Going to date myself here, but in 1984, I was a freshman in high school. I don’t have tons of fond memories of my youth; I was a total outcast, kind of a nerd, and didn’t have a ton of friends. Now to be fair, the ones I did have were awesome – my best friend then is my best friend now in fact, a lifelong besty who I’ve done everything with, be that seeing Andre the Giant beat Hulk Hogan for the “world world wrestling belt” to being best men at each other’s weddings. So the times, they weren’t all that bad.
But they were lonely.
I remember about this time I would just sit home and watch MTV. That channel was like a friend itself, an entity I could turn to that would make me laugh and give me a jolt of energy after those days at school when I truly needed it. While “Weird Al” Yankovic was always my preferred artist, others were great too. I mean, I loved Pat Benatar so much that my first book (which you can buy rightchere!) has a title named after my favorite song of hers, Sex as a Weapon.
I was a rocker of sorts as a kid, and I really dug Van Halen. They not only put out great music, they would do killer videos, 4 minute slices of joy containing a maddening mix of sex, comedy, and wild guitar riffs.
Arguably my favorite of these was Hot for Teacher. The video traced the steps of a nerd named Waldo who was headed off for his first day of the school year. Little did he know that said day would include kids throwing books all over the place, acting like total animals. Well, except for the four coolest kids in the class…
…namely, children who looked just like Eddie and Alex Van Halen, Michael Anthony, and (former WrestleCrap Radio TNA Correspondent) David Lee Roth! Why you may be asking would VH-Kids want to hang out in school, you ask?
Because the teachers were smoking hot and stripped to bikinis and danced around to loud rock music. Could there be a better reason?
Apparently someone within the WWF saw this and thought, “You know what would be a great idea? Let’s rip that off completely! But instead of David Lee Roth, let’s book a middle aged bald man to do the vocals and have the Hulkster play guitar. Oh, and here’s $5 for props.”
Who’s ready to rock?
We are introduced to our teacher first, Ms. Brooks. She’s dressed in an incredibly conservative outfit, complete with glasses even larger than poor Waldo had up above. See, she’s wound up VERY tight. You could even say she’s just a freaking nerd.
Remember that because…oh you know what’s going to happen. And if you don’t, well, you didn’t live through every 80’s teen comedy wherein the ugly girl suddenly became a sm0ke show after taking her glasses off and taking her hair out of a bun.
Ms. Brooks introduces us to our “music appreciation expert”, Professor Dexter Peabody, or as you know him…
…”Mean Gene” Okerlund. He explains how his last presentation joined the music of Mozart with the number of wrinkles in the Native American buffalo lips. No doubt you may be thinking I just put random words together to see if you were still paying attention. This audio clip should assure you otherwise.
The class’ reaction?
Same as mine.
And likely yours.
At this point, we cut to the principal, Mr. Winthrop, who over the school PA system checks in with Ms. Brooks that the music appreciation segment of her class is going on as scheduled. Why on earth he would interrupt an actual school day to ensure this is happening is beyond me. Like, did that happen to anyone reading this? Ever?
Regardless, Ms. Brooks confirms that it is about to begin. A student cuts the lights and…
…Ms. Brooks is suddenly aghast, shrieking, “MR. PEABODY!!!!!”
Because you see, Gene has now morphed into…
…whatever the heck this is supposed to be.
Like I legitimately have zero clue. Is he supposed to be a punk rocker?
If so, why is he singing a cover of a rock song from 1970?
Oh, and yeah, here you go, enjoy. I don’t know that WWE has the rights to this; I sure couldn’t find the full video on the Network anywhere (and trust me, I watched every Prime Time around this era trying to get it), so I am thinking they don’t.
For the record, it’s not the worst song I’ve ever heard. But then I kinda grade on a curve, as I was obsessed with horrible covers back in the day. There was a series of CD releases many years back from Rhino called Golden Throats in which celebrities butchered famous songs and I owned every last one of those. While most know of William Shatner’s audio antics, you really haven’t lived til your ears have partaken of his pal Leonard Nimoy crooning “I Walk the Line”. Or Mae West channeling her inner Jim Morrison with “Light My Fire.”
I love the last one because it sounds like she is singing about a “Flaming Pie.” Sounds delicious.
So yeah, this is bad, but not atrocious.
Professor Peabody gets the projector fired up and shows us footage of he and his pals jamming out, cranking a heavy metal version of Derringer’s “Rock & Roll Hoochie Koo”. Eh, maybe “heavy” is a bit too much. It’s more like an amped up karaoke version.
Did karaoke even exist back in 1987?
Seeing this causes Ms. Brooks to flip her lid, throwing her arms up in the air in utter frustration.
Wait a minute…what is she holding in her right hand? Is that a riding crop?
Do I even want to know?
Naturally, this hip music causes the kids to lose their ever-loving minds. Whereas before they were rolling their eyes, suddenly they start throwing books against walls and dancing with glee as the weirdo music teacher is now prancing about in hot pink spandex.
He gave the kids drugs, right?
Only explanation I can come up with.
As Gene and Rick do a duet, we get Hulk Hogan strumming away on the bass guitar. You know, I bet if he would have only submitted this footage to Metallica or the Rolling Stones, he would have totally landed that gig.
You know, the one he sometimes claims he actually had?
In the meantime, Gene sings and then giggles like he’s the dirtiest little stinker in all the land.
I’m standing by my logic that this is a big drug party. I bet they were just blasting the stuff in through the air ducts, like the Joker at the Fluggelheim Museum.
Eventually, even that lame wad Ms. Brooks starts to get funky, no doubt driven into rhythmical madness by the air guitar stylings of Gene Okerlund in a blue wig.
I mean, that or…
Next we get Gene in the studio with Rick, with our hero doing the pee pee dance. Also, the film has been set to at least triple time. I didn’t speed that up in the animated GIF below.
This is exactly what the man looks like.
If I wasn’t fully aware that Gene Okerlund is still alive and well as I pen this, I would for sure have thought the poor guy was having a seizure.
The fast forward gyrations of Professor Peabody cause Ms. Brooks to finally toss her inhibitions (and dignity) into the crapper, flinging her glasses away and quite literally letting her hair down. Gene’s nodding approval is equal parts lecherous and disgusting.
If ever we needed a clip of the guy yelling, “Holy balls!”, it would be here.
At this point, that stuffy old Principal Winthrop catches the music coming through his speaker, and is completely aghast. Why can’t he just let these kids have their fun?
Their obvious drug-fueled fun?
At this point, all bets are off, and everyone is going totally insane. Like Arkham wouldn’t be this nutty. This include Ms. Brooks, who starts ripping her clothes off and throwing them to her students.
Her high school students, I should remind you.
Who does she think she is, Ms. Monday Nitro?
The festivities come to an end as Principal Winthrop comes in and catches Ms. Brooks flailing about on her desk. The kids sit down in horror as the poor girl looks completely embarrassed. Don’t feel bad kid, I am right there with you. And I’m just watching this.
The final shot sees Principal Winthrop asking Professor Peabody for an explanation.
And all he gives is a seedy smile.
Just one word for that: ICK.
And thus wraps up another in-depth WrestleCrap analysis of the infamous Piledriver music series. If you missed the first one I did, you can find it here.
As for the future? Let me know below what you’d like to see next.
Maybe I will be able to muster up the courage to do another one in a month or so if y’all aren’t sick of them.
PS – Please say you are.