INDUCTION: Throw Mickie From The Train – You Didn’t Tie Her to the Tracks? FAIL

50 Submitted by on Thu, 23 June 2016, 20:00

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Impact Wrestling, 2014

This here website loves Mickie James.

I dare say that no single person in the business has been mentioned more by us; we’ve been doing WrestleCrap Radio for over ten years, and in nearly every episode she has been referenced.  While Blade Braxton obviously obsesses over the poor girl, I just find her to seemingly be a “normal” person.  I’d even dare say the word “approachable”.  Like, if you compare her to the various swimsuit models Big Johnnie brought in during the same time period, you’d feel like you could walk up and talk to her and have a nice conversation about horses or the merits of Dr. Pepper vs. Mr. Pibb.

And yes, I know calling her “normal” whilst knowing this video exists is likely a bit of a stretch.

Also, I find it fascinating that she apparently went to school with a guy who has a haircut so ridiculous I can only surmise he is a lost Von Erich brother.

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So yeah, Mickie is cool with us.

Following a WWE run that featured what may have been my favorite women’s wrestling feud ever with Trish Stratus (who could forget this WrestleMania moment?), she somehow wound up down south with TNA Impact.  And honestly, amazingly, it turned out to be pretty good, with her winning the Knockouts title three times.  As with most things TNA related, it didn’t end well, though, culminating in an angle in which a dastardly heel threw her into the path of an oncoming train.

If you’re gonna go out, go out in style, I suppose.

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Ironically, it started with what was looking to be the end before this fiasco ever took place, as her husband, Magnus, showed up introducing his fiance to the Impact Zone crowd.  Or is that Impact Universe? Impact Idiotverse?  You know who I wish was still around to solve this puzzle?  Rick Rude.  I always loved the guy, but sadly growing up I was nothing but a Cincinnati Sweathog to him.  I’d like to think if he ever showed up in the Impact Zone, he’d note they were Orlando Orifices.

What, you got a better joke?  Leave it below in the comments, and the best one posted in the next seven days will get $5 PayPal from your old buddy and your old pal.

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Anyway, Mickie shows up as the announce crew says holytoledolookathose.

Actually, they didn’t, I did.

Seriously, what happened there?  I remember Mickie back in the day, and while she didn’t always look like this…

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…she sure didn’t look like this…

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…for most of her career.

I would ponder this further, examine it more closley, but I am on a flight as I am doing this and the folks around me are already giving me strange looks.  That happens a lot when I write this inductions from 30,000 feet.  I think the woman next to me thinks I am watching…how shall I put this…”videos of questionable nature”…or something.  As I am constantly distracted by every Taryn Tarell / Doll House segment I run across, I am not sure I blame her for that suspicion.

So the announcers note that the rumors are flying that Mickie may be announcing her retirement.  If she knew where this was going to go, I gotta believe this interview would contain the following four words: “Yep, I’m retiring.  Bye!”  And then she would run out of Orlando and back to her Virginia pony farm or wherever she lives now as fast as humanly possible.

Sadly, however, that’s not the case, as Mickie talks about how great her run has been and how honored she was to work with so many great women throughout her career.  She notes how holding a title belt in the air was the greatest feeling ever until she held her son Donovan.

Hopefully also in the air like a title belt.

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Just as she is about to announce that she is going home to be a mom, James Storm hits the ring to note that Mickie is just like a female version of him, would rather drink wine out of a box than a “fancy” cup and would prefer cowboy boots to high heels. So apparently at some point, James Storm pondered wearing pumps.

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Anyway, he tries to convince Mickie that she should stay…at least for one more match.  Despite just seconds earlier noting that she needed to pay attention to her kid and be a good mom, Mickie caves immediately.  Here’s to hoping that Nick is the one teaching the kids about the dangers of peer pressure.

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Suspicous of Storm’s true intentions, Magnus hires some cronies to follow Mickie around and make sure that nothing wonky is going on.  Sure enough, the next thing we see is Mickie running into Storm at the food mart (sadly lacking this music), where James asks if he can hold their baby.  I personally like the fact that Magnus’ stooge is hiding eight foot away behind a tree.  I’d like to also think he was disguised as a bush.

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Magnus hits the ring, and is soon followed by Storm, who notes that he and Mickie have been friends for a “loooooooooooooooooooooooong time”, and that Nick is kinda overstepping his bounds by running around filming her behind her back.  Also, he asks, why wouldn’t Mickie tell Nick about their innocent meet up?  INTRIGUE!!!

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The following week, Storm shows up with a present for Mickie…

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…a brand new GE-TAR!

I bet somewhere Jeff Jarrett is mighty jealous!

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The two then take a selfie together as Magnus makes his way to ringside, and he’s mighty ticked.  But hey, Storm says, don’t worry, I got you a gift too and proceeds to give him his original Magnus helmet, referencing a gimmick so incredibly obscure even >>I<< barely remember it.

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And consider the ground THAT covers.

So Mickie and Nick leave the ring, but Storm notes he still has yet one more gift, this one for Donovan.  The crack camera crew doesn’t really show us exactly what that gift is, but they did catch this…

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…and at the end of the day, that’s probably the more important of the two.

Wait, did I just pay a compliment to the Impact production crew?  First time for everything!

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After recovering from the guitar shot, Storm once more meets Mickie in the ring, and notes that during his two week absence, he’s been talking to big names in the country music business, names I cannot bother to transcribe here because honestly the last guy in that line I ever paid any attention to was one Jerry Reed.  So if Briggs & Straton or whatever their name is want me to notice, cover “She Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft” and we can talk.  Anyway, they want to work with Mickie and take her career higher than it’s ever been.  And again, she immediately agrees.  Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m Magnus I’m getting divorce papers drawn up at the nearest law firm.

Wait, that would be Park, Park, and Park.  Nevermind.

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The following week, Mickie and James meet up on a set that now has ME questioning if I am watching…what was it again…”videos of questionable nature”.

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Seriously, look at that.

If I get off this plane and am told I can never fly United Airlines again, I don’t know that I could even plead my case.

Anyway, James finally fesses up – he wants Mickie to join his Revolution.  And if the baby can join too, that would be totally awesome.  Shockingly, Mickie says no to this noble request and says she’s outta here.  Storm apologizes and tells her that he will walk her out, noting “there are lot of crazies around here.”

Cut to…

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…a train station security camera!

Why if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that looks EXACTLY like the Hogwarts Express at Universal Studios, which just so happens to be where Impact was being taped!

“It looks like your train is pulling up!” notes Storm.

“Train, what train?” asks Mickie as track 12 from a “Train Sound Effects” CD picked up from the local Half-Price Books is badly dubbed into the background.  And with that James accidentally on purpose…

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…knocks Mickie off the platform, presumably to her death, in some of the phoniest footage this side of Birdemic.

Remember earlier when I complimented the Impact production crew?

After seeing THIS, I take every last syllable of it back.

Back from commercial, the announcers are completely appalled by Storm’s actions and are calling paramedics for help.

OH JUST KIDDING!

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No, what actually happens is they tell us Madison Rayne has something to say and ignore the entire thing entirely.

Just when I think this show can’t possibly get any dumber, TNA does what they always do – prove me wrong.

The end game?

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Mickie pinned Serena of all people in her final match.

Blech.

One can only hope that with WWE going on their current hiring spree, they bring Mickie back in so she can have a real final match.  And induct her in their Hall of Fame.

C’mon Vince – give us all an excuse to talk about her for the another ten years!

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50 Responses to "INDUCTION: Throw Mickie From The Train – You Didn’t Tie Her to the Tracks? FAIL"
  1. John C says:

    Maybe if Storm would have said to Mickie, “I choo choo choose you to be in The Revolution” before the hipcheck of doom it would be a moment that goes down in history. Or now if they did this, he could distract her by tossing a fake baby at her and then deliver said bump and it would be a You Tube sensation.

  2. Chris says:

    Since the residents of the Impact Zone are huge wimps who probably also wouldn’t mind getting it on with their family members I think Rick Rude would have to call them a bunch of ugly, fat, out of shape Orlando Oedipussies.

  3. Iron Mark Tyson says:

    Blade Braxton approves of this induction.

  4. john cameron traderat says:

    How about calling them “Orlando Jordan’s”?

  5. Mister Forth says:

    Billy out-Russo’ed Russo.

  6. adam says:

    “(sadly lacking this music)” I think a link got left out here.

  7. #OPC says:

    How about, instead of Florida Gators, call them Florida HATERS! HAHAHAHAHA!

  8. Scrooge McSuck says:

    Orlando Octogenarians?

  9. Doc75 says:

    Mickie and James……..oh the irony that had to be to type that

  10. Rob Brown says:

    “Dr. Pepper vs. Mr. Pibb.”

    By bringing that up, you reminded me of this 8-Bit Theater strip:

    http://www.nuklearpower.com/2001/09/12/episode-077-and-now-thief-is-back/

  11. Matt McGovern says:

    Yeah, not the best moment. But this happened in 2015, not 2014. I was probably the only person who actually enjoyed Magnus’s “Modern Day Gladiator” gimmick, but I’m glad it’s over.

    I met Mickie and Magnus earlier this year at WrestleCon, and they were both super friendly and approachable. Most of the time we talked about Donovan and parenting, but it was still cool!

  12. Vintage says:

    Why, they’re the TNA-holes, of course!

  13. BeaverCleavage says:

    Wasn’t this 2015? I campaigned hard for this to win the Gooker. I get that it was just one segment, and Gooker should normally go to whatever left a worse mark, but it was such an offensively terrible segment that I’m willing to give it the win. I did love TNA saying “Oh, she actually just suffered emotional injuries, not real ones.”

  14. Ian says:

    Speaking of which, has the Law Firm of Park, Park, and Park and its head attorney Joseph Park ever been inducted? That was a joke and a half.

  15. Thomas says:

    Watch that GIF again and tell me that Mickie doesn’t stop and look down for her mark. Also, if Mickie was a new mother then, that would explain her looking particularly endowed.

  16. Vastardikai says:

    Fat, Out of Shape, Orlando Orangutans.

    • RD Reynolds says:

      Lots of great suggestions, but this is the one I could literally hear Rude saying back in the 80’s.

      A WINNER IS YOU!

  17. Gonzo says:

    The Orlando Ovarians….

    Yeah, probably bad taste

  18. Geoff says:

    THat’d be nothing. Rick Rude should come to Santa Cruz, the Santa Cruz Crazies would take one look at him and run him out of town. Overworked sweat hogs my ass, these people barely work around here and if they work hard it’s at surfing. Meanwhile instead of pushing Mickie off the train (tracks) Storm and Mickie jump up and bump bellies. One beer bump to one baby bump. Him being the heavier of the two, he “accidentily” pushes her into the oncoming train. Cue Santa Cruz crazies and we be having a pride parade down the middle of Pacific Ave.

  19. Geoff says:

    The homeless here have a new slogan. “Give me money or I’ll vote for trump” They get rich fast.

  20. Sean Bateman says:

    Magnus is one lucky SOB for marrying Blade’s pineapple. But, this storyline is crap

  21. Si says:

    “Mickie pinned Serena of all people in her final match.”

    You missed the best part of this – not only was that Serena’s first match in TNA, it was also her last, and she’d already worked her retirement match (in Japan) between taping and broadcast.

  22. Vealchop says:

    I’d love to see a photoshop of Mickie holding a baby over her head like a title belt.

  23. Brad says:

    I think someone was watching House of Cards when they wrote that train bit. Hey if the Giant can fall off Cobo Hall, Mickie can be flattened by a train…except there was no physical train..

  24. Shockwave says:

    Mickie is so great. It’s a crime she’s always stuck with these stupid angles.

    • Brad says:

      The one that made me the most angry was “Piggy James” I actually like her because she’s NOT a stick like most of the others, and has curves not to mention it was meanspirited and didn’t really do anything but make the WWE look like shallow bullies

      • Hulk6785 says:

        It also didn’t make much sense since one of the women making fun of her weight, Layla, was a curvy woman. Not as curvy as Mickie, but she wasn’t really a stick either.

  25. Jimbolian says:

    Welcome back to the Impact Zone filled to the brim with the IMPACTED RECTUMS!!!

  26. EWA Beach Boy says:

    ” What I need is for all the fat, out of shape, big piles of Orlando offal around here to shut up so their ladies can enjoy it while I take my robe off.”

  27. EWA Beach Boy says:

    “It looks like your train is pulling up!” notes Storm.

    ….knocks Mickie off the platform, presumably to her death, in some of the phoniest footage this side of Birdemic.

    I’ve seen snails that move faster than that train. Death from a 2.5 foot fall to the ground??? Please don’t tell me the 3rd rail was electrified cause this didn’t happen in a subway station.

  28. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Mickie James’ achievements in wrestling mean nothing – she should be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame for having the nicest backside EVER in wrestling history.

  29. Bubba says:

    Well, after Mickie went down south on Trish, it only made sense for Mickie to go down south on TNA….the Orland Obituaries? The Orlando Obesities?

  30. Jerm says:

    Fat, outta shape, Orlando Obesities…

  31. Matt says:

    Obese Orlando offal oafs.

  32. Andre R. says:

    Mickie. Hmph. She’s nothing special. She has big fake breasts and a weird face and early in her life she did porn cuz “she was young and needed the money”. No moral judgment implied, I’m just reporting the facts. She does virtually nothing for me, truth be told. And the fact that she was “killed” in TNA? That doesn’t do anything for me either. And now she and Magnus are married and in GFW. Big whoop. I so toally dont care about either of them. There you have it!

  33. Big G says:

    Boo on the Jenny Jones censorship. Must have been an occipital vaginal protuberance.

  34. dewelar says:

    Living in Orlando myself, I would have loved to have Rick Rude channel one Charles Barkley and call us the Orlando Odoriferous Emanations. It would surely be accurate!

  35. Falcone says:

    I guess Rick Rude would channel Tyler Breeze and call them the Universal Uggo’s.

  36. scott muller says:

    Well it’s not catchy but considering the scope, if there’s the wwe universe, this would be the impact suburb.

  37. scott muller says:

    …or Impact County. Take your pickski!

  38. Doc 902714 says:

    I feel kind of ripped off because this was a nominee for the 2015 Gooker nominee that did not win but still gets inducted into Wrestlecrap anyway. Kind of like how I felt when Undertaker defeated Shane McMahon at WM 32 with full control of RAW on the line presumably only for Shane O’Mac to show up on RAW the following night and take over control of RAW in the following weeks. If that’s the way you do things on this site, then at the very least induct my choice for Gooker Award Winner – Sting In 2015 – Every Bit Of It.

    It’s still real to me DAMMMITT

    Orlando Oranges… nah that’s probably not gonna win.

  39. C Boz says:

    Rick would have given those fat, lazy, out of shape folks in the ImpactZone the maximum insult – he would simply have called them “TNA fans”.

  40. Caveman says:

    Mickie James wrestled Serena Williams?

  41. Gerard says:

    It’s hard to laugh at tna when you see how hard they are trying to keep going. WWE can afford to do stupid storylines simply because they are the WWE they are on top of the mountain and nobody can knock them off!! Tna tries doing idiotic stories like this or Claire Lynch and it hurts them badly because tna is so weak there is a very real danger that by this time next year the only place you will see tna is on the WWE Network right beside awa wcw and ecw and other companies that tried to compete against WWE and ended up having their video library being bought by Vince. There was a rumor going around that I forget which it was either when they left spike or maybe destination America Vince called Dixie and asked if he could buy her library now??? Dixie no you can’t we are still in business and vince said OK keep my offer in mind if you change your mind!!!!

  42. AK says:

    Late 80s, early 90s Rick Rude would have cut some good promos on the people of Orlando.

    If this was mid 90s Rick Rude, he probably would have just called them Orlandopes.

  43. Geoff says:

    Would you consider that when you go to Orlando and you can’t understand the language there, would it be called Orlandese? The Occipiatal Orlandites are speaking Orlandese again. Call the SPCA….

    Ha, I’m here till Thurs!

  44. Christopher Olsen says:

    Orlando ordures?

  45. William Campbell says:

    Jerry Reed… in 2014? But the poor man was dead since 2008! Heck, that could have been the start of a “James Storm – medium” gimmick!

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