Headlies: Wrestlers Make Their New Year’s Resolutions

14 Submitted by on Fri, 03 January 2014, 08:00


Stamford, CT and Orlando, FL – Various wrestlers and wrestling officials from both WWE and TNA have made their New Year’s resolutions public.


AJ Lee: “Get endorsed by Skip-It and polish my forehead.”

The Bella Twins: “Yell ‘Come on!’ more during matches.”

The Big Show: “I vow to team up with as many people as possible. 2014 is the year of ‘Big Kidd’, ‘The Truth Show’, ‘Santin-Show’ and ‘ShowJo’.”

Big E Langston: “I’m finally going to buy some letters and fill out the rest of my first name.”

Brock Lesnar: “I dunno. Maybe take up knitting or something.”

CM Punk: “I’m going to do the top-rope elbow as badly as possible and see if the marks still love me.”

Curt Hawkins: “Appear on Raw. Oh, man, that would be so cool!”

John Cena: “I’d like to finally win the Divas championship. I’d look so pretty with that thing around my waist. Uh, I mean C-Nation. The Champ is here. Chain Gang.”

JTG: “Yo, man, shut up! Vince or Stephanie might hear you. I’m not JTG! I’m just your friendly concessions-stand vendor. Shhhh!”

Linda McMahon: “011001010111001010001010110010.”

The Great Khali: “Jitana caimpiyanaśipa tatha get G.E.D. badir.”

The Miz: “I’m going to be the best face in WWE. Or heel. Whatever.”

Paul Heyman: “Destroy all copies of ‘December To Dismember 2006’ and say ‘Brrrrrrrrrock Lesnar!’ more.”

Randy Orton: “I…am…really…going…to…try…and…slow…things…down. Stop…and…smell…the…roses…you…know…what…I…mean?”

Triple H: “Bury Daniel Bryan. Bury Bray Wyatt. Bury Daniel Bryan. Bury the Shield. Bury Daniel Bryan. Bury Dolph Ziggler. Bury Daniel Bryan. Bury Justin Gabriel. Bury Daniel Bryan.”

Vince McMahon: “Finally induct Mr. X into the WWE Hall of Fame.”


Abyss: “Find out who the dish ran away with.”

Austin Aries: “Create a tip jar to go along with all of my matches on Youtube. The IWC has extra income since they’re not buying any Pay-Per-Views. Oh, and sticking my crotch in more faces.”

Bobby Roode: “I’d like to regain my fortune. I mean, I used to be rich, right? Whatever happened to that?”

Bully Ray: “Bully more. Ray less.”

Daniels: “Tell Kazarian how I really feel about him.”

Dixie Carter: “Use the Wheel of Dixie to make all decisions. Should I get Chinese or Italian for dinner tonight? Oopsies, looks like I’m having a reverse battle royal for dinner!”

Gunner: “Get recognized in public.”

Kazarian: “Don’t let Daniels tell me how he really feels about me.”

Madison Rayne: “Dye my hair a crazy color. I’m thinking blonde.”

Manik: “Find my long-lost brother, Rellik. That’s ‘Killer’ spelled backwards.”

Mr. Anderson: “Make it the full year without getting hurt or hurting someone else.”

Rampage Jackson: “Find out if I’m still technically in TNA.”

Rockstar Spud: “I’m going to get that ‘Real Boy’ operation, just like Gabbo.”

Samoa Joe: “Sandwich.”

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14 Responses to "Headlies: Wrestlers Make Their New Year’s Resolutions"
  1. John says:

    I love the Robo-Linda one. Is that her code sequence to begin the plan to bring to make the dead come back to life so she can have them take over the world, or just vote for her so she can finally win an election.

  2. patricko says:

    Sadly, I liked Samoa Joe’s.

    And props for keeping the “JTG is hiding” bit going for so long. Well played!

    • JO2014 says:

      Jake Roberts: I’m going to enter the Royal Rumble this year, man…..Or raise enough money to buy TNA and rewrite the whole damn show…Whichever direction the snake between my legs that I’m using to represent a penis takes me….

  3. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Linda’s resolution is great! Nicely done!

  4. Third String Point Guard says:

    Zack Ryder: “Win a singles match.”

    3MB: “Win a singles match, a conventional tag match, a six-man tag match, ANY KIND OF MATCH, BAY-BAYYYYYYY!!!!”

  5. Alexandru says:

    LOL the Samoa Joe one and Ken Anderson one. Plus I’ll give JTG credit he’s been with company forever and he’s getting paid to seemingly sit at home (or hiding somewhere indefinitely).

  6. Sir Thomas says:

    “Sandwich” was all Samoa Joe could get out before the ninjas came along and abducted him again. They really seem to enjoy doing that for some reason.

  7. Frozen Banana Expert says:

    The Orton one reminded me of Stevie from Malcom in the Middle.

  8. AK says:

    There’s no way I can top any of these but I have a few more to add just for the fun of it.

    Santino Marella: To replace the sock cobra with a real cobra. Then people may actually start taking me seriously around here.

    Dolph Ziggler: Reunite the Spirit Squad, that way I won’t be the one constantly jobbing.

    Ryback: Feed Me More..Midcarders

    Kane: I am going to actually go and get my Dentist license. I mean I played one on TV and I’ve been growing my natural hair in!

    Curtis Axel: Make sure WWE creative to repackage me every month with a new name and character as opposed to every couple of months. Even though I am Mr. Perfect’s son, under no circumstances should anyone announce me as such.

    Stephanie McMahon: Give everyone a break and let my husband Triple H handle things from here on in..*Fires creative member for writing this New Years Resolution*

    Eva Marie: Become a better wrestler, like Trish Stratus or Harvena.

    Yoshi Tatsu: Drop the stereotypical Japanese gimmick and win the WWE Universe by being my true self, John Smith

    Kofi Kingston: Upgrade the Boom Drop to the Kaboom Drop #unleashthewildcat

    Damien Sandow: Continue to be the Intellectual Saviour of the Masses!…Or the Easter Bunny. Whoever actually gets a bigger push.

    Kevin Nash: N/A Tore both his quads..wait until next year
    Next Year’s New Year Resolution: You don’t want to hear my New Year’s Resolution. You can’t handle it. It’s just not going to happen. Pick the Miz or something.

    Evan Bourne: To only go Air Bourne in the Ring and not in a Car

    Sin Cara: To have a botch free year, starting with getting in and out of bed.

    • Third String Point Guard says:

      Those are actually good resolutions! Love Evan Bourne’s resolution, BTW.

      Here’s another…

      Hunico – To learn how to botch consistently, so as to keep the spirit of Sin Cara alive.

  9. franky keys says:

    HHH’s new year resolution is to get ultimate warrior back to avenge his wrestlemania loss

  10. JO2014 says:

    Jake The Snake Roberts: I’m going to enter the Royal Rumble this year, man….or raise enough money to buy TNA and rewrite the whole damn show, you know? Whichever direction the snake between my legs that I’m using to symbolize a penis takes me…….

  11. Marissa says:

    I was mildly amused until I read Samoa Joe’s… then I was VERY amused.

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