Headlies: WWE Announces The Inaugural “Matilda Memorial Battle Royal”

15 Submitted by on Mon, 19 March 2018, 08:00

Stamford, CT – At a press conference earlier today, WWE officials announced that Wrestlemania will be hosting the inaugural all-animal Matilda Memorial Battle Royal.

“The fur is really going to fly at this year’s Wrestlemania as thirty animals will battle in a WWE ring,” said Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon. “Strong. Powerful. Smelly. These unique Superstars have set the bar for the entire animal kingdom.”

Matilda was the mascot and manager for the British Bulldogs tag team in the 1980’s. She was famous for chasing Bobby “The Brain” Heenan around the ring and for telling Dynamite to “hit ’em with a dropkick.”

McMahon explained the match’s name saying, “I used to play with Matilda backstage as a little girl. We had an incredible friendship and she deserves to be memorialized on the grandest stage of them all. Also, my dad still won’t let me name a match after myself.”

Participants already mentioned for the event include Frankie the parrot, Damian the snake, Ricky Steamboat’s komodo dragon, Bad News Brown’s giant sewer rat, Torrie Wilson’s dog Chloe, a pile of the Boogeyman’s worms, and El Torito.

“Of course we will have a few surprise entrants,” said McMahon with a wink. “WWE always tries to provide an air of unpredictability to these matches. Additionally, New Orleans is pretty lax with their animal fighting laws, so that really helps. Grab your Hurricanes and come on down!”

Fan speculation has already led to predictions from Mantaur to Jack Swagger’s Eagle to the Gobbledy Gooker.

“Tune in find out who will heel, roll over, or soar to victory,” said McMahon to groans from the crowd.

WWE trainer Jason Albert is currently working with the animals at the WWE Performance Center. He is teaching them  how to “work” the proper WWE style and has sustained several scratches and bites.

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15 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Announces The Inaugural “Matilda Memorial Battle Royal”"
  1. John C says:

    The early speculation is a final four consisting of George “The Animal” Steele, Road Warrior Animal, Animal Hamaguchi & The Animal Batista. However in a swerve to end all swerves Nipple H’s pet pussycat will arrive to screw everyone and allow Triple H’s dog Lucy to go over everyone.

  2. CF says:

    Which leads inexorably to this:

    http://www.sharppointythings.com/images/tshirts/wwf-shirt.jpg . >:)

  3. Adam says:

    I’m torn whether to put my money on the San Diego Chicken, or Mankind’s rat.

  4. Nacho Man Sandy Ravage says:

    In a “shocking” twist, out comes “The Big Dog” Roman Reigns much to the confusion of everyone except Vince McMahon who is backstage strutting around exclaiming “THIS IS WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE!”

    Reigns immediately eliminates a goat kayfabe owned by Daniel Bryan and Jake the Snake Robert’s python who had been the cinderella story of the match after kicking its 6 rodent a day habit and getting its life back on track with DDP yoga.

    Reigns then made short work of crowd favorite The Gobbledygooker who had entered at #1 after 4 Superrman Punches and an awkward looking spear. Reigns then used this opportunity to remind everyone that “This is his yard!” before hiking his leg and taking a big samoan leak on the nearest turnbuckle.

    It was symbolic both literally and figuratively of WWE’s current creative direction. A sample of Reigns’ victory whiz was collected from the urine soaked turnbuckle for further study. So far specialists have determined Reigns tested positive for the banned substance Heartguard as well as trace amounts of catnip.

  5. KatieVictoriasSecret says:

    Will Al Snow be refereeing?

  6. Christopher Haydu says:

    Have there been thirty animals featured on WWF/E programming over the last thirty plus years?

    1. Matilda
    2.Winston
    3. Damien
    4. Lucy
    5. Bad News Brown’s sewer rats
    6. Steamboat’s komodo dragon
    7. Frankie
    8.Lucifer (Jake’s second snake)
    9. Sting’s vulture (he was WCW, but we have thirty slots to fill)
    10. Big Josh’s dancing bears
    11. Steve Mongo McMichael’s chihuahua
    12. Dusty Rhodes’s gorilla
    13. Dusty Rhodes’s gorilla’s mother
    14. German shepherds (from the Kennel From Hell match)
    15. Leopard (Did the Black Scorpion turn it back into an audience member?)
    16. Sting’s guard bird
    17. Terrible Ted the wrestling bear (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terrible_Ted)
    18. Horse that kicked at Terry Funk
    19. Horse that Jeff Jarrett rode when he returned to the Double J gimmick in 1998
    20…..

    I really can’t come up with anymore. Can anybody come up with eleven more?

    • Thomas Moffatt says:

      There was Howard who was the Godwinns goat

      The donkey JBL rode to the ring

      Dusty Rhodes ‘kiss my ass’

      Rene Dupree’s poodle Fifi

      Waylon Mercy’s worm

    • C Boz says:

      I think we should include:

      MANTAUR!!

    • adam says:

      Torrie Wilson’s dog
      Mankind’s rat
      The camel Heenan rode at Mania 9
      Taker’s vulture, also from Mania 9
      … I remember a Confidential episode about Regal’s two lizards. (Wally and Bluey?)

      30!

  7. Alvin says:

    Matilda was a bad dog. A very, very bad dog. Ask anyone at the post office. They should’ve gone with the Pepper Battle Royale, at least he died honorably.

  8. Mav says:

    Don’t forget Jake’s cobra.

  9. RSingh says:

    After the business with Moolah, naming an event after a cuddly-looking dog isn’t the worst thing they could do.

  10. Captain Obvious says:

    There was also Chavo Guerrero’s hobby horse, Pepe.

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