I am pretty sure if I decided to make it a Halloween tradition to induct every stupid Divas costume gimmick match, I’d have material until the end of time. I mean, really, they have these things every year, right?

But 2011 was different.

Muppet-tastically different.

Ah yes, the glory days of the infamous guest host era of Raw. What a disaster that period of company history was. Save the hate mail; for every Bob Barker we got, there were a hundred Dr. Kens. And Buzz Aldrins. And Mini Mes. By the time they were rolling out Al Sharpton to the ring, I think we all knew this was a concept that needed to die post haste.

Still, even a crusty old codger like myself has to admit that the Muppets showing up…I mean, come on, that’s as close to a can’t miss as you could possibly get.

Really, this happened. I don’t blame you for doubting that this actually took place, but it did, and it was, for the most part, pretty grand. There was some horribleness to it to be sure (what the heck happened to Statler & Waldorf’s voices???), but it was fun to see them interacting with the various talent.

Well, except for Miss Piggy engaging with Vickie Guerrero in a boob fight.

That was kinda bothersome.

Admittedly a bit mesmerizing, though.

I feel filthy writing that.

Thankfully, the two were interrupted prior to any mammary glands, human or Muppet, were ruptured by the start of the annual Divas Halloween masquerade ball. And it seemed only fitting that Janice’s daughter, Kelly Kelly, was the first to appear. Not quite sure what she was supposed to be (“Is she a cowboy or a pirate?” asked Piggy), and before we had a chance to figure it out, she slid right in and gave Kermie a big ol’ smoocharoo.

I know people have questioned the virtuosity of Barbara Blank before, what with the rumors of her and various guys in the back.

The fact that she started macking on a Muppet (right in front of his decades-long girlfriend, no less!) probably answers that better than fifteen tell all biographies ever could.

Let’s meet the rest of the competitors before the train flies off the rails and wrecks in a spectacular manner.

We get Eve, as Robin. Before you ask, there’s no corresponding Batman. That just seems wrong; I mean, does anyone go to a Halloween party as, say, Stan Laurel without Oliver Hardy?

And with that joke, I must admit I feel as though it is truly Halloween and my fingers were somehow haunted by the ghosts of WrestleCrap writers past..that there was a Triple Kelly joke if I ever heard one.

(Just kidding, Kel, you know we still loves ya!)

Also participating are Aksana as Morticia Addams (I thought she was Russian, not French!) and Tamina Snuka as the scariest Egyptian princess you will ever, EVER see. Remember that creepy woman from The Mummy? This one?

WAY less frightening that Tamina Snuka.

Pro: Tamina is not wearing that outfit. I’d be begging for Imhotep to come claw my eyeballs out of my skull like he did to that guy wearing the glasses if she were.

Let’s see, who else is here…

Natalya is the Queen of Hearts. Really glad that Michael Cole told me this, because otherwise I had absolutely zero clue what she was supposed to be.

The Bellas are Mario and Luigi. All will be forgiven if John Cena shows up in drag as Princess Peach.

I feel even filthier for writing that. At this point I can only surmise that I am, in fact, possessed, this time by old WCR reporter Peter Gazer.

~shivers~

As noted, Kelly Kelly is a pirate. Or a cowboy. If Piggy wasn’t sure, neither am I. Alicia Fox is a sailor (not Popeye). And…I seriously have no idea who that is on the left or what she is supposed to be. Cole guessed it was Michael Hayes. King noted that it was in fact Dog the Bounty Hunter. Neither man actually told us who it was, so I’ll see if I can figure it out before they do.

Michelle McCool maybe?

Rosa Mendez is a cave woman. I thought she was doing her best to become Jungle Grrrrrrrl from WOW. I was kinda hoping she was, because she really needs to update her website.

And that’s AJ in the middle…I have a theory as to who she is, but I am afraid to actually say it out loud (err, type it out loud?) to show just how much of a geek, nerd, AND poindexter I actually am. Let’s just get the match started.

It’s every horrible women’s battle royal you ever saw. Only this time, with goofy costumes. So it’s every horrible women’s Halloween battle royal you ever saw.

With one major, MAJOR exception:

AJ LEE IS KITANA FROM MORTAL KOMBAT!

COMPLETE WITH STEEL FAN ACTION!!!!

No matter how WWE may try to ruin her, she will forever hold my nerdy heart in her hands.

And I am sure that by posting this image, this page will get approximately 10x the views it ever would before.

You want to know why AJ got over in the first place? Because she was a geek that other geeks thought they stood a chance with. Good for her. Personally, though, she got over with ME when she talked about how she’d spoon with Daniel Bryan. Probably in this position:

Oh and yeah, she was eliminated quickly.

As were about 5 others, including Dog, who was revealed to be Kaitlyn. The woman I thought was Michelle McCool was KAITLYN????!!!

Both are blonde.

Both are caucasian.

Both are female.

That’s about where the similarities end I think.

After that, I can only assume that I’ve now been possessed by Blade Braxton and am now 40(,000) sheets to the wind.

Anyway, Eve wins.

OH! And SPEAKING OF winners, I know someone of you are reading this induction solely to find out who guessed correctly what I went as for Halloween this year. The correct answer?

DING DING DING!

WE HAVE A WINNER!

I’m the guy on the left.

You know, the one they didn’t let DRIVE THE BOAT.

I even auditioned, noting “THERE IT IS – THE BACKSIDE OF WATER!!!”

No dice.

The Bucket List remains unchecked.

Happy Halloween, nonetheless!