Headlies: TNA Hires More 90’s Musicians

16 Submitted by on Mon, 04 May 2015, 08:00


Nashville, TN – Following the positive press response after signing Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins, TNA President Dixie Carter has gone on a spending spree signing various popular musicians from the 1990’s.

Carter made the announcement during a press conference flanked by the newest members of TNA.

“We here at TNA Impact Wrestling are pleased as punch to welcome these fine musicians to our family,” said Carter. “First, I would like to introduce you to TNA’s new Director of Finance, the mastermind behind the band Hole, Courtney Love!”

A disheveled Love lifted her shirt and took a bow.

“Next, please say hello to TNA’s new COO, John Popper from Blues Traveller!” shouted Carter.

A wild-eyed Popper smiled and brandished several hunting knives.

“Give a warm welcome to TNA’s Senior Manager of Digital Content and Engagement, the guy from Semisonic!” cheered Carter.

Dan Wilson, lead vocalist and guitaristfrom the band Semisonic, gave a small wave to the crowd.

“Let’s have a big round of applause for our Leader Representative of Making Us Feel Things, Sixpence None The Richer’s Leigh Nash!” said Carter before giving an off-key performance of the band’s hit single “Kiss Me”.

“And Rico Suave will be our President Of Yummy Washboard abs.” gushed Carter

“Uh, Dixie, my name is Gerardo,” said the 90’s heartthrob.”

“I’m paying you to look hot, not to talk,” said Carter.

“This is just the first phase of new hires,” continued Carter. “In the second half of the year TNA plans to hire Jonathan Taylor Thomas, a Furby, and the Biker Mice From Mars.”

No one in the company has yet to inform Carter that Biker Mice From Mars was a cartoon.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
16 Responses to "Headlies: TNA Hires More 90’s Musicians"
  1. John C says:

    Communications Director Kurt Cobain has yet to comment.

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Surprised they aren’t going to hire irritating 90’s DJ and WWF pain in the ass Todd Fucking Pettengill.

  3. Chris D says:

    TNA also plans to round out its creative team with Wendy the Snapple Lady, Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish, and a pair of Sketchers.

  4. Anonymous says:

    In all seriousness, this is BY FAR THE DUMBEST THING EVER done by a wrestling promotion. If you thought TNA was bad already, it’ll get 10x worse with this asshole in charge. People will be begging Dixie to put Russo in control again.

  5. Third String Point Guard says:

    And in other news, Dixie Carter is proud to announce the signing of five obnoxious foreign heels for the Knockouts division – the Spice Girls.

    Meanwhile, TNA has hired Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver as Wellness Policy Director. Jeff Hardy released a press statement expressing his support for Weiland’s hiring.

  6. AdamX says:

    Hole…Blues Traveler…Semisonic…somebody remembered the name of the singer for both them and Sixpence besides me without googling….you’re kind of all over the place there.

  7. the14thListener says:

    They wanted Salt n’ Pepa but got outbid by GEICO.

  8. J says:

    Insist Billy a huge wrestling fan who had his own company at one time so I can kind of see why she hired him

  9. Bonesaw Shaw says:

    Good golly this headie gave me jollies

  10. MistaMaddog says:

    Dixie sure loves the 90’s….she tried to bring back WCW (Sting & Bischoff), NWO (Hogan & Nash), WWF Attitude Era (any broken down future endevored superstar) and even ECW (Tommy Dreamer’s Hardcore Reunion show).

  11. Josh says:

    And in the following quarter, TNA security will be led by Sonic the Hedgehog and a Tamagotchi.

  12. Down With OPX says:

    Biker Mice From Mars? Wasn’t that Aces & Eights?

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