “The Promoter” does announce his client, “Trouser Snake” Scott Hall!
So yes, TROUSER SNAKE SCOTT HALL comes out, and in the process somehow Nash’s wig falls off. He puts it back on, only to have his pony tail fall out. I’d make a Davy Crockett joke here, but Tony Schiavone already did so on commentary.
Good show, Tony. Maybe you can write a guest induction some day!
Backstage we go (yet again!), as Hall and…”Vince”…meet with Sid. As “The Promoter” talks to Sid, he explains that the big guy just needs to trust him. This leads Sid to go into a rage, screaming, and I am simply quoting here, “The last time I trusted you two years ago my whole career went into the sh!tter!”
Then, for reasons of which I have zero idea, they all laugh.
Ok, wait, I do have a reason – the way Sid yelled “sh!tter” was pretty funny.
That aside, I’d try to figure this out, but no joke, less than 90 minutes earlier on this exact same show there was a segment backstage where Kidman was filming Lex Luger and Elizabeth outside their locker room.
And it was a scene right out of an early 80’s teenage sex comedy, with (unmasked) Rey Mysterio (who looked to be 12) literally climbing on Eddie Guerrero’s back to take in the antics.
And during that segment, Luger too just breaks character and starts laughing.
Which leads to Liz laughing. Oh, and drinking a Diet Coke for some reason.
(I originally thought it was a beer, which would have been the ultimate trump to that doofus Blade Braxton who somehow maintains that WWF Liz > WCW Liz, which we all know is not the case.)
That particular part of the show ended when a production guy sitting on the floor clapped his hands and said, “That’s good! We’re out!”
So asking me to try to deduce what is happening on this show is truly a fool’s errand.
And hey, wait a minute. If Sid really thought that the last two years his career was in the sh!tter, wasn’t he in WCW the entire time? Thus he was calling WCW the sh!tter?
Is this where I’m supposed to type “because WCW”?
That hasn’t prevented others from trying to solve the mysteries, though. In particular, I love this recap where it is theorized that “Nash takes off the toupee and Sid realizes that it is not Vince and calms down.”
So apparently, according to this, Sid was confused that he was not actually talking to Vince McMahon.
You know, as he was staring face to face with this:
Eh, honestly, that’s better than any explanation I have.
“The Promoter” then shows up backstage with the Nitro Girls, who are starting to fight each other. I remember specifically writing about this in The Death of WCW, but somehow I can’t tell you a thing about it. That’s either early Alzheimers kicking in or God just trying to block my brain from further bad memories.
Also, Art, get to work on that.
What, you may ask, did all this lead to?
Some fascinating ending?
It ended with “The Promoter” out cold on the floor.
Who knocked him out?
Dude, this was Russo WCW…do you really think we ever found out?
More specifically, do you think >>>I<<< am going to try to figure it out?
Fuhgedabboutit. Instead, I’ll just theorize he passed out from being tanked.
Sorry, from being tanked…PALLY.
There, my Vince McMahon impersonation is just as good as Big Kev’s!