Induction: Maximum Conviction – Fortunately Also Minimum Seagal

21 Submitted by on Mon, 15 September 2014, 20:00

maximumconvictionposter

Movie – 2012

“Stone Cold” Steve Austin: Former 6-time WWF World Champion. 3-time Royal Rumble winner. King of the Ring. Pro Wrestling Illustrated’s #1 wrestler twice. WWE Hall of Famer. “Sheriff” of Raw. Podcast host. Arguably one of the most popular wrestlers of all time.  Star of movies such as The Condemned, Hunt To Kill, and some other movies you’ve probably never seen. All-around badass.

Steven Seagal: Martial artist. Akido instructor. “Actor”. “Producer”. “Screen writer”. “Musician”. Star of “Steven Seagal: Lawman. Reincarnated Buddhist. Energy Drink sponsor. BFF with Vladimir Putin. Star of movies such as Under Siege, Above The Law, and over 25 direct-to-DVD movies. All-around ass.

Following the end of his in-ring career, Austin has ventured out into the acting world with mixed results. With the sheer frequency of movies that Seagal is able to shart out in any given year, it was only a matter of time before the two came together.

With all the craziness that is Steven Seagal and his track record of, um, less than stellar movies that have come out in, the last 20 years, you really have to wonder how he keeps making movies.

seagal1

Yeah, that makes sense.

Maximum Conviction is a 2012 action movie starring Stone Cold Steve Austin and Steven Seagal. One looks like he’s carved out of granite and the other looks like he’s a partially-chewed gummy bear. I’ll let you guess which one is which. As an FYI, for some reason, Seagal speaks with a sort-of Cajun accent in this movie. Shrug.
stoneandgummy
seagalandaustin Seagal and Austin play two “black ops” operatives by the names of Cross and Manning, respectively. Apparently they went to the WWE school of “No one has first names”.
The “Men With No First Names” are tasked with shutting down a secret prison and transporting prisoners to another facility. Sounds easy enough, but Manning doesn’t seem too pleased. austin
seagal I wouldn’t be too happy if I had to clean up after this guy, either. It looks like he sweats milk chocolate.
Nothing gets chocolate out. See? wiggum
 samanthamendez Despite the prison being shut down, two female prisoners, Charlotte and Samantha, are brought in until they can be transferred elsewhere. One of the prisoners is Samantha Mendez (Steph Song). Right. If her last name is Mendez, then I’m Kamala Muta Hassan.
At least Paul Diamond put a mask on when he was part of The Orient Express. No way you could tell he was a donut-eating, curling-loving, moose-riding Canucklehead.
orientexpress
cagedheat By the way, have any of you seen “Caged Heat”? Just asking. For a friend. For research. Where’s Blade when you need him?
When another prisoner becomes unruly, Cross does his best “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan impression and beats him with a 2×4. Too bad he didn’t use the trash can that Duggan found the WCW TV title in.
 hacksawseagal
 seagalbellclap By the way, which one of the martial arts includes using a bell-clap?
After his prisoner beating, Cross leaves the prison to run an errand. Possibly to make a snack run. seagal2
austin1 Manning on the other hand, has to deal with the prison’s garbage. He’s joined by  possibly the shadiest character this side of Snidely Whiplash.
I mean look at that facial hair. Clearly he’s evil. And possibly part-rat. lookslegit
badguy While Manning deals with Puke “The Dumpster” Droese and Cross is (presumably) face-deep in a personal pan pizza, a group of mercenaries led by Chris Blake (Michael Pare) pose as Marshals and take over the prison.
Things go from bad to worse when one of the prison guard turns out to be a traitor and kills two of his fellow soldiers. That dastard! dastard
stonecoldfireball Manning fights his way through the mercenaries with a mixture of ingenuity and bad special effects.
And boiling water to the groin area. Too bad we don’t have Jim Ross screaming “Hot crotch! Hot crotch! Hot crotch!” stonecoldpotofwater
austin317 Austin 3:17 says “I just stabbed you in the face”. Oh how I wish WWE made shirts that say that!
You see this picture that looks like someone melted a bag of Skittles all over the screen? Yeah, that happens a bunch of times. I guess they were going for realistic surveillance footage. Realistic must be Seagalese for “blurry and vomit inducing”.
blurry
seagalthehut Speaking of Seagal the Hut, Cross returns to the prison (full of Snowballs and Ring Dings) and he came with help.
He brought the members of
D-Generation X! Break it down!
dx
mc As Manning fights from one side of the prison and Cross from the other, Blake makes his way to his true target: Samantha.
Blake is after Samantha because, and try to stay with me here, she is a CIA courier and has secret information implanted with her body. That secret information means a lot of money for Blake and his men. Classic CIA, amirite? Sounds like the CIA is taking a page from the WWE. classiccia
implant Wait, I’m thinking of the wrong type of implants.
Both Manning and Cross start to close in, fighting off both escaped prisoners and the mercenaries with their adorable guns. It’s so teeny! Pew pew!
\adorablegun
lady In another twist, Charlotte is also working with Blake. Dun dun dunnnnnn! She is actually able to beat up not only the same prisoner that Cross fought, but Manning (aka former World Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin!) as well.
As Charlotte tries to bring Samantha to Blake, Cross engages in an up-close gunfight with Blake that can only be described by this picture from Naked Gun 2 1/2. nakedgunfight
b&w Oh, and remember those rainbow-colored blurry shots from before? How about some black and white shots while we’re at it?
At the same time, Manning, along with the other men that Cross brought in, fights off the rest of the mercenaries. If you play Whitesnake’s “Is This Love” during this scene, it actually quite romantic. isthislove
wittydialogue2 This one-liner though is pretty far from romantic. I guess it’s better than chanting “What?!” at a corpse.
Samantha, meanwhile, is able to fight off Charlotte and kill her. Seriously. Caged Heat. Anyone?
cagedheat2
confidence Cross dukes it out with Blake in a little hand-to-hand combat. Her look of confidence says it all.
Probably doesn’t help that he looks like someone dressed a kielbasa in G.I. Joe clothing.
seagal3
nowkissme Through his unique combination of fighting skills, weapons expertise, and girth, Cross is able to defeat Blake by, and I’m not kidding, throwing him into those lasers that trigger bombs to explode. Perfect.
With the bad guys defeated, Cross and Samantha ride off into the sunset while promising Manning that they’ll do it again someday. Manning looks thrilled at the proposition.
thrilled

And that’s the end to the tale of Maximum Conviction.

Words were said. Things happened. Guns were shot. Explosions, uh, exploded. Lots and lots of people died. Steve Austin was pretty much the same old Stone Cold we know and love just with a few more swear words. Seagal was Seagal in all his bewildering glory.

The movie was more tolerable than expected, but that is probably because there is minimum Steven Seagal in it. In fact, that should have been the movies selling point. They could have called the movie “Minimum Seagal”. Probably would’ve helped move a few more copies out of the $2 bin at the local convenience store.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown. If you like horror movies, check out www.365daysofhorrormovies.blogspot.com
21 Responses to "Induction: Maximum Conviction – Fortunately Also Minimum Seagal"
  1. Handsome B. Wonderful says:

    I guess that’s why ole Stevie wears black in everything he is in, the chocolate stains won’t show up as much. I know it’s not wrestling related, but I think a Steven Seagal movie review section should be added to the site.

  2. AK says:

    Seagal the Hut..

    I absolutely lost it after reading that. The greatest three words ever written in a Wrestlecrap induction and quite possibly throughout the whole site.

    I am also pretty certain I made a similar declaration on another induction sometime back but if Tony Schiavone could get away with saying ever WCW event was the greatest night in the history of our sport, then I’m giving my selected memory a pass.

  3. Ze Frenchie says:

    By the sounds of it, this actually reminds me of the kind of crappy first shooter video games you can find for less than 5$ at any Wal-Mart bin. Funny induction, though!

  4. MartialHorror says:

    This probably was Steven Seagal’s best direct-to-DVD movie…probably because he didn’t have to carry it.

  5. BaltoJim says:

    Nipple-H’s ring music started playing in my head when I read “(Steph Song)”. The music works quite well if you play it during the Samantha-Charlotte fight scene…

  6. Down With OPC says:

    Wait, so none of the prisoners ever got transferred?

  7. Wally says:

    I remember renting this from Redbox when I was in the mood for a bad direct to dvd action flik. What I found most amusing was the fact that Seagal was still playing his Super Seagal role – in the fight with the main bad guy at the end said villain never even hits Seagal once.

  8. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Wait, wait… where’s Man Mountain Rock gone???

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      That sounds like the beginning of a folk song.

      Where has Man Mountain Rock gone?
      Long time passing
      Where has Man Mountain Rock gone?
      Long time ago

      Yeah I don’t either, dude.

      • Thomas Moffatt says:

        Sounds like a Headlie to me – the nutcases loyal to Wrestlecrap begin to panic at the whereabouts of MMR, fear he might have done something stupid, etc.

    • BaltoJim says:

      He’s been working mixed tag team matches with his lesbian sister, Piper “Scissors” Rock.

  9. harry beaver says:

    More like Paul the Party Pooper Parker. Don’t be that guy. We are all here to have a good laugh. If you want a movie reviewed your not in the right place.

    On that note great induction. I may have to watch this one, i love Seagal movies!

  10. gobias says:

    Break it down!

  11. Dan Sheldon says:

    This is the third Stone Cold induction in a short amount of time, are you writing a “Death of Stone Cold” book or something?

    • RD Reynolds says:

      I sure hope not!

      • Dan Sheldon says:

        Gosh, now that I read what I wrote, I realize it didn’t come out how I meant it. I certainly hope not too! Just noticed three Stone Cold inductions and thought about all the WCW inductions related to the “Death of WCW” book. A book that I highly recommend and I only have the older version right now.

  12. Doc75 says:

    i remember seeing this at Walmart a year ago. i asked my wife if she maybe wanted to buy it n watch it. she kinda gave me this did you just fart look. sort of ironic huh?

  13. Mister Forth says:

    I laughed at neither man having first names. And the names of the 2 women lead me to think someone watched too much HBO.

  14. Drew says:

    “someone dressed a kielbasa in G.I. Joe clothing” needs to have its own induction.

  15. Alexandru says:

    I’m pretty sure Austin agreed to do this movie because he had absolutely nothing better to do with his time. I’ll give him credit for seemingly being able to put up with Seagal with more than 5 minutes

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