Headlies: Samoa Joe Tries To Convince Vince McMahon That He Is Actually American

3 Submitted by on Mon, 11 March 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – This past week’s WWE writer’s meeting was dominated by WWE Superstar Samoa Joe trying desperately to convince Vince McMahon that he is, in fact, American.

“Before we get started, I’d just like to say welcome to our new United States Champion, Samoa Joe,” said Vince McMahon to the applause of everyone in the room. “Now, to make sure we’re all on the same page, I asked Linda to pull some strings in the government and brought in a Samoan translator. Joining us from the United Nations, please also welcome Stephan Tui.

“Um, Mr. McMahon? I speak English,” said Samoa Joe.

A confused McMahon looked to Tui, who explained that Joe was thrilled to be here and ready to work.

“Excellent!” said McMahon. “Naturally, we’ll want to play up Joe’s non-American heritage. We’re going evil foreigner all the way until Wrestlemania.”

“Wait, I’m American. I was born in California, for crying out loud!” said a flustered Joe.

“I think that’s a fantastic idea and will be sure to make fun of all Americans,” translated Tui.

“Perfect. I want Joe to do all sorts of Samoan things. Wear traditional Samoan clothes and go barefoot. Sing the Samoan national anthem. Wave the Samoan flag. Speak Samoanese. Show us your crazy passport!”

“This is ridiculous!” exclaimed Joe. “American Samoa is a U.S. territory!”

“Joe suggested that he should grow a mustache for his new role,” said Tui.

“Yes! There’s nothing more evil, foreign, and despicable than a mustache! Make it real big and bushy so people know he’s different from us!” exclaimed McMahon. “Ugh, just thinking about it makes me sick. Yuck! Let’s make it happen!”

McMahon is currently considering having Samoa Joe come to the ring at Wrestlemania on a giant mustache-shaped float.

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3 Responses to "Headlies: Samoa Joe Tries To Convince Vince McMahon That He Is Actually American"
  1. John C says:

    “Damnit pal I’ve got a great idea we’ll dress up your translator like Kim Chee and Joe can hit his opponents with coconuts. It’ll be a switch from Piper hitting Snuka with one and it won’t be a racist gimmick because you’re the foreigner doing it to an American like John Cena. That’ll set up a Wrestlemania match and Cena will come out in loincloth jorts and say Me Tarzan you Jane to Joe, Joe will then lose in 12 seconds and then becomes Samoan Jane and teams with Nia Jax and Tamina until they split up as a unit. Get wardrobe on the double so I can try on some loincloth jorts now damnit!!!!”

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    McMahon also unveiled plans to re-package Japanese star Shinsuke Nakamura as a North Korean and will portray crazy foreigner leader Kim Jong Un’s main henchman in North America. he will be known as Wan Long Pong.

  3. Captain Obvious says:

    Nick “Big Bully” Busick would be proud of that stache.

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