Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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WWE FORGES SOLIDARITY PACT WITH PENN STATE AND SYRACUSE VICTIMS, FIRES TERRY GARVIN’S CORPSE
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – In the wake of the sexual abuse scandals that have rocked Penn State University’s football program, as well as Syracuse University’s basketball program, World Wrestling Entertainment has continued their outreach of benevolence, with next year being an election year and all.
It was announced on Wednesday that WWE had come to terms on the immediate release of the dead body of former wrestler/backstage agent Terry Garvin.
Garvin, who died in 1998 of stomach cancer, left WWE in ignominy in 1992 after former ring attendant Tom Cole, among others, made public claims of sexual assault during his tenure with the wrestling company. Garvin resigned, and lived a quiet life until his death six years later.
The statement released on Wednesday read, in part, “World Wrestling Entertainment has come to terms with the release of the estate of Terry Garvin. We wish his skeletonized corpse well in its future endeavors.”
The move has been deemed “suspicious” by several insiders, who note that WWE has, for one, timed its redistancing from Garvin to coincide with the fallout of internationally-covered scandals, and, two, for firing a dead body.
“This is a very peculiar move to say the least, but not so much so when you remember that Linda McMahon is running for Senate,” said an industry insider. “Vince McMahon would do anything beyond the realm of possibility to get his wife into the US Senate. Someone joked with me that Vince was looking for a time machine to go back to 1994, after the OJ Simpson incident, and pre-emptively fire Chris Benoit. I laughed, and then I realized the guy wasn’t kidding.”
As for Garvin’s dead body, it will have to sit out for ninety days before TNA or any other wrestling promotion can negotiate with it.