Headlies: Kairi Sane Steals Pirate Ship From Raymond James Stadium

6 Submitted by on Mon, 06 April 2020, 08:00

Tampa, FL – Searching for her own “Wrestlemania Moment” this weekend, beloved Superstar Kairi Sane snuck into Raymond James Stadium and stole the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’’ iconic pirate ship.

Due to the global pandemic, Wrestlemania plans have been thrown into chaos over recent weeks. Typically a weeklong celebration of professional wrestling and sports entertainment, this year’s Wrestlemania has been marred with multiple cancellations and changes. While the two-day event saw many entertaining matches, grand entrances from the participants had to be scrapped. WWE’s “Pirate Princess” had other ideas.

Late last night, Sane and her partner Asuka snuck in to Raymond James Stadium, the original site of this year’s Wrestlemania. Her exaggerated tip-toeing and excessive ‘shush-ing’ was captured by security cameras. Using her umbrella to break a giant padlock over the steering wheel, Sane commandeered the ship. Asuka hoisted the mizzenmast and raised the anchor. A strong gust moved the ship, sending it crashing through the stadium and through the parking lot.

“Kairi thiiiiiiissss!” yelled Sane triumphantly.

“Asuka thiiiiiiissss!” responded Asuka from the Crow’s Nest.

Due to the stay-at-home-order, Tampa’s streets were empty, giving Sane plenty of sailing room. The ship’s hull scraped mightily along the asphalt, shooting sparks out in all directions. Several store fronts were damaged when Asuka accidentally discharged the ship’s six cannons.

The tag team’s reign of terror ended when the ship encountered a moderately-sized hill.

“We stopped the nautical vehicle on Highway 275, about a mile from the Hillsborough River,” said Tampa police chief Brian Dugan. “Police officers boarded the ship at 0700 and apprehended the two suspects. We confiscated several chests full of gold coins, one parrot, and a mysterious treasure map.”

When asked what charges the city is going to bring against the two, Dugan said, “At this time, Tampa will not be charging Ms. Sane. I mean, look at her. She’s just so darn cute. She’s learned her lesson.”

Dugan’s smile turned to a frown when addressing the other culprit. “Asuka will be charged with multiple counts of assaulting a police officer after she spit green mist in their eyes.”

Sane is currently at home with her adorable dog Cheese. Asuka is awaiting trial because WWE CEO Vince McMahon has yet to bail her out of prison.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
6 Responses to "Headlies: Kairi Sane Steals Pirate Ship From Raymond James Stadium"
  1. John C says:

    Three weeks later a still exhausted Bruce Prichard receives a call at 4am from VKM, “Pirates, pal haaaaa haaaa haaaa we need more pirates on tv!!! I just watched a brand new movie on USA called, Pirates Of The Caribbean, pal starring that Johnny Deep. We’re going to have a pirate character named Long Peter Johnson pal, haaa haaa haaaa, get cracking I want costume designs, complete storylines, entrance music with video in 15 minutes. Sleep is for pussies pal!!!!!”

  2. Rodimus says:

    Well, I’ll bail Asuka out, but I doubt that would lead to anything other than expensive bill at a buffet. She really likes buffets.

  3. Derek says:

    This seems true TBH

  4. Caveman says:

    It’s too bad they didn’t call the firefighters to assist, otherwise Pirate Paul Burchill might have just shown up and helped the Pirate Princess escape!

  5. Kevin Lonergan says:

    I soooooooooo want to join this pirate crew!!!

  6. Peter R says:

    To see Asuka’s or Kairi’s name on Wrestlecrap website is ONLY permissable under the ‘Headlies” banner.

    If I EVER see an Asuka induction (with the exception of losing to Carmella TWICE (please induct that crap!!)) shame on you hahaha.

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