Stamford, CT – WWE officials have been trying desperately to prevent CEO Vince McMahon from adding booking any matches at Evolution.
The all-female event is the first of it’s kind for the WWE and employees are doing all they can to keep Mr. McMahon from causing problems. Distractions, business trips, and feeding him Nyquil have proved fruitless.
“We really need to spice things up at Evolution,” said McMahon during a booking meeting. “Title matches are nice, but we need something really special. Something that will grab people’s attention!”
“What did you have in mind?” asked McMahon’s son, Shane.
“I’ve been jotting down some ideas that I think you’ll love,” said McMahon, plunking down a large notebook. “Let’s see…Evening Gown match? Bra and Panties match? Lingerie Pillow Fight? Mud wrestling match? Over The Top, Off With The Top? We haven’t done that one in a while!”
“Dad, it’s 2018. We don’t do that anymore,” said his daughter Stephanie.
“You’re right. It’s almost Thanksgiving. We should have a Gravy Bowl match!” said McMahon excitedly.
“No, I mean we are treating women’s matches the same as the men’s matches,” said Stephanie. “You wouldn’t want to see Hunter take on John Cena in a Whipped Cream In A Pool match?”
McMahon paused for a second. “Hmmm. Well, what kind of whipped cream?”
“Look, we can’t go backwards, Vince,” said Triple H. “Times have changed. Oh, and to answer your question, Chocolate Reddi Whip.”
“Lousy millennials,” McMahon muttered under his breath. “Alright, alright. How about a Money In The Bank ladder match?”
The group breathed a sigh of relief.
“That sounds great, Pop,” said Triple H.
“But instead of a contract to challenge for the championship, the briefcase is full of underwear! Big, giant granny panties! HAHAHAHA!” guffawed McMahon.
A collective “No!” shouted down McMahon.
“Fine,” he pouted. “We’ll just bring back Eva Marie.”
An air of uncomfortable silence hanged over the meeting.
“Y’know, that Gravy Bowl match doesn’t sound half bad,” said Stephanie. The group nodded in agreement as McMahon drew up schematics for where the bowl should go.