Headlies: It’s The Great Pumpkin, Dixie Carter!

4 Submitted by on Fri, 31 October 2014, 08:00


Bethlehem, PA – A cool autumn breeze whipped through TNA president Dixie Carter’s hair as she made her way through the Bethlehem Pumpkin Patch. Carter was planning to spend her entire Halloween evening in the pumpkin patch to meet The Great Pumpkin.

TNA had recently wrapped up a long string of television tapings in the area, but Carter stayed in town in order to meet The Great Pumpkin, a mythical creature that grants wishes to good girls and boys on Halloween night.

“I just know he’s going to be here!” exclaimed Carter to TNA head writer John Gaborik in a cell phone conversation. “The Great Pumpkin is just going to love my welcome sign. It’s got sparkles and day-glo paint and everything! Since I’ve been an extra super duper good girl this year, he’s going to give TNA a 5-year television contract on the network of my choosing!”

Before hanging up, Gaborik gave Carter words of encouragement while he updated his resume.

As the night wore on, Carter’s anticipation for the Great Pumpkin grew. She was teased by several trick-or-treaters who were all dressed as ghosts.

“You’re a real blockhead, Dixie,” said little Gabe Sapolsky. “You should’ve waited for Sinclair Media, not some stupid pumpkin!”

“Or Ted Turner!” exclaimed “Easy E” Eric Bischoff.

“Or Toby Keith!” chimed Jeffy Jarrett

“I’ve got The Rock,” said Vinny McMahon flatly.

“You’re all wrong! All of you!” yelled Carter. “The Great Pumpkin is real! And he’s going to come here and he’s going to grant me wishes and take me out for ice cream and he’ll show you all why you’re a bunch of meanies!”

After the group left, a shadowy figure arose in the pumpkin patch.

“It’s him! It’s the Great Pumpkin!” shouted Carter with glee.

Carter’s excitement turned to disappointment as the figure turned out to be TNA wrestler Jeff Hardy.

“I am a creature of the night!” shrieked Hardy.

“Yeah. Great. Whatever, Jeff. Can you just give me a ride home?” asked an indignant Carter.

“I flew here on a magic carpet made of rainbows and empty White Out bottles! Happy Halloween! OOOOoooooOOOOooo!” screamed Hardy.

“Good enough. Let’s go,” said a tired and cold Carter.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: It’s The Great Pumpkin, Dixie Carter!"
  1. John C says:

    Then just as Dixie was leaving out came Lucy holding up a new tv contract from Spike. Tears in her eyes Dixie ran over to grab it when Lucy cruelly pulled it away, “What a blockhead.”, was all Dixie heard as Lucy walked away.

  2. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    This Headlie is great, and makes me want to break out my Vince Guaraldi Peanuts soundtrack CDs.

  3. Preparation Triple H says:

    Good grief.

  4. the14thListener says:

    I’m going to miss Dixie if TNA goes away. When Vince screws up, like he has been recently, it’s just boring and depressing and I find other things to do.

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