This induction is going to tell you absolutely everything the WWF told us about Crush when he debuted for the company in 1992.
He liked to crush things.
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Wait, inductions can’t be that short? Well what else am I supposed to say? That’s all this stupid company told us about the guy for literally a year straight!
Alright, alright, I tell you what. I will do one better by doing a deep dive on the introductory vignettes we were given prior to his “arrival.” I put that term in quotes, because the poor guy had been in the company for quite some time before he was given a makeover.
You may recall him as the third member of Demolition.
You know, when he was Crush.
That’s right – this company decided to give him a makeover, but apparently that makeover couldn’t include something like a NEW NAME. He was Crush when he was wearing makeup and spikes, and he was Crush when he showed up in this ridiculous ensemble:
Only now he was a good guy.
A good guy who apparently liked to spray paint innocent cinder block walls with neon colors bearing his name.
But more than anything, he liked to CRUSH things. And he did that ever since he was a little boy, as we learned through a series of absurdly awful vignettes…
…complete with HOME MOVIES.
I know he says he likes to CRUSH things (and trust me, if he hasn’t gotten that into your skull yet, he will), and yeah, he squished that can, but his crappy Lincoln Log farm was right there and he left it standing.
Shouldn’t he have demolished that too?
Oh right, he wasn’t DEMOLITION Crush anymore. My bad.
But if you thought we were getting just one filmstrip of L’il Crush, no no no. We got weeks of them, always with Crush waxing philosophical about his upbringing. Usually while sitting on any old pile of garbage that just happens to be lying around.
Here we see Crush being told he needs to put on his napkin prior to dinner, and that he needs to pour himself a giant glass of milk so he’ll grow up big and strong. Of course he slops it all over the place due to his desire to, yes, you guessed it, CRUSH things.
I’d question why he wasn’t properly taught how to pour liquids into a glass, but since Mama Crush felt that dinner should consist primarily go a mountain of cookies, I’m guessing he didn’t have the best role models.
I should also note that while this videos were horrible to watch, listening to Brian Adams attempt narrate them may have been even worse. His “ha ha ha” after every dumb thing he said.
Strap yourselves in, folks – this is 100% Grade A WrestleCrap, and we are just getting started.
Now let’s follow the big guy to the junkyard, which somehow reminds him of playing baseball as a child. I don’t know either, but that’s what the guy said. Which you can listen to by clicking here.
Of course since he’s so mighty, he pops the baseball as if it were made of paper mâché. Which I am quite certain it was.
Then he smiles and winks at us.
Sorry, that is just disturbing.
I see that and I think I need to call the authorities. I’m not even sure why, or who, but it certainly feels like something I am legally bound to do.
Perhaps even more so as the guy just continually wanders around the garbage lot and talking about eating guys.
Dude (or dudette), THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.
Don’t blame me. I’m just reporting the facts.
Then this weirdo doesn’t leave the junkyard for like weeks on end. Instead, he hangs out there, licks his thumb before pressing on a filthy machine, winks at us again while giving us a locomotion yes movement, all before laughing uproariously as a car that was already flattened gets like an 1’8″ shorter.
This total creep then looks up to the heavens, seemingly thanking God for the ability to destroy unwanted vehicles while walking around in his ridiculous neon colored spandex getup.
Watching all this again after all these years…well, suddenly Kronik makes a whole lot more sense.
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