Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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JEAN-PIERRE LAFITTE SHOOTS OTHER EYE OUT WITH RED RYDER BB GUN
By Justin Henry
Hohman, IN – Professional wrestler/freelance pirate Jean-Pierre Lafitte had wanted a Red Ryder BB gun his entire life. Despite many Christmases of asking his parents and writing to Santa, begging for the somewhat dangerous toy, Lafitte was always rebuffed with the phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”
This year, visiting with relatives in Hohman, Lafitte was finally given a vintage Red Ryder BB gun from his cousin, Ralph Parker.
Within minutes, Lafitte had put his other eye out.
Lafitte, who lost the use of one eye after a childhood accident, thus steering him into his part-time career of high-seas piracy, had lost the 50/50 proposition and dinged his other eye with the first shot he’d fired.
Parker was so distraught, he could barely enjoy the vintage leg-lamp that Lafitte had gotten him.
“Jean-Pierre and I had each wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time,” said a sullen Parker, sipping his Ovaltine. “We stood in line to see Santa that one year when we were both nine, and that line went all the way to Terre Haute. And we were at the back of it! That year, I got my Red Ryder, but he didn’t. He’d never gotten one, and this year, I wanted to change that.”
Emergency personnel treated Lafitte on the scene and transported him to Hohman General. Once at the hospital, there was a minor issue with the accident report.
“I panicked when helping fill out the report,” explained Parker. “I didn’t want anyone to think gunplay was the result of the eye injury, so I tried to say it was ‘soap poisoning’. We corrected the mistake later, and I apologized.”
As for Lafitte, the wrestler is in good spirits and plans to be more careful with the gun in the future.
“This means no shooting at metal signs,” laughed Parker.
VINCE MCMAHON ENROLLS DANIEL BRYAN IN JELLY-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB IN LIEU OF BONUS
By Justin Henry
Aberdeen, WA – Daniel Bryan is not happy at all.
The technical wrestling wizard was expecting a hefty bonus for his productive year in World Wrestling Entertainment, but was dismayed to see what the reward was for all of that hard work.
Earlier this week, Bryan received a letter in the mail from Stamford, Connecticut, thinking it was the Christmas bonus that he was going to use to go gift shopping with. However, the contents of the letter were merely a welcoming notice into a “jelly of the month” club.
Despite being a noted lover of blackberry jam (January’s featured jelly), Bryan found himself enraged at he’d waited all that time for a bonus from Vince McMahon, only to get this “bag over the head, punch in the face” from his boss.
“I was waiting for that money, because I was going to build a pool for my parents,” said Bryan, who seemed rather worse for wear. “It hasn’t been a great holiday season. First, Eddie Kingston brings his whole family to my place in an RV, and I didn’t even know they were coming. The tree was too big for my house, and I spent three days trying to figure out why my 25,000 Christmas lights wouldn’t turn on. It’s been one disaster after the other.”
For his part, Eddie Kingston has offered to kidnap McMahon and put a big bow on him, but Bryan has advised him not to.
“I appreciate what Eddie’s trying to do, but I can’t let him commit a crime. I’m more preoccupied right now with trying to get this squirrel out of my Christmas tree.”
Bryan then left to hum “Mele Kalikimaka” and fantasize about having sex with AJ on the diving board of the pool he doesn’t have.