Text by RD Reynolds
Confession time here at the Crap.
Last year during the Gooker Award voting, I was concerned. No, more than that, I was scared, mortified, almost, at what appeared to be an inevitability: a TNA angle was going to win WrestleCrap’s biggest (and by biggest I do mean ‘only’) award. The storyline was the Robert Roode-Traci Brooks- Eric Young angle in which…well, see, that’s the problem.
The storyline was so incredibly convoluted that even I, a guy who watches the show on weekly basis, had pretty much zero idea what happened. Heck, I can’t even formulate a single sentence on the thing trying to outline it. And now I was going to have to write an induction on it?
That’s the thing with TNA. It’s the most complicated company on the planet. As an example, one time Mike Tenay said that an upcoming match was, and I quote, “quite simple.” This statement was followed by three screens of rules to explain just how simple the match was. Like I said, nothing is ever simple in this company.
Take, for instance, a Christmas tree. Joyous, festive, green with pretty lights and ornaments, a very simple representation of the holidays. You show a two-year old a green pine tree, and they will likely say, as best a two-year old can say, “Christmas.”
Not in TNA, though.
No, in TNA the Christmas tree is wrapped in barbed wire, with presents under the tree that are,,,well, here’s Mike Tenay to explain the match we are going to talk about today, Silent Night, Deadly Night.
See, even there, we have a Christmas tree wrapped in barbed wire, but THAT’s not enough! We also need to have PRESENTS, but they aren’t just presents, they’re presents that are weapons.
Wait a minute, give me a second to try to wrap my head around this one.
We have a Christmas themed match, a match in which the presents are weapons.
Apparently A BARBED WIRE TREE IS NOT SUFFICIENT.
If the weapons don’t come from the WSX bunker, I’m calling BS.
Let’s take a look at the folks in the ring. We have Rellik. That’s “killer” spelled backwards. I know this because for the better part of six months, every single time they said the guy’s name, Tenay would follow with “which is ‘killer’ spelled backwards.” In fact, Tenay said it so often that I have to question whether his ring name is actually Rellik or Rellik (that’s ‘killer’ spelled backwards). For the rest of the induction, let’s go with the latter.
Though, to be fair, I should probably state that I don’t even know what that means.
He’s a backwards killer? Huh? Does he bring people back to life? Is he a doctor? A faith healer? A medium?
I better stop, I may give Russo ideas.
His partner is Black Reign, who you would know better as Dustin Rhodes, who, in turn, you would know better as Goldust.
Of course, he can’t use that character in TNA, so here he comes out wearing an outfit pretty close to his old Goldy outfit, if you replaced all the metallic trim with white.
OH! And he has a RAT!
No, not THAT kind of rat, but rather an actual, live rodent he’s dubbed ‘Misty.’ One time his rat was abducted and came back a few weeks later bleached white.
The only way you could possibly think I would make such a thing up is if you never watch TNA. Those of you who suffer along with me every Thursday night know better.
I could ramble on about their opponents (the very great Shark Boy and Abyss, who I used to work with on indy shows where he wore a bright cyan outfit, a crown, and told the fans not to call him a “blueberry”), but seriously, why bother? After all, there’s only one thing here you want to know about:
THE BARBED WIRE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Disappointed? Yeah, I have to admit, when I first heard about such a thing and then saw it, I was as well.
In my mind’s eye, I had this vision of a giant pine, like 20 feet tall, with lights and ornaments and an angel on the top, all bedecked in razor fence garland.
In practice, we just get a mish-mash concoction of barbed wire and what appears to be broken pieces of old umbrellas.
Oh, that’s the other thing about TNA: not only is it confusing, it’s always very ghetto as well.
Anyway, the match gets going, and what’s the first thing that happens? Do guys start ramming each other into the tree?
No, silly – they start UNWRAPPING PRESENTS!
The first present? A golf club! This pleases Rellik (That’s “Killer” Spelled Backwards) , who goes after Shark Boy with it.
I say poor strategy. Now granted, I’ve never been in a Silent Night, Bloody Night match, but I’m thinking if I have the choice of using a golf club or a BARBED WIRE TREE, I’m probably going to pick the TREE.
But hey, the golf club at least makes more sense than what Black Reign decides to use: his meaty fists.
Again, I’d mock the odd battleplan Rellik (That’s “Killer” Spelled Backwards) and Reign have formulated, but I just noticed…the tree?
It’s SWINGING IN THE RING.
Apparently it’s held up by something in the rafters. Why? Why is the tree held up by wires leading to the rafters?
Your guess is as good as mine!
After about thirty seconds of pummeling our hero, Rellik (That’s “Killer” Spelled Backwards) decides to go for a cover. But Reign pulls him off and starts punching him.
Yes, Black Reign is attacking his own partner.
Why did he attack his partner?
Also don’t care.
And why should I when 30 seconds later they are working TOGETHER again?
Or when ten seconds after THAT, they are FIGHTING again?
I’d get upset about all this, but how can I?
I am too mesmerized by the site of a barbed wire Christmas tree SWINGING IN THE AIR.
And finally, FINALLY, that tree comes into play as Black Reign whips Shark Boy into the it. Sharky reacts to this by bouncing off it like a ping pong ball.
Seriously, I have pinball machines that don’t have that kind of kinetics.
After seeing his partner ricochet off the tree, Abyss decides “screw that crappy thing” and starts grabbing stuff in the boxes. First he gets a barbed wire bat…
…then he gets some tacks…
…and a hockey stick…
…and something Mike and Don West refer to as ‘broken glass’.
If you say so guys. Looks more like rock salt to me. Maybe it’s snowing outside the Impact Zone?
Sharky and Abyss decide to give the tree another shot, as they bring it all the way to one corner, and SWING it at their foes.
And unlike when it bounced off Shark Boy, this time it sticks to Black Reign like he’s a pin cushion.
Well, he does have a bit more padding than Sharky.
And just because this match isn’t stupid/complicated enough, we get the lights going out and when they come back up we have…
…Judas Messias in the ring!
Hey, I remember that guy from WSX.
Abyss better watch out or the whole ring may explode in bad CGI!
Sadly, we don’t get eyeball laserbeams, but instead Chris Abyss gets dumped on his head and that’s enough to end the match.
The real question as I write this induction isn’t why such a match took place, but whether or not we can look forward to another one this year. Personally, I am all for TNA becoming the Holiday Inn (the Bing Crosby movie, not the hotel chain) of wrestling promotions, putting on specialized bouts to celebrate each holiday. I can see a Groundhog’s Day Match wherein guys try to dig themselves a hole under the ring, a Valentine’s Day Battle Royal with dudes hitting each other with giant candy hearts reading “Blow Me”, and a St. Patty’s Day Brawl where the winner gets a pot of gold.
And the Fourth of July? Just wait til I tell my buddy Vince Russo where to stick the sparkler!
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