no secret to listeners of Wrestlecrap Radio, that I am
a huge fan of the original He-Man and Masters Of The Universe
cartoon. I regard the original set of episodes as some
of the best cartoons of the 1980’s. The abomination
you’re about to see today however, is quite different.
Straying far away from most of the series continuity,
it appeared to have been written by Satan, directed by
Rod Serling, and produced by Rob Black. Yes kiddies, get
set for a stocking full of voyeurism, atheism, bestiality,
incest, and yes, FLYING VIBRATORS….batteries not
holiday yarn begins at the Royal Palace of Eternia, where
all the heroes are getting the decarations ready for a
big winter celebration of a very important figure’s
big birthday. It’s nice to know that Jesus is loved
on Eternia. Oops, what was I thinking? This cartoon was
written by Lucifer. The December birthday they are celebrating
is actually the birthday of the twins, Prince Adam and
Adora, better known as He-Man and She-Ra. God help us
all, the ruler of the free world, King Randor, has never
even heard of Christmas.
know, after being married to his wife for over two decades,
Queen Marlena - who was originally from Earth - you’d
think maybe, just maybe, one of the biggest holidays she
used to celebrate on Earth might’ve come up in conversation
at least once. Talk about a dysfunctional marriage. Crap,
look at the poor guy. He’s dressed himself up like
the Burger King for God’s sake. He’s obviously
crying out for attention. Marlena, quit daydreaming about
servicing Mekaneck’s mekacock, and talk to your
husband every once and a while.
out in resident inventor Man-At-Arms tool shed, he and
Prince Adam are working on a device called the Sky Spy,
which according to Man-At-Arms is capable of spying on
Skeletor, and quote, “watching his every move.”
Good one, Perv-At-Arms. Forgot about just launching a
bomb at his home base of Snake Mountain and wiping him
out, let’s build a voyeuristic flying ship that’ll
spy on ol’ bony in the bathroom to see whether or
not he wipes from front to back.
quickly go down hill, as Eternia’s slap-sticky magician,
Orko, does what every irritating sidekick from Godzooky,
down to Dungeons & Dragon’s Uni has done since
the dawn of cartoons…he fu#ks something up…..bad.
He gets inside the Sky Spy, and causes it to launch into
the sky. And he doesn’t stop at just peeping on
Clawful making out with sandcrabs at the beach while wearing
a g-string, no sir. Orko and the Sky Spy end up blasting
all the way across the galaxy, finally crash landing on
Orko floats around on this strange, snow-filled new world,
he hears two kids screaming, as they are about to be covered
by an avalanche of snow. He uses his magic teleport the
kids to safety. On second thought, appearing to be cartoon
images of two of the most annoying kids ever- Jake Lloyd
from Star Wars : Episode I, and Carol Ann from Poltergeist,
why didn’t he just let them get buried.
brats - equally annoying in their own right - in between
the whining, pissing, and moaning about getting lost,
missing Christmas, and other assorted ramblings they do
all show long, do have time to tell the uninformed Orko
the story of the Christmas spirit. A story which includes
happiness, peace, and most importantly, presents. Our
Lord and Savior’s birthday, smirthday…we want
a peace pipe loaded with ganja and a Nintendo Wii.
on Eternia, our heroes have figured out a way to bring
Orko back from the faraway Earth. Seems She-Ra must go
on a perilous journey to save the joker. Before she goes,
she and Adam engage in the most incestuous embrace since
The Empire Strikes Back, and then he expresses some questionable
love towards her.
all the forbidden love out of the way…it’s
time to rescue Orko. You know what that means, all you
80’s cartoon fans. Yes, it’s time for…
The Way-Too-F’n Convoluted Rescue Plan!!!!
order to save Orko, Man-At-Arms must use his retractor
ray to bring him back to Eternia. Easy right? Well, It’s
also gonna require the following:
a special crystal to operate the ray. A crystal that She-Ra
2) ride on her flying horse named Swift Wind (apparently
the name Quick Ass-Blast was already trademarked) to another
planet to find, and find out where it’s located
3) talking to some whorish-looking mermaid, who tells
her she must go to..
4) the cartoon equilalent of Hades, where she must fight
the dreaded “Beast Monster,” who guards the
crystal. Don’t forget, the lazy bitch actually needs
the Whorish Mermaid to do the dirty work of grabbing the
crystal while she and Swift Fart fight the beast.
Last, upon obtaining the crystal, run into another gang
of robots, named the Monstroids. Perhaps the worst robots
ever invented, these guys look like the rip-off Transformers
one would purchase at the Dollar Store.
6) Fight with Monstroids until the commercial break. SIGH
While those Monstroids were bad, they weren’t as
bad as this guy, Horde Prime. Turns out, this never before
seen villain is not only evil, but he actually is the
boss of Skeltor and Hordak, who we always assumed were
the two main baddies. Also, we never actually see the
giant Horde Prime, all we get is a shot of his robotic
hand. If I didn’t know better, that’s what
Mae Young’s baby would look like if it turned to
the dark side. To paraphrase Obi-Wan Kenobi, “He’s
more machine now than hand.” Prime tells the two
that they must kidnap the two Earthling kids and bring
them to him, as he senses the Christmas spirit Jake and
Carol Ann are spreading around on Eternia on could lead
to his demise.
the ray to teleport Orko, Jake, and Carol Ann back to
Eternia, the rather effeminate Bow decides he should serenade
the two whippersnappers from Earth with a
hideous holiday song. Note Bow’s “musical
instrument,” which for a lack of a better name,
we will dub it the “fagsichord.” No wonder
why She-Ra wants to bang her brother, this fairy is her
only other choice for a mate.
bad as Jake and Carol Ann screeching is, look at the power
of said fagsichord. It’s caused fellow She-Ra sidekick,
Kowl, to kiss and make out with Orko. Crap, guess we really
needed to see a flying owl make out with a floating, amputee-like
Smurf in the form of Orko.
were peaceful. Things were happy. Things were gay. This
moment was good. All of a sudden, hell appeared in the
it’s a BIRD!!!!!!
a FLYING ROBOTIC COCK!!!!!!
evil Hordak is flying the giant Dildonator, and he shoots
it’s red wad ray and kidnaps the kids, kicking off
the remainder of the show which would challenge how effective
Eternia’s Amber Alert system is, as the next few
minutes would see the kids first getting abducted by Hordak’s
Helicockter, quickly rescued by the WORST characters ever
seen on television, a brutal combination of the Ewoks
and the Go-Bots, the hideous Manshines.
weren’t free for too long, as the Monstroids showed
back up, abducting the tots. Not wanting to be showed-up
by knock-off Transformers, Jake and Carol Ann were quickly
kidnapped for the third time in the span of five minutes
(not even receiving a single piece of candy in the process
of said abductions, either), this time by the most evil
man on Eternia, the Lord Of Vengeance himself, Skeletor.
How evil is Skeletor? He starts yelling at Carol Ann to
get up as she collapses from hypothermia in the snow.
something rather Twilight Zone-ey happens. The kids tell
the story of Christmas for the third time, this time to
Skeletor, who had never heard of it. Once again, the kids
talk all about presents to an uninformed Eternian. Can
Jesus get some love, here?!? I know all these clowns on
Eternia worship a sorceress who turns into a squawking
orange bird, but come on. What inspirational text or historical
facts are written about the Sorceress in the Eternian
bible? Let me guess… “And on the 8th day,
she shit on Skeletor’s head.”
beginning to think these kids have some kind of Charles
Manson / Jim Jones mind control going on here. Upon hearing
the story and drinking Jake and Carol Ann’s Christmas
Kool-Aid, Skeletor does the unthinkable – he does
a face turn. He gives the kids coats to keep warm, carries
their Manshine mutt of a robotic dog around, and ultimately
saves the kids from child abduction number four of the
evening, by blasting Horde Prime’s ship out of the
sky. He meets up with He-Man and She-Ra, gives them the
kids (who after all these abductions, are going to need
some serious therapy and medication) and like every other
demented kid of the 80’s who grew up worshipping
the diabolical bonehead….what
the hell is going on?
Man-At-Arms transporter ray working, the heroes wish Jake
and Carol Ann a merry Atheist Day…oops, I mean Christmas,
and they are sent back home to Earth. Our story ends with
a very questionable He-Santa and She-Ra, practically flirting
and flashing each other the bedroom eyes.
surprised that he didn’t kiss her under the cameltoe…uh,
I mean mistletoe. Say He-Man, is that a yule log in your
pants, or are you just REALLY happy to see your sister?