One of my favorite memories of my early days of wrestling fandom was gathering around with my friends to watch Saturday Night’s Main Event. Still to this day I remember grabbing the TV Guide at Ye Olde Food Mart and thumbing through it, hoping and praying that I’d see that Channel 5, Cincinnati’s NBC affiliate, would not be showing Saturday Night Live that week, but rather a heapin’ helpin’ of the WWF. And when I saw they were, I’d immediately run home and call my friends to give them the good news (this was back before new fangled doojobbers such as cell phones, you see).
Those shows were so awesome. You always got at least two, sometimes three, marquee matchups that you’d never see unless you paid for ’em either at an arena or on PPV. Orndorff vs. Hogan. Bulldogs vs. Harts. Hogan vs. Funk. Savage vs. Bret Hart. Roberts vs. Savage. Bundy vs. Jake. I could literally spend this entire space just giving you match after match, and spend the next three WrestleCrap Radios reciting the commentary of them to you.
Yes, they were that great.
Of course, the wrestling world has changed a lot since then. These days, you see everyone against everyone on free TV each week, to the point that you never want to see any of them again. There are no marquee matches left because there is no patience to build them anymore. So when you recreate a show that was built primarily around the premise of those dream matches that no longer exist, is it any shock that it was a complete flop?
Just as I could spend a lot of time talking about the great SNME’s of the 80’s, I could also spend just as much time blathering on about the horrible SNME’s of the 00’s.
I could, but then I’d have to watch them again. And I ain’t doing that.
Instead, I want to spend our time together this week discussing the June 2, 2007 version of the show, wherein WWE decided to present it as a complete freak show.
And I mean that very literally.
Think I’m kidding?
(Let me take a sip from WWE Niagra Falls cup to prepare my carnival barker voice.
Ok, I’m ready.)
HURRY, HURRY, STEP RIGHT UP!
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SEE THE…
JUST WATCH YOUR STEP!
THERE’S CRAP ALL OVER THE PLACE!
So yeah, that was the hook for the show. You, the dopey viewer, were going to the carnival days of old, and your prize wasn’t some old kewpie doll, no sir!
You were going to get giants, clowns, midgets, and big fat men.
Big fat men apparently so constipated that their eyes are going to pop out of their heads!
So the show begins and we get The Tranny (that would be Ashley Massaro for you newer readers), who sadly is not their as the sword swallower.
Rumor has it he also was the winner of the match in which Vince got his head shaved, but I’d argue the winner there was all of us who got to watch Vince do the goofiest, most over the top sell job of all time for his scalping.
So we get every pro wrestling arm wrestling contest ever, complete with stalling, stalling, and…more stalling.
Still, this is at least entertaining, because you know, it’s Vince being a douchebag.
A douchebag who can’t be bothered to go through with the match, and thus brings out his substitute, Mark Henry.
You know, if this were legit, I’d actually be interested to see it.
But it’s not, and it ends with Vince waffling Lashley in the back of the head with a chair.
Some other crap follows this, but it features nothing that is biggest, smallest, strangest, or strongest, so we’ll just skip it, and get right to the woman with the least sexiest voice ever…
Here comes Finlay and Hornswoggle, and just when you thought that a Leprechaun was the goofiest thing you’d see tonight, we are introduced to…
….well, here’s the Boogeyman.
Wait, I said “goofiEST” thing.
So let me give you…
Yes, as in a midget dressed up as the Boogeyman.
How did THIS gimmick not last?
I’ll spare you the details of the match (seriously, it lasted like 45 seconds), only noting that it had lots of short clotheslines and small packages.
Sadly, that’s not a poor attempt by me at humor.
It actually happened.
On the plus side, Finlay kicked Little Boogeyman right upside the head for the pin with such force that it had King Kong Bundy shaking his head.
Something Bundy would NOT be shaking his head at would be Exteme Expose, here to do a dance recital for us all.
And by ‘dance recital’, I do mean stripper auditions.
Extreme Expose, for those of you who don’t remember them, would be a trio of Kelly Kelly, The Deever (Layla), and Anonymous Brooke (now Miss Tessmacher in TNA).
Solely for the purpose of historical record, I will now rate them on their dancing ability.
Brooke: Pretty good. She wiggled and shimmied and shaked like she had ants in her pants. I can only surmise that she actually does have some type of insect in her trousers, and her constant attempts to remove them without using her hands is how she was able to generate arguably the best backside of any woman in wrestling today.
I’ll give her a B.
The Deever: Awesome beyond belief. Girl looks like she’s having a seizure, and if the cinematic opus namedShowgirls taught me anything, it’s that seizures make for fantastic sex.
A+ material right there.
Kelly Kelly: She pretty much stood around and did nothing.
I know everyone thinks she’s hot, but to me this girl seems to have zero clue how to be sexy in any way, shape, or form.
Unquestionably an F as a dancer.
On the plus side, she doesn’t have Candice Michelle’s voice.
Backstage we go now, as Hornswoggle and Little Boogey are chasing each other around in what appears to be a game of tag…
…ending with Horny going up a ladder, sliding down a pole, and then…
…running back out to the ring.
Where yes, the girls are still dancing.
Well, Deever and Brooke are dancing. Kelly? She’s just standing around in the most stoic manner possible. Sheesh.
Anyway, you’ve got midgets.
You’ve got hot chicks.
This can lead to only one thing.
I know you’re asking what could possibly follow that up. Well, here’s Michelle McCool to tell us, annnouncing in the most robotic voice this side of Linda McMahon that we’re about to see…
Anyway, as you might suspect, this is the STRANGEST part of this show.
I’d have gone with CRAPPIEST, but that’s probably just mean trying to come up with a way to shill my site.
And we’re underway, with The Doink facing off with the non-big nippled vampire.
The action starts with The Doink raises his arms to get the crowd to yell “YAY!”, and then pointing at Thorn to get them to yell “BOO!”
That’s the theory at least. In reality, it sounds like there are about 3 drunk guys in the rafters that are into it.
Oh, and this last like a minute and a half.
Seriously, you don’t need to hunt this thing down on YouTube. Just watch that hand-crafted two-frame animation I’ve made for you for the next 90 seconds and when The Doink raises his hands kinda mumble “Yay” and when he points to Kev mumble “Boo”.
It’s lke you’re RIGHT THERE!
After a smattering of what I will generously call “action” (the highlight of which was The Doink shaking his anus at the vampire), Umaga and Eugene tag in. And if you thought the “Yay/Boo” bit above was something else, you’ll love the 60 seconds of staredown between these two.
Remember Hogan vs. Rock at Mania about ten years ago? That awesome staredown?
This ain’t the same.
But just when I thought this match was beyond hope, Big Vis tags in and does…
…the Rick Rude Hip Swivel!
I can’t decide if that’s awesome or horrible.
One thing I know that is definitely awesome is Kane tagging in and chokeslamming Vis.
Actually, it looked pretty horrible.
But it led to the end of the match – and this show – and that made it awesome.
So what’s the moral of the story today?
Is it that old ideas that were great in the past should be left there?
That Divas not named Kristal Marshall should never ring announce?
That Boogeymen shouldn’t have midget counterparts?
That Big Vis’ tribute to Ravishing Rick is awesome?
That it’s horrible?
All those things, I think.
But more than any of them, it’s that the word “Doink” should never be preceeded by the word “The”.
Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often).
Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!