US HERO WITH GOLDEN TRUNKS BECOMES HOMELESS MAN
By Sean Carless, Catherine Perez
Orlando, FL – Once a national icon who inspired millions to train, say their prayers, and eat their vitamins, semi-retired pro wrestler Hulk Hogan has become the new, American riches-to-dew-rags cautionary tale.
Hulk Hogan enjoyed mega-stardom in the mid-1980s and early 1990s as part of the World Wrestling Federation, where he achieved awe-inspiring feats of strength such as bodyslamming a 700-pound Andre the Giant– a feat that not only ultimately led to Andre’s death weeks later, but to global warming, the election of George W. Bush in 2000, and season 2 of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, as well.
“I wish I had saved some of those vitamins, bruther,” said Hogan, fashioning a makeshift bandana from a discarded newspaper business section. “Some of them were chewable. I haven’t eaten in weeks. Or pinned anybody.”
Hogan, 57, is now homeless and desperate for work after a short few years of having his hard-earned money and a solid gold toilet seat siphoned from him by a greedy ex-wife. The repercussions of having a painfully stupid son and a largely talentless daughter only helped to exacerbate Hogan’s current predicament.
“I’m just looking for a second chance, dude,” continued the suddenly bashful Hulk, scratching his dimpled chin as he pondered. “I’d work for maybe half the gate. I’d do it front of only 20,000 people, too. I’m flexible.”
Researchers at TheSmokingGun.com revealed a bombshell this week; that Hogan has a lengthy criminal history, something that no other hobo in American history has ever had. He became addicted to Hulkamania in 1983 and had been arrested for possession of Hulkamaniac paraphernalia countless times, eventually pleading No-Contest, and one double-disqualification. He said he has been clean for six weeks (or a matter of hours in our time).
Hogan was discovered early last year by a man named Eric Bischoff, who previously sold meat from the back of a truck in Minneapolis, MN. Since becoming an internet and TV sensation after a video that demonstrated his amazing ability to bodyslam incredibly heavy objects garnered millions of hits on YouTube, Hogan has come across numerous job offers from Rent-A-Center and, well, that’s it. Still, he feels remorse every day for not seeking the help he desperately needed decades ago/pinning Randy Savage one more time when he had the chance.
“They think you’re really invincible,” revealed a tearful Hogan, seemingly looking within. “But what they don’t realize is, you carry the weight of the world on your barn-door back.”
DIXIE CARTER “SURPRISED” TO FIND TNA DVDS IN FYE BARGAIN BIN
By Justin Henry
Hendersonville, TN – A recent shopping spree ended in bewilderment for TNA owner Dixie Carter.
Carter was enjoying a day of clothes shopping with some friends, when a stop into FYE at the local outlet mall yielded an eye-opening discovery.
“The bargain bin was loaded with discounted DVDs of Total Nonstop Action” revealed Carter’s friend, Gayle Fisidor. “Some of the prices were insulting! The Abyss DVD was a dollar, the Sting one was two dollars. The DVD for Victory Road 2009 had a sticker that read “$10WPY”, which was most insulting!”
“WPY”, it turns out, means “we’ll pay you”.
“They were offering customers $10 to take Victory Road!” continued Fisidor. “They said that even touching it invokes some kind of curse like in that “Ring” movie, but I don’t buy that. Several employees almost freaked out when we tried to pick it up, and I won’t lie to you, THAT made me uncomfortable.”
Carter’s discovery apparently left her friends feeling sorry for her.
“Poor Dixie; she thought the bargain bin in the front of the store was a display for the hottest sellers” said friend Miranda Grosham. “She thought Abyss was just ‘fake crying’ whenever he got his quarterly royalty checks, but now we know the real story.”
TUPAC-BIGGIE FEUD BEGAN OVER STAR RATING DISAGREEMENT
By Justin Henry
Los Angeles, CA – The East-West rap wars of the 1990s provided the world with a chilling look at how jealousy, hatred, and regional pride can result in senseless violence and, in some cases, murder. The deaths of rap icons Tupac Shakur and The Notorious BIG brought public attention to the wars between the coasts, in particular their record labels, Death Row and Bad Boy respectively.
While many believe the feud between the friends-turned-sworn enemies began over Shakur accusing Biggie of being behind a November 1994 murder attempt on himself, the story behind the souring goes back even further.
“The two men were big wrestling fans, and were both strident in their beliefs on what “good wrestling” was” said Nick Broomfield, who directed the 2002 documentary “Biggie and Tupac”. “The issues between both men actually began over a disagreement over a match rating, you know.”
Broomfield revealed that a joint viewing of Summerslam 1994 led to Biggie and Tupac disagreeing over the Bret Hart-Owen Hart steel cage match for the WWF Championship.
“Mr. Biggs firmly believed that the match was five stars, and rivaled the Wrestlemania ladder match from earlier in the year as 1994’s best match” Broomfield continued. “Tupac wouldn’t hear it, and he said that the ladder match was clearly superior, since there were too many slow climbing spots in the cage match. Shakur claimed that the cage match was ****1/4 at best. It’s an arguable point, but Biggie wanted to argue HIS point by drawing his glock.”
The two apparently came very close to life-threatening violence that night, and Biggie even asked Tupac to leave before it got ugly. Broomfield acknowledges that the disagreement caused the unmended rift between the two.
“It’s a shame things ended before they could be fixed. In the summer of 1996, Biggie even sent Tupac a compilation tape of a couple ECW house shows from RF Video. The Las Vegas shooting happened days later, so there went all hope.”