Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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MOAMMAR GADHAFI WILL STEP DOWN IF WWE LETS HIM HAVE RICARDO RODRIGUEZ
By Justin Henry
Tripoli, Libya – With rebel forces having overtaken the Libyan capital, it seems to be only a matter of time before Moammar Gadhafi, Dictator of Libya for over four decades, is completely removed from power.
While the coup continues to play out, lives are being senselessly ended in bloodshed through the streets of Mediterranean city, and the worst may not be over.
Gadhafi has broadcast messages of inspiration to his loyalists to continue fighting in his name and his rule, but the odds are against them at this point, as it would take an astonishing turnaround for Gadhafi loyalists to reclaim the capital. Other nations monitoring the situation, including the United States, France, and England, are hoping for a swift climax to the warfare, and that all gunfire will cease if they can get Gadhafi to simply step down.
While experts believe that Gadhafi has no interest in relinquishing his power, there is apparently an odd twist to that belief.
Gadhafi is noted in some circles to be an avid fan of World Wrestling Entertainment (one WWE “Did You Know?” was to have revealed Gadhafi, Kim Jong Il, and Hugo Chavez are all WWE fans, before Linda McMahon’s campaign advisor had it scrapped), and has taken a shine to current WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio, due to his portrayal of a foreign aristocrat, and his apparent dislike of white people.
Specifically, Gadhafi is alleged to have an infatuation with Del Rio’s personal ring announcer, and charming sidekick, Ricardo Rodriguez.
“Gadhafi has had many servants, sidekicks, serfs, and suck-ups, but has never had one with the elegance and panache of Mr. Rodriguez,” said a source who has asked to remain anonymous. “He has said he would give his kingdom and riches to have Ricardo in his life.”
That statement begs the question: what does Moammar Gadhafi want with a diminutive ring announcer who looks like a Hispanic Eddie Munster?
“It’s kind of hard to describe what Gadhafi sees or wants in Ricardo Rodriguez,” continued our contact. “Whenever the conversation turns to WWE, apparently, Gadhafi steers it specifically toward Rodriguez, and then he gets this school-girl like grin. His brusque bravado is reduced to giggles and silly notions, like just….being near Ricardo, having Ricardo say his name, having a picnic with Ricardo. It all sounds very silly, I know. Given that Kim Jong Il loves the Three Stooges and Megan Fox, I guess every dictator has to have bizarre preferences. These would be Gadhafi’s.”
Even if Gadhafi were to agree to give up his role as Libya’s dictator in exchange for possession of Rodriguez, is WWE willing to play ball?
“We’ve been trying to get Gadhafi to host Raw since we began the concept,” rasped John Laurinaitis. “We wanted him to confront Hulk Hogan for crumbling the picture of him in that Real American video. Gadhafi’s a little hard to get. An endorsement from him for Linda’s campaign would have been swell.”
As for Ricardo Rodriguez, the WWE talent has not returned our calls on the matter, as his phone is usually answered by someone speaking a weird language, perhaps Spanish.
MAN AWAKES FROM COMA AFTER 8 YEARS, CAN’T BELIEVE WWE ACTUALLY PUSHED RANDY ORTON
By Justin Henry
Gresham, OR – Relatives of thirty-one year old Scott Sackledge will never forget the accident that nearly claimed his life on July 24, 2003.
Sackledge, then twenty-three, was working construction on the now-finished Holiday Inn on Centerton Avenue, when strong gusts blew him off of a seventh-story beam. Feared dead, Sackledge was rendered comatose, with brain activity, and a chance of awakening, one day likely.
It took over eight years, but this past Tuesday, Sackledge opened his eyes and, within minutes, was communicating with friends, family, doctors, and orderlies as if nothing had ever happened. Floods of memories returned, as he knew everyone’s name, as well as their relation to him.
He also remembers his love of professional wrestling.
“My best friend, Joey Meason, spent hours relaying eight years of wrestling news and information to me,” laughs Sackledge. “I missed so much, like CM Punk becoming a player, ECW briefly coming back, Randy Savage dying, and none of it particularly made me wince or stir. Savage’s death, yes, but it all seems natural and normal to me. Well, except one thing.”
Sackledge’s laughter subsided, and a thin-eyed, ponderous look of incomprehension became his mask.
“That guy, Randy Orton. He was just a lackey for Triple H, like some tattooed version of Josh Hartnett that had no personality or identity, even less so than Hartnett, and I remember telling Joey, ‘This push won’t last. He has nothing but a good body! WWE will give up on him in no time at all, and they’ll find some other stiff that’s at least half interesting to parade on Raw. Boy was I in for a surprise.”
Indeed, as Meason laid out Orton’s incumbent eight years of sustained usage on television, primarily in a main event role on both Monday Night Raw, as well as Smackdown, netting a number of World Titles along the way.
“I had no idea that WWE could be so blind to a man’s limitations that they would make him champion just to fulfill the sexual fantasies of the latently homoerotic men in charge,” said Sackledge. “I asked if Orton became a better speaker, and Joey said no. I asked if maybe his in-ring work got better, and Joey said they made everyone else dumb down to Orton’s level. I asked if Orton had become a model backstage citizen, and he said that Randy harasses women and makes inflammatory statements about his colleagues. It really is baffling that, eight years later, he’s one of WWE’s alpha males. It’s not even like I’d want WWE to admit they were wrong for having faith in him. You know, just give the fans somebody that’s interesting and conducive to being a draw, and we’d all be happy, I guess.”
Sackledge may experience culture shock as he adapts to life in the year 2011. With nearly a decade to catch up on, the former construction worker has a lot to learn, especially about professional wrestling.
“Oh, I kept asking Joey about my hero, Chris Benoit, but he kept changing the subject. Any idea what that’s all about?”