Fitness Video, 1992 Text by RD Reynolds
Thanks to Fellow Crapper Danny Hanlon for donating this tape!
Does that stupid calendar say January again?
I hate January!
Look, yeah, it’s my birth month and all that jazz, but really, it’s one of my least favorite months of the entire year. For starters, I love Christmas, and having to take down all the tree and tinsel and realize that I have another entire year before I see it up again is depressing. It gets worse when I realize that I basically have five months before I get a paid day off from my legit work. And then when I realize American football is nearly at season’s end?
Yeah, that stinks too.
But more than any of that, I hate January because I realize just how much garbage I devoured since Thanksgiving and the weight that I now need to lose…which means it’s time to hit the gym and come up with a new workout plan.
In the past on this here site, I’ve covered all kinds of fitness videos, ranging from atrocities like the Warrior workout where he knocked over weight benches to that horrible one Chyna did where her workout consisted solely of punching men in the gonads.
I don’t think I’ll go back and use either of those.
No, instead I think I’ll give this one that I’ve finally got my mitts on after TWENTY YEARS (!!!) of waiting! It’s Fighting Fit with none other than “Rowdy” Roddy Piper.
The tape starts off with some horrible stock music, and then Roddy flashes on the screen in full Hot Rod mode, screaming and pointing and spitting and telling us how smart we are for knowing how to operate a VCR.
If that is the barometer that we’re to be gauged by, I am thinking I should be able to make Roddy quite proud of my exercising aptitude!
GET SET TO SWEAT!!!
But before we do that, let’s watch some video of Roddy taking on Hulk Hogan which appears to be from the War to Settle the Score.
I note this because I am pretty sure I’ve never seen that match in its entirety, as it was right before I started watching wrestling regularly. Looks awesome in clip form, so I am definitely going to have to check it out.
For now, though, let’s exercise!
Or not, I guess.
Instead, we get Roddy talking about his background, how he was living on the streets starting at about age 13 and how he once had to fight a guy for a piece of cardboard.
“It’s not as romantic as it sounds!” he tells us.
For the record, “homeless” and “romantic” were never two words I had ever strung together.
But he found happiness in the gym, winning the Golden Gloves at the tender age of 15. “I was fast,” he tells us, “I could turn out the lights and be in bed before the room was dark!”Sadly, he broke his hand and could no longer fight. Thankfully, according to Roddy “God takes care of fools and babies” and he became a pro wrestler.
He lost his first match to a giant 320 pound former world champion in 10 seconds. Somehow this impressed the promoter, and he wound up winning the light heavyweight championship of the world four years later.“I’m literally on top of the world!” he exclaims.
Actually, you’re on a bridge.
And you’re not even on top of that.
Whatever, let’s get fighting fit!
Nope, not yet!
Instead we get video of kids gambling.
And sitting on walls looking sad.
Cue the bagpipes…
…and the kids come running!
It’s Roddy “Pied” Piper!
They run right past him, change into some new clothes, and jump into the ring.
Ok, are we FINALLY ready to get fighting fit?
I guess we are, as Roddy goes over what we’re going to do on this video. He’s going to teach us how to warm up, exercise (“like a wrestler!”), get muscles, and defend yourself against big gnarly strangers with hair on their teeth!
“Then I’m going to make a man out of you…or a woman!”
He then smiles at the camera in a very creepy manner.
Now the one thing I will say positive about this video is that Roddy does a good job explaining what muscles each stretch or move is affecting. And the exercises are pretty good; I could totally see kids of the early 90s doing this stuff and it helping them out.
In fact, I will go so far as to say this is the best exercise video starring a wrestler I’ve seen. I was almost wondering if this video was actually induction worthy.
I mean, yeah, the moves are called goofy names like Captain Pegleg, but I don’t know I can pad an induction making jokes about that.
Even an appearance of Prof. Headlock (with his gown thrown open with wreckless abandon) seems like it’s going to make this a stretch.
But fret not fellow Crappers…Roddy is about to save our day.
He’s going to teach us SELF DEFENSE!
(Or ‘defence’ if you’d prefer…pretty sure this was a UK only video.)
Now don’t get me wrong, that’s good advice and all, but seriously, look at the poor little girl. It looks like he literally scared the crap out of her. I bet she had to change her pants after that.
And she looks at Piper like she’s seriously thinking of using her newly acquired wisdom, pointing at Roddy, then yelling “That’s not my dad!!!!!!” at the camera man, the mic operator, anyone within range to save her from this lunatic.
And then there’s this kid, who looks like he’s doing everything he can to stop himself from bursting into laughter.
The polite bully soon becomes the sad, confused bully as Roddy teaches you how to break the arm of someone who shakes your hand too hard. Five bucks to the first of you who tries that in your next board meeting.
Roddy then shows how to keep a bully at bay by straight arming him.
“See, he can’t get to you!” Piper excalims proudly.
True…if you are like twice the guy’s size. Which was never the case when I was a kid and getting black-eyed constantly.
I also don’t know what I would have been able to pull off a side-step and trip dealy like this kid did, a kid Piper calls “Mudflap”. Despite Roddy claiming this means ‘tougher than nails’(umm, what??), this may be the single worst nickname I’ve ever heard.
Next, though, Piper says he needs someone tougher than any of these kids, someone “tough as nails and uglier than the backside of Rin Tin Tin.”
The mind swirls at who this might be.
I mean, Piper has a TON of wrestling friends, so who is going to be doing the run in?
Call me a mark, but I was expecting more than a bootleg Undertaker bop ’em bag, which is what we get in the form of The Grave Digger. Apparently we’re going go to get more self defense techniques we can use on our local bully.I must admit, I am intrigued as to where this is going.
I also must admit, if it were anyone on planet earth other than Roddy Piper, I wouldn’t be.
Still, I doubt seriously that anyone, ever, in the history of man, ever thwarted a bully with a MONKEY FLIP.
And I somehow doubt too many bullies would stand there while you ran at them and hit them with a spinning double sledge.
And the video ends with Roddy beating up various kids using wrestling holds. I did NOT see that coming.
I’ve alluded a couple times here that I got beat up a lot by bullies when I was a kid. I somehow doubt that this video would have helped me out much.
In fact, I think I may be dead.
Regadless, the next time I see Roddy, I am for sure going to yell “THAT’S NOT MY DAD!”
Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often).
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