Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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MOTHER OF CURT HAWKINS DISTRESSED, CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S LETTING HIS CLARINET-PLAYING SKILLS GO TO WASTE
By Justin Henry
Queens, NY – For the mother of WWE wrestler Curt Hawkins, her son’s lack of progress in the largest wrestling organization in the world is particularly frustrating.
Estelle Hawkins, 58, from the Hollis Hills section of Queens, has been very vocal to her son about his inability to rise to respectability and fame in World Wrestling Entertainment.
“I watch that Smackdown every Friday night, and I almost never see my baby,” lamented Mrs. Hawkins. “When I do see him, he’s teaming with that awful thing with dredlocks that looks like a serial rapist, and they almost always lose their matches! But the matches are so rare! Then he says “Ma, I have matches, but you have to go on WWE.com on Thursdays to find them, but that’s when I meet with the girls to do our crafts! What’s a mother to do?”
Seeing Hawkins’ friend, Zack Ryder, faring much better in WWE has also been a source of aggravation for Estelle, who worked long days at the nearby textile mill to give Curt a better life.
“Little Zackie, I’m so proud of him. He found his niche with that, what is it, the wooey-wooey-you-know-me thing? But Curt, his real gift is the clarinet. Ever since his father and I bought him one when he was nine, he would serenade us night after night with Mary Had a Little Lamb, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and the Peter Gunn theme. The clarinet is where his real skills lie. He’s like Eric Clapton, but with a clarinet instead of a guitar!”
Curt, however, has resisted returning to his woodwind roots, and instead continues to ply his trade as an oft-unseen wrestler. For Estelle Hawkins, all those years spent paying for his lessons have seemingly gone to waste.
“Just once, I’d love to see Curt at Carnegie Hall, but I fear it’s going to be as an usher or a valet instead. And I’ll probably never see him there, and he’ll tell me I can watch his usher work on WWE.com with all the other forgotten ushers….”
Estelle, now in tears, declined further comment.