San Francisco, CA – In a surprising move, WWE has fired their head writers for both Raw and Smackdown and replaced them with enigmatic cult movie director Tommy Wiseau.
Wiseau, best known as the writer, director, producer and lead actor in the 2003 movie The Room, was introduced to the company yesterday afternoon.
“Tommy will be a natural fit here in the WWE,” said Vince McMahon. “We’ve had a long list of working with Hollywood, whether it was having Freddy Prinze Jr. writing for Smackdown, Pete Rose being constantly assaulted by Kane, or the ‘Where’s the beef?’ lady serving as guest time-keeper at Wrestlemania 2.”
When questioned why Wiseau was being brought on to helm both Raw and Smackdown, McMahon said, “Tommy is a quadruple threat. He has more skills in his stringy hair than most people have in their entire bodies. He was pure dynamite in The Room. I mean, I really felt that he loved Lisa so much. We need that pure, raw emotion for WWE television.”
Wiseau, sporting his trademark sunglasses and slack jaw, addressed the throng of reporters and fans about his writing plans. “Oh hi, marks. I just love Cena so much. He’s so beautiful. At Night Of Champions, Cena will beat Brock Lesnar in like 20 seconds, man.”
The press conference was then interrupted by an irate Paul Heyman, “The addition of Wiseau is a travesty and a mockery to professional wrestling. I have bled wrestling for over 30 years. What has this human Muppet ever done?”
“Oh, hi Heyman” said Wiseau blandly. “You’re cranky today. Whatever, I don’t care. You’re just a little chicken. Cheep-cheepcheepcheep!”
Furious, Heyman tore through the crowd, reaching Wiseau and ripping out a chunk of his hair.
Distraught, Wiseau picked up a nearby television, threw it out a window and screamed “You’re tearing me apart, Heyman!”