Stamford, CT – Local and state police officers were called to Titan Towers, the headquarters of WWE, after a gruesome discovery was made in the company’s basement.
Earlier this week, WWE announced that they were moving to a new office complex in 2021 after decades at Titan Towers. The grisly discovery was made during a routine walkthrough from building inspectors, realtors, and potential buyers.
“We were making sure Titan Towers was structurally sound,” said local contractor Buck Powell. “As we were leaving the basement, I caught a glimpse of something in the corner of the room. It was a chunk of the Abraham Washington show on top of a pile of John Cena getting stabbed by Carlito’s bodyguard, Jesus. I immediately called the police.”
“I’ve been on the force for over twenty years and I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Detective Joseph Nelson as he lit a cigarette. “You’d think being in this line of work for so long that you’d get used to seeing the true depravity of man. You’d be wrong. I…I just don’t know how someone could do that to those innocent storylines.”
Detective Nelson gazed quietly in to the distance as a rookie police officer threw up behind a squad car.
“We’ve really got our work cut out for us,” said police chief Jonathan Fontneau. “Our forensics team is working with several others to try to piece together everything. It’s a real mess. In just one section there were bits of who blew up Mr. McMahon’s limo mixed in with some Best In The World tournament, Juan Cena, Paul and Katie Lea Burchill, and Emmalina. All of that stuffed inside a lock box with the initials ‘S M’ on it. It really is a graveyard of broken dreams and bad angles.”
Amid the investigation, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made a quick statement before Monday Night Raw.
McMahon, sporting a neck brace for unknown reasons, said “There’s no evidence that those angles came from us. They could have come from any wrestling company. Did I say ‘wrestling’? See? We’re ‘sports entertainment’ so it couldn’t possibly be us. And no one go looking for wine-making Erick Rowan! Case closed!”