Impact Wrestling, 2014
This here website loves Mickie James.
I dare say that no single person in the business has been mentioned more by us; we’ve been doing WrestleCrap Radio for over ten years, and in nearly every episode she has been referenced. While Blade Braxton obviously obsesses over the poor girl, I just find her to seemingly be a “normal” person. I’d even dare say the word “approachable”. Like, if you compare her to the various swimsuit models Big Johnnie brought in during the same time period, you’d feel like you could walk up and talk to her and have a nice conversation about horses or the merits of Dr. Pepper vs. Mr. Pibb.
And yes, I know calling her “normal” whilst knowing this video exists is likely a bit of a stretch.
Also, I find it fascinating that she apparently went to school with a guy who has a haircut so ridiculous I can only surmise he is a lost Von Erich brother.
So yeah, Mickie is cool with us.
Following a WWE run that featured what may have been my favorite women’s wrestling feud ever with Trish Stratus (who could forget this WrestleMania moment?), she somehow wound up down south with TNA Impact. And honestly, amazingly, it turned out to be pretty good, with her winning the Knockouts title three times. As with most things TNA related, it didn’t end well, though, culminating in an angle in which a dastardly heel threw her into the path of an oncoming train.
If you’re gonna go out, go out in style, I suppose.
Ironically, it started with what was looking to be the end before this fiasco ever took place, as her husband, Magnus, showed up introducing his fiance to the Impact Zone crowd. Or is that Impact Universe? Impact Idiotverse? You know who I wish was still around to solve this puzzle? Rick Rude. I always loved the guy, but sadly growing up I was nothing but a Cincinnati Sweathog to him. I’d like to think if he ever showed up in the Impact Zone, he’d note they were Orlando Orifices.
What, you got a better joke? Leave it below in the comments, and the best one posted in the next seven days will get $5 PayPal from your old buddy and your old pal.
Anyway, Mickie shows up as the announce crew says holytoledolookathose.
Actually, they didn’t, I did.
Seriously, what happened there? I remember Mickie back in the day, and while she didn’t always look like this…
…she sure didn’t look like this…
…for most of her career.
I would ponder this further, examine it more closley, but I am on a flight as I am doing this and the folks around me are already giving me strange looks. That happens a lot when I write this inductions from 30,000 feet. I think the woman next to me thinks I am watching…how shall I put this…”videos of questionable nature”…or something. As I am constantly distracted by every Taryn Tarell / Doll House segment I run across, I am not sure I blame her for that suspicion.
So the announcers note that the rumors are flying that Mickie may be announcing her retirement. If she knew where this was going to go, I gotta believe this interview would contain the following four words: “Yep, I’m retiring. Bye!” And then she would run out of Orlando and back to her Virginia pony farm or wherever she lives now as fast as humanly possible.
Sadly, however, that’s not the case, as Mickie talks about how great her run has been and how honored she was to work with so many great women throughout her career. She notes how holding a title belt in the air was the greatest feeling ever until she held her son Donovan.
Hopefully also in the air like a title belt.
Just as she is about to announce that she is going home to be a mom, James Storm hits the ring to note that Mickie is just like a female version of him, would rather drink wine out of a box than a “fancy” cup and would prefer cowboy boots to high heels. So apparently at some point, James Storm pondered wearing pumps.
Anyway, he tries to convince Mickie that she should stay…at least for one more match. Despite just seconds earlier noting that she needed to pay attention to her kid and be a good mom, Mickie caves immediately. Here’s to hoping that Nick is the one teaching the kids about the dangers of peer pressure.
Suspicous of Storm’s true intentions, Magnus hires some cronies to follow Mickie around and make sure that nothing wonky is going on. Sure enough, the next thing we see is Mickie running into Storm at the food mart (sadly lacking this music), where James asks if he can hold their baby. I personally like the fact that Magnus’ stooge is hiding eight foot away behind a tree. I’d like to also think he was disguised as a bush.
Magnus hits the ring, and is soon followed by Storm, who notes that he and Mickie have been friends for a “loooooooooooooooooooooooong time”, and that Nick is kinda overstepping his bounds by running around filming her behind her back. Also, he asks, why wouldn’t Mickie tell Nick about their innocent meet up? INTRIGUE!!!
The following week, Storm shows up with a present for Mickie…
…a brand new GE-TAR!
I bet somewhere Jeff Jarrett is mighty jealous!
The two then take a selfie together as Magnus makes his way to ringside, and he’s mighty ticked. But hey, Storm says, don’t worry, I got you a gift too and proceeds to give him his original Magnus helmet, referencing a gimmick so incredibly obscure even >>I<< barely remember it.
And consider the ground THAT covers.
So Mickie and Nick leave the ring, but Storm notes he still has yet one more gift, this one for Donovan. The crack camera crew doesn’t really show us exactly what that gift is, but they did catch this…
…and at the end of the day, that’s probably the more important of the two.
Wait, did I just pay a compliment to the Impact production crew? First time for everything!
After recovering from the guitar shot, Storm once more meets Mickie in the ring, and notes that during his two week absence, he’s been talking to big names in the country music business, names I cannot bother to transcribe here because honestly the last guy in that line I ever paid any attention to was one Jerry Reed. So if Briggs & Straton or whatever their name is want me to notice, cover “She Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft” and we can talk. Anyway, they want to work with Mickie and take her career higher than it’s ever been. And again, she immediately agrees. Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m Magnus I’m getting divorce papers drawn up at the nearest law firm.
Wait, that would be Park, Park, and Park. Nevermind.
The following week, Mickie and James meet up on a set that now has ME questioning if I am watching…what was it again…”videos of questionable nature”.
Seriously, look at that.
If I get off this plane and am told I can never fly United Airlines again, I don’t know that I could even plead my case.
Anyway, James finally fesses up – he wants Mickie to join his Revolution. And if the baby can join too, that would be totally awesome. Shockingly, Mickie says no to this noble request and says she’s outta here. Storm apologizes and tells her that he will walk her out, noting “there are lot of crazies around here.”
…a train station security camera!
Why if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that looks EXACTLY like the Hogwarts Express at Universal Studios, which just so happens to be where Impact was being taped!
“It looks like your train is pulling up!” notes Storm.
“Train, what train?” asks Mickie as track 12 from a “Train Sound Effects” CD picked up from the local Half-Price Books is badly dubbed into the background. And with that James accidentally on purpose…
…knocks Mickie off the platform, presumably to her death, in some of the phoniest footage this side of Birdemic.
Remember earlier when I complimented the Impact production crew?
After seeing THIS, I take every last syllable of it back.
Back from commercial, the announcers are completely appalled by Storm’s actions and are calling paramedics for help.
OH JUST KIDDING!
No, what actually happens is they tell us Madison Rayne has something to say and ignore the entire thing entirely.
Just when I think this show can’t possibly get any dumber, TNA does what they always do – prove me wrong.
The end game?
Mickie pinned Serena of all people in her final match.
One can only hope that with WWE going on their current hiring spree, they bring Mickie back in so she can have a real final match. And induct her in their Hall of Fame.
C’mon Vince – give us all an excuse to talk about her for the another ten years!