INDUCTION: Bobby Lashley’s Sisters – One Family Reunion You’ll Never Want To See Again!

33 Submitted by on Thu, 21 February 2019, 20:00

WWE, 2018

Every once in a while, I have a hard time coming up with what horrible thing in wrestling to write about next. Seriously, I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years…eventually the well is going to go dry, right?

Oh who am I kidding? You’re right, Vince. You’ll always supply me with plenty of crap of the wrestle variety, and for that I love you.

One thing I tend to forget about when I am running on fumes to find the next induction is something right under my nose: the Gooker award voting. Sure, we always get out the fireworks and ballyhoo for the winner, but what about the other nine or so atrocities that weren’t quiteatrocious enough to be forever honored with our grandest award?

Such was the case last year. No question Crown Jewel should have won – it had the largest margin of victory in the history of the site. And it made for a really fun induction, which you can check out here. But other stuff was pretty daggum horrible as well.

For instance, try as you may, who could possibly forget Bobby Lashley’s sisters?

Like many inductions we’ve had over the years, this started with what seemed to be noble intentions: namely, putting over Bobby, who had just returned to the company after a several year absence, as a good natured family man. In a casual sit-down interview with Renee Young, Lashley explained to Renee his parents and sisters meant everything to him.

“And you’re sisters…are you close with them?”

Just like that, the pandora’s box that begat us a Gooker nominee was opened.

For you see, Lashley told us of his younger days with his family. And it was…well, to put it politely…just about the creepiest thing I ever did hear. Bob regaled us with stories of his sisters liked to take him out to the woods, tie him up, and leave him for dead. Apparently, they thought that was absolutely hysterical. Also, one would chase him with a broom and beat him with it.

No, really, that’s what the man said. Proof is here.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think “Lashley” was just his stage name and his family crest had “Manson” etched upon it.

And we’re just getting started!

Next Bobby told us of another sister who carried around a security blanket. He explained that it started getting pretty stinky, and the kids at school made fun of her about it. Lashley responded to this by grabbing the blanket and shoving it down a child’s esophagus.

Finally, Bob told us of his third sister, the youngest of the trio. Apparently she liked to carry around their father’s army helmet. But before you think, “Awwww, that’s nice”, let Roberto finish.

Knowing how much she loved that headgear, Bobby decided to hide the it from her one day. He thought that would be funny. A harmless prank. That’s what I would think as well, but apparently the sister didn’t feel the same. Instead, she became completely enraged.

“You see this scar right here, Renee? This scar will always remind me not to mess with Francis!”

He then smiled broadly at the camera.

“Nearly losing my vision makes me smile.”

Upon hearing of Bobby’s horror-filled youth, Renee’s reaction is pretty much the same as mine.

Whatever, weirdo.

I’ve never been the world’s biggest Renee fan, but I am now.

I’m sure we all have comical stories of our youth, our family. I mean, my familial tales don’t have me nearly losing an eyeball or being bound to a tree for hours on end, but maybe yours do.

If so, please never share them.

Because if you do, a nogoodnik like Sami Zayn may come to exploit your tragedy and turn them into a horrendous wrestling angle on Raw. And no one deserves that. Especially not what happened here, wherein Sami claimed that what Lashley stated in his chat with Renee was not entirely on the level. In fact, it was a bald-faced lie! To prove his point, he carted out the sisters to find out the real story behind their childhood.

This being WWE, that meant of course three dudes in drag.

Hey Kevin Dunn! Get the laugh track ready!

First up is Cathy, whom we know is Cathy thanks to a helpful “Hello, My Name Is Cathy” sticker. “She” notes the reason she had to carry a broom is because Bobby was very mean to the girls when they were children. So she grabbed the closest thing to her to protect herself – her mother’s broom.

“Wow, that had to be hard,” Sami noted mournfully. “Thank you for sharing.”

Next we hear from Francis, she of the helmet. And of the mustache for some reason. Anyhoo, it is explained the helmet was needed because Bobby would take his knuckle and crack her noggin with it. Like just one knuckle? Wouldn’t that hurt Bobby just as much as her?

Sami: “I applaud your heroicism.”

And I applaud Sami making up words. My gut tells me that’s probably a term that Vince uses all the time backstage and no one has the guts to tell him there’s not such word. I like to think things like that. Helps me get through the day.

Also, it helps to get me through train wrecks like this.

Last but not least would be Jessica, with the same towel that was shoved down that youngster’s throat back in the day. Apparently it literally went down the poor kid’s digestive tract and out the other end, as the entire towel appears to be covered in feces. Gross.

Jessica tells us that the reason she carried the towel was due to the fact that Bobby was so mean that she used it to wipe away her tears. “By the end of the night,” she bemoaned, “it would be sopping wet.”

Sami explained that this showed who Bobby actually was – he wasn’t some nice guy, he was a total a-hole.

“He doesn’t love us!” Cathy bellowed. “He only loves himself!”

Francis went into further detail, noting, “My mom and dad HATED Bobby! He was disrespectful until one day they had to ship him off to reform school!”

“Reform school! That’s where the bad kids go!” Sami explained.

Well, that or the WWE writing team, take your pick.

Finally, Sami asked Jessica what the community at large thought of Bobby.

“He stole candy! They’d call the cops on him!”

I’ve known a lot of bad kids in my day…but never one so vile that the cops were called by THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY.

And hey…why did no one call the cops while this thing drug on for what felt like hours in the ring?

Finally, Lashley himself could take no more and ran to the ring to kill Sami and end this farce.

No, wait, my bad. He just came out smiling and waving to the people, then put his arm around Cathy, then joked that Jessica had a bad dress. Finally he told dear Francis she had something so many women wanted: a hairy mustache.

I can’t believe I just wrote all that; it sounds like a mad lib or something.

This company is just the dirt worst sometimes.

It ends exactly as you’d expect – with the family attacking Lashley and Lashley destroying them in turn.

Look, I am all for indy guys getting an easy payday doing stupid things on WWE shows. But the bumps these guys took were truly appalling.

To be fair, though, I am pretty sure Lance isn’t teaching guys how to get crotched with a broomstick then be hurled over the top rope up at the Storm Wrestling Academy.

Thankfully, that would be the last we’d see of the Lashley sisters. But consider this – a segment that was only 10 minutes long was so bad that it placed THIRD in the year-end Gooker voting. In fact, had Crown Jewel not existed, there’s a good chance it could have won the whole thing!

That’s crazy.

As I watched it again, all I could think was someone not only wrote this, someone approved it going on air. Seriously, someone read this script and thought, “You know what? I like it. That will get a big reaction!”

That would be this man:

And as I really start to ponder what Vince had to have been thinking, nodding and smiling prior to these guys in dresses heading to the ring, all I could think was this.

Whatever, weirdo.

Exactly.

Yeah, I’m a Renee fan now for sure.


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33 Responses to "INDUCTION: Bobby Lashley’s Sisters – One Family Reunion You’ll Never Want To See Again!"
  1. Lee W. says:

    And then they turn Lashley heel because it’s not like he’d look like a credible opponent for Brock Lesnar or anything………..

  2. LeiaBlaze says:

    Fun fact: Sami Zayn, a few weeks before, wore an Against Me! shirt. A band with a very notable trans woman as a lead singer.

    Then he is forced to be the heel in this segment.

    Coincidence? I think SO!

    • Josh Owens says:

      Nobody it trans.

    • Si says:

      Sami and Laura are good friends and she’s previously offered to record new entrance music for him. Funnily enough, I can’t find any reaction from either of them to this segment.

    • Guest says:

      Sami was already a heel prior to this feud though. Plus as noted he was working hurt at this time so their wasn’t much they were going to be doing with him in this feud anyway.

  3. C Boz says:

    Love the observation on the so-called word “heroicism”. I can hear and see Vince saying it over and over again, with all of his loyal lickspittles nodding their heads knowing he was full of it. Sounds like the type of word the person who his wife works for now would say; he has the best words.

    Sorry, had to go there.

    I enjoyed this induction, bigly.

    • Jay says:

      It’s almost like he said it once, nodded….and kept saying it to himself until he convinced himself it WAS a word.

    • Enhancement Talent 3 Mark II says:

      Hahaha! I liked the “heroicism” insight too.
      My favourites from back in the day when Vince did play-by-play:
      1/ ladies and gintamint
      2/ unquestionally

      And he used these terms over, and OVER again.

  4. Christopher Haydu says:

    In my opinion, this angle was funny. I don’t think the problem was the angle, I think the problem was Bobby Lashley and the fact that people don’t take him seriously. Imagine if in a few weeks Seth Rollins brought out three men dressed in drag, and he claimed that they were Brock Lesnar’s sisters. Imagine the reaction it would get when Brock Lesnar comes to the ring and absolutely murders Seth Rollins for the insult. I bet the reaction would be great because people take Brock Lesnar seriously. R.D., if Bobby Lashley hadn’t been so smiley and happy when he came to the ring, and he went postal beating up Sami Zayn, would you still consider this WrestleCrap?

    • Craig says:

      Yes, we would because that’s what it is. Nothing Lashley could’ve done would have saved the segment and it wouldn’t have magically become tolerable if it was Brock Lesnar. The reaction would’ve been exactly the same: the crowd crapping all over a shitty angle.

    • Guest says:

      “In my opinion, this angle was funny. I don’t think the problem was the angle, I think the problem was Bobby Lashley and the fact that people don’t take him seriously”.

      The idea that people don’t take him seriously is laughable given

      A. People did in his first run with the company (the issue was his promos).
      B. His run in Impact is was highly lauded.
      C. Part of that is because of WWE’s thing of having always smiling babyfaces.

      “Imagine if in a few weeks Seth Rollins brought out three men dressed in drag, and he claimed that they were Brock Lesnar’s sisters. Imagine the reaction it would get when Brock Lesnar comes to the ring and absolutely murders Seth Rollins for the insult”.

      It would still be stupid. Especially given Brock would be a heel and Seth would also be a heel?

      “I bet the reaction would be great because people take Brock Lesnar seriously”.

      Yeah the people who make fun of Brock’s voice cracking and sub-par promo skills that necessitates the constant trotting out of Paul Heyman every week would “completely” take Lesnar beating up Seth Rollins in a awful “what-if” angle seriously.

      Just like when he F-5 ed Micheal Cole and got cheered instead of boo’ed.

      “R.D., if Bobby Lashley hadn’t been so smiley and happy when he came to the ring, and he went postal beating up Sami Zayn, would you still consider this WrestleCrap?”

      I would think so given how completely stupid, corny, and unnecessary it was.

  5. The Mayor of says:

    This was my first time fully reading about this angle. How come more of a stink wasn’t made about the interview than the segment? The interview sounded worse than the in ring segment.

    • Si says:

      I recall the interview being well received, though with an undercurrent of “if they’re emphasizing his bond with his sisters this much…”

    • Guest says:

      Because the interview was fine and was done to get insight into Lashley’s life. This segment on the other hand was done for little reason other than to get cheap heat and made the Bayley This Is Your Life segment look like the Austin-Tyson altercation.

  6. Erich says:

    For me, this was the segment that broke the camel’s back. I just couldn’t stick with Raw after that. In fact, I stepped away from all of wrestling for about a month. This segment was so insulting bad that I, a wrestling fan of roughly 40 years, stopped watching wrestling. These days, I’ll watch Impact, HoH, NXT, Smackdown, but I can’t watch Raw. I don’t know what the hell happened. But Raw is ruined for me. And this segment was the clincher.

  7. Raging_Demons says:

    There are times I’m happy as he’ll I don’t watch WWE anymore. This is one of those times.

  8. Gerard says:

    Everyone has made fun of everything that tna-nwa/tna/gfw and now just impact wrestling has ever done and for the most part tna deserved it!! from jeff jarrett to dixie carter to hogan and bischoff trying to turn it into wcw2.0. then billy corrigan from smashing pumpkins got his chance to try and didn’t really do much for the company!! nobody had any idea what to do with this company…until…scott d’amore and don callas stepped in and said we know what to do with this company . all of a sudden people stopped laughing at tna/impact and said hey you know something this company is pretty good lets give it another chance. your very own ballot list of gooker candidates showed that impact is getting better when you guys couldn’t find anything to put on the nominee list. like bobby lashley when he was in impact. impact said hes a big tough mean scary guy lets have him be a big mean scary guy!! wwe got lashley back and turned him into a 290lbs clown!! they shoulda just taken the old doink outfit out of storage and given it to bobby!!

    • Guest says:

      Impact is still a company that’s circling the drain financially (and winding up on weird networks no one wants to watch it on). Also while they weren’t nominated for a gooker they had at least three entries on last years worst of wrestling list.

      http://wrestlecrap.com/uncategorized/2018-a-look-back-in-horror-the-worst-in-wrestling/

  9. Too smooth eddy says:

    Remember that time Eric bischoff made RD look like a lady at Starcast? #missedgookernomination

  10. D-Unit says:

    This is awful. I never watched the segment, but can imagine Vince cracking up laughing while explaining to Lashley and Sami that this is what they were doing that day.

  11. Backet of Piscuits says:

    To be fair, it wouldn’t have been quite so bad if RD’s fake ending – Lashley just running out and kicking the crap out of everyone immediately – had come to pass. Also, it should obviously have been a lot shorter. That’s my main gripe when WWE does these angles, not so much the angles themselves but the way they drag. It’s the opposite of a Russo show – instead of twenty things happening every hour and none of them being given time to breathe, WWE comedy angles are given disproportionate amounts of time for the punchline and the payoff.

    Still, it was only one skit and I guess it got Lashley and Zain over, so it wasn’t anywhere near as horrendous as Crown Jewel or the Sasha/Bailey bipolar feud.

    • Chris V says:

      It didn’t do anything to get anyone over.
      The crowd remained completely apathetic to everything Lashley did, which required the WWE to turn Lashley heel to try and get him some sort of reaction.
      It killed any momentum Sami Zayn had, as he was just squashed over and over by Lashley afterwards.
      If anything, it severely hurt Lashley and Zayn.

      The Sasha/Bayley feud did no faovurs for either woman, sure. Yet, Sasha and Bayley remain over, loved by the fans, and are currently the first Women’s Tag Team Champions.
      So, I don’t see how it hurt either Sasha or Bayley in the least.

      The biggest problem with the segment is that it was not funny. If you are going to have dudes dress up as Bobby’s sisters, then you should have them saying some funny shite, at the very least, to mock Lashley.
      Nothing said by Zayn or the “sisters” was in any way funny.
      Then, yes, it did go on and on and on.

      • Guest says:

        “If anything, it severely hurt Lashley and Zayn”.

        If Sami didn’t get hurt constantly jobbing to a whose who of names on the main roster…..which would include Kevin Owens (who he helped to beat Shane McMahon turning him heel in the process) I don’t think this came out hurting him either.

        “The Sasha/Bayley feud did no faovurs for either woman”,

        There was no feud between the two of them. That got scuttled the week after Bayley’s heel turn.

        “Yet, Sasha and Bayley remain over, loved by the fans, and are currently the first Women’s Tag Team Champions”.

        After months of nonstop matches against Ruby Riott and Friends.

        “So, I don’t see how it hurt either Sasha or Bayley in the least”.

        Their respective feuds with Alexa Bliss hurt them substantially but that happened nearly two years ago.

  12. Larry says:

    When the only good thing about this segment is a look Renee Young gives you, you KNOW it’s a bunch of crap. (And not for nothing, Renee is quite the looker!)

  13. NextChamp says:

    The booking of Sasha & Bayley for all of 2018 was way worst than this. And this was a garbage fire of a segment that killed Lashley and Sami dead for the rest of the year. (Or at least until Sami got hurt.)

    Think about that!

  14. Kevin Lonergan says:

    Please….I’m trying to forget what a shitty year 2018 was:Crown Jewel,Extreme Rules,Ellsworth, Bayley/Sasha/Dr Shelby and now this!!! I just hope 2019 is a better year….what am I saying,it’ll probably be just as bad,or worse!!! 😉

  15. CF says:

    Subtract the blatant Virtue-Signaling in the voting for the Gooker, and this wins hands-down.

  16. Mitchell Colburn says:

    When you pick two of the least charismatic performers in the company to do a comedy segment, it’s never going to end well

    • Guest says:

      Alexa Bliss supposedly has charisma and her A Moment Of Bliss segments to say nothing of her Bayley This Is Your Life bit were nothing less than awful.

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