North Charleston, NC – Returning Superstar Rob Van Dam issued a challenge to Ryback this past Monday Night on Raw that has sent shockwaves throughout the WWE Universe.
“Duder, you can’t be running around in those sweet tights,” said an incredibly laid-back Van Dam. “You’re ganking my style and that is not cool, man. There’s only room for one guy in this company to have a sweet dragon with a yin yang for an eye airbrushed onto his butt and that’s Rob. Van. Dam.” Van Dam then lifted his tights close to his nose, took a deep breath of airbrush chemicals, and shuddered in delight.
“The way I see it, when you left the WWE, you relinquished you claim to having tights that look like an elementary school binder from 1995,” barked Ryback, sporting red tights with airbrushed gears and bolts. “Ryback Rules clearly states that ‘Whatever I finds, I keeps’ and that includes these tights. If you want them, you’ll have to beat me for them. I’ll even let you choose the stipulation.”
A red-eyed Van Dam contemplated for a minute while finishing off an entire bag of Sour Cream & Onion Bugles. “How about this, broheim. We take it back to where these airbrushed tights started. I’m challenging you to a ‘Three Stages Of The Jersey Shore’ match!”
The crowd erupted in cheers despite having no idea what Van Dam was referencing.
Van Dam explained the rules. “In the first stage, Bro-seph, you have to endure an excruciating match of bumper cars. In the second stage, you have to knock all the milk bottles off the pedestal. The third, if you’re man enough, is that game where you shoot water into the clown’s mouth and fill up a balloon. What do you say, big man?” asked Van Dam.
Ryback furrowed his brow and said, “I’ve got one question for you: Can we get some funnel cake afterwards?”
“Of course, Bro-back,” reassured Van Dam. “We’ll get some snackage, go on the Ferris wheel, and maybe hit the arcade. Maybe we’ll even run into Snooki! You know, she actually has a better record at Wrestlemania than you do.”
Ryback quickly ran towards the back, tears streaming down his cheeks.