Brattleboro, VT – Diehard NXT fan Emily Walker-Tynes has decided to end her marriage with her husband Roland following his failure to accurately repeat Enzo Amore and Big Cass’s catchphrase.
“After 17 years of marriage, this was the final straw,” said an irate Emily, packing up her WWE replica title belts. “You think you know someone and they just do something so…I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this anymore. It’s just too upsetting.”
The “something” that Emily was referring to was Roland jokingly trying to repeat the tag team’s lengthy catchphrase. The relationship became strained on Christmas morning when Emily opened her present from Roland, revealing a new Baron Corbin shirt.
“I had asked him for a Finn Balor shirt and he gave me this…thing. Minus five stars, no buys, this isn’t awesome clap clap clap,” said Emily.
A concerned Roland tried to rectify the situation by trying to recite the catchphrase. Unfortunately, his memory is not what it used to be and attempts at ad-libbing only made things worse.
“’This is Big Casey and he’s seven feet tall. Bada bingo can’t teach that lingo?’” recounted Emily. “What does that even mean? What kind of man doesn’t know how do something so easy? I knew I should have listened to my mother and waited for Bobby Eaton at his hotel room.”
“I don’t know. Sorry I couldn’t remember every little detail,” said a distraught Roland to himself. “Sorry I can’t remember Chuck Gable and Mimosa John or whatever. I can keep track of all these new people, and moves, and sayings. I miss the old days when everyone was named The Crusher or The Destroyer and everyone just dropped an elbow or used bodyslams. Back then, you just had hairy, fat guys yelling at each other. Simple.”
The couple has decided that Roland will keep the house, the cars, and the pets so that Emily can pursue her dreams of going to every NXT taping at Full Sail University and becoming an internet celebrity by holding up overtly sexual signs about Bull Dempsey.