INDUCTION: The Tables vs. Ambulance Match – Who Knew These Two Inanimate Objects Hated Each Other?

25 Submitted by on Thu, 07 July 2016, 20:00

avt-slideWCW, 2000

WWE is trumpeting the fact of late that they’ve just put the last 80 or so eps of WCW Monday Nitro on the Network.  Good for them.

Better for us.

Actually, I should say BEST for us, because if you are on this here website, that means that you yearn to see the absolute worst of pro wrestling and you will find nothing more horrible that I know of over an extended period than WCW in the year 2000.

Seriously, just pick any random Nitro from the summer of 2000 and you will find something horrendous on there.

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No joke, as I was looking for this particular match that someone suggested, I found a series of clips where Major Gunns attempted to seduce Ralphus while Van Hammer made a stinky face looking at his backside.  This somehow led to a segment where Ralphus and Norman Smiley washed a car.

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With WHITE PAINT!

HA HA HA!

HO HO HO!

HEE HEE HEE!

But hey, let’s say bad comedy isn’t your cup of tea.  Maybe you prefer abject tastelessness?  Then let’s go to this flashback where Kanyon is thrown off the roof of a triple decker cage and rendered “paralyzed”…

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…in the same arena where Owen Hart felt to his death.

Yep, WCW had it all.

And ironically, that angle led to this match we are here to discuss today.  And it’s one I’ve never heard of before – a TABLES VS. AMBULANCE MATCH!

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As noted above, at this time Kanyon was “paralyzed”, unmoving and in a halo, courtesy of Mike Awesome.  Prior to the match, we get an exclusive sit down interview with Kanyon, who explains that it’s not a question of when he is going to walk again, but IF he is going to walk again.  This leads to what may be my new favorite animated GIF in the history of WrestleCrap:

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Mike Tenay nodding.

I’ve never mentioned it before, but a life-long goal of mine would be to do an induction using solely imagery I’ve made iconic at WrestleCrap.com.  I can think of only one reaction to such a post.

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Would it even be possible to do such a thing?

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More importantly, should I ever try it?

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Nah, probably better not.  That would get mighty old mighty quick.

But hey, wait a tick.  This looks just like the set Tenay interviewed Stacy Keibler in during an induction I wrote a couple years ago.  I was going to say, “I need to do a compilation induction of all the Mike Tenay porn set bits”, but then I realized that would put me behind on the compilation induction of all the Lee Marshall Road Reports.  Not sure I could sleep at night with that knowledge.

TO THE MATCH!

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Mr. Awesome makes his way to the ring mocking Kanyon, sporting the same halo and wheelchair.  While he is doing so, we get commentary from Mark Madden that is so completely horrible no less than Tony Schiavone claims he’s gotten stupider just listening to it.  I kinda felt that way about anything Mark Madden ever said, which is why I pretty much had the last year or so of Nitro on constant mute.

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OH!  And a guy in the crowd has to poop.  See, we used to get interesting signs like this all the time on wrestling shows, especially on Nitro.  I vividly remember a giant sign that read “I have hemorrhoids!” with a cut out so he could scream when the camera picked him up.  I’ve not stumbled upon that yet on the Network, but when I do, you’ll know it as it will be my profile pic on Facebook.

Anyway, Awesome does the best he can with his horrible dialogue, talking about how he needs a sponge bath and makes an Ironside joke.  Dang, that joke references something so old and vague even >>>>I<<<< had to look it up.  When the guy who came up with all those Mike Check bits has to do research to get the joke, it’s probably best to leave it on the cutting room floor.

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Awesome’s foe shows up and it’s The Wall.  No joke, I was trying to remember what the guy even looked like, and the image above is the best the crack WCW production crew could give me.  Fortunately, it gives me an excuse to post this video, in which Hulk Hogan is able to tell who the guy is even though he’s like a mile down the road and 37 stories up in the air.

Indeed – THAT’S THE WALL, BROTHER!

Man I miss the Hulkster.  Only he could make something so absurd sound even more absurd by telling him to “come down and get some”.

As Scott Hudson explains the rules (“Put your opponent through a table, put him in an ambulance!”), Wall attacks Awesome with such fury that he splits his pants.

avt-09Yep, WCW 2000 had it all.

Following this trouser tearing onslaught, Wall comes running at Awesome as he is standing beside the ropes.  If you’ve even seen one battle royal ever in your life time, you know how this turns out.

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But wait!  Despite the bell ringing and Awesome being announced as the winner, the chaos continues as Awesome’s New Blood crony, Shane Douglas, appears to waffle Wall with a lead pipe.  The two carry The Wall to the back where an ambulance awaits. But wouldn’t you know it, this ambulance isn’t empty!

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Kanyon’s co-hort DDP shows up with a chair and smacks Awesome with it, throwing him inside the ambulance whilst also giving him a massive wedgie.  Does that mean Wall has now won the match?  Or is Awesome still the winner?

I’m so confused.

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And with that, the ambulance leaves the building with Awesome inside.

Let me repeat that – the ambulance leaves the building with Mike Awesome inside.

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And meanwhile, The Wall pummels Shane Douglas into oblivion on the floor.

Again, if you will allow me –  The Wall pummels Shane Douglas into oblivion on the floor.

No doubt you are questioning why I am continually noting these things.

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Let me also grab the time stamp of that before continuing.  There it is – you can see it.  44:08.

Well, less than 10 seconds later…

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…Shane is alive and well backstage, LAUGHING!

And he’s not alone!

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His buddy Mike Awesome is right there with him!

Remember earlier when I said WCW 2000 had every type of WrestleCrap imaginable?

Horrible production values count too, right?

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You bet they do, Professor!


Love stupid stories of WCW’s demise?  Then I urge you to check out The Death of WCW: 10th Anniversary Edition!  Over 400 pages of utter nonsense that destroyed what was at one time the largest pro wrestling company planet earth had ever seen.  Help out the site by picking it up at Amazon via this link – available in paperback, hardcover, and Kindle!

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
25 Responses to "INDUCTION: The Tables vs. Ambulance Match – Who Knew These Two Inanimate Objects Hated Each Other?"
  1. Mav says:

    WCW was so sad at this point. And they still had such a deep roster even a year before. Those wheels came off quick.

    Sadder still is that Mike Awesome, Kanyon and The Wall are no longer with us.

    • Lee W says:

      Yes, if only this sort of rubbish didn’t take away from WCW’s vastly improved in-ring product in comparison to the rubbish matches we were being “treated” to just a few months earlier. Sadder still, 2 of the performers who are no longer here aren’t because of suicide.

  2. Sean Bateman says:

    Goddamn Russo strikes again.

  3. Alex Russell says:

    I know the hemorrhoids sign of what you speak. It was from a Nitro in Minneapolis… fun fact..the guy holding that sign? Jeremy Borash. I shit ye not!

  4. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    I’m not sure what’s worse – whether that bit of Mark Madden’s verbal diarrhea WAS or WASN’T scripted. Tasteless even by WCW’s rock bottom standards.

    • Caveman says:

      Yeah. I still don’t get why Madden is so revered in American Football and even has a video game series to this day. Nonetheless, I’ll always keep him in fond memories due to his prominent role as “RD’s ass” in Wrestlecrap’s old Mailbag.

  5. John C says:

    I want Serious Face Mike Tenay to be the moderator for all political debates. Also, to be a gynecologist, to interview d-list celebs as they explain their latest trip to rehab, to be a stern yet fun loving father on a 80’s sitcom where he has three daughters and a cyborg. He should also be the partner in a buddy cop movie that plays by the rules until pushed to far by that drug cartel that shot his favorite dachshund.

  6. Plastic Diver Guy says:

    What was up with the coffin? And how do SD & Awesome expect to open it without any sledgehammers or drills?

  7. Geoff says:

    You know I bet Dixie looks at WCW vids post 1997-2000 and thinks I can top that. And she does, every… single… year… on TNA. Which isn’t a good thing for her viewers but great for us here at Wrestlecrap. And her roster stays the same, gets added and shrunk. And (AND) people continue to watch and pray to holy high hell that TNA will somehow at some point in some way get better than it was last year. Talk about your die hard fans. You’ve said it before, you’ll say it again “if what you are doing is Wrestlecrap worthy, that’s not a good thing.” here’s to you Dixie, hopefully 10 more years (months probably) of being the worst you can possibly be.

    Meanwhile over at WWE we get….. Divas Revolution.

    Change the channel quick!

  8. DarthPitch says:

    Of course Mike Awesome would make an Ironside reference. He should be well-versed in 1970s television, being That Seventies Guy and all.

  9. phillip sanders says:

    i remember about ten years ago in the wrestlecrap forums some one tried to get everyone to compile a list of 100 production mistakes wcw had during its tenure. I think the list got to 50 or so before people gave up and started arguing over if ultimate warriors mirror segment was a production mistake or not.

  10. Cory McCasland says:

    “I’m so confused”

    (opens envelope) What are the three words those still watching Nitro, and probably most of those working on it, said every Monday.

  11. Jimbolian says:

    I propose the image with Van Hammer be the cover of his autobiography and that it should be the title: Butt Crack Face and Milky White Substance: The Van Hammer Story.

  12. Mister Forth says:

    Boy Russo should’ve been made to watch this stuff before booking anywhere else.

  13. Rob Brown says:

    About that segment with Hogan and The Wall: could it possibly be explained away by Hogan looking at the big screen and seeing the closeup of The Wall on it? Or did they not have a screen at that show?

  14. Guest says:

    Did this come before or after Shane Douglas and the Wall had that “Best Of 5” table match on Nitro?

    Also while I’m very aware of how infamous it is I’ve always wondered why the Network has yet to put episodes of Thunder up.

  15. CF says:

    Another piece of evidence for the Vince Russo “Crimes Against Wrestling” trial….

  16. Sean Bateman says:

    I call RD’s induction of said match and raise him the match between Tygress, Paisley and Major Gunns a few weeks later. Your move, Deal.

  17. Caveman says:

    RD, why was the Wall even in that match?

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