Headlies: Green Shirt Guy To Be Used As A Weapon At Extreme Rules

9 Submitted by on Mon, 09 July 2018, 08:00

Boston, MA – In a first for WWE, a fan will be a legal weapon during all matches at Extreme Rules. The surprise announcement was made by WWE COO Triple H live on Monday Night Raw.

Triple H, wearing his coolest leather jacket, gave a patented extended promo to start the show. He passionately laid out the history of Extreme Rules, giving several nods to ECW and concession stand brawls.

“Chairs, chains, barbed wire baseball bats, flaming tables, falling off cages, testicles hooked up to car batteries. Yeah, they’re great, but we could do better,” said Triple H, unintentionally dismissing many memorable moments and matches.

“The WWE Universe is ready for the next level of extreme. When I say “Extreme Rules” I want to mean ‘Extreme Rules!’” yelled Triple H while ripping off the sleeves of his leather jacket to reveal a denim jacket underneath.

Looking directly into the camera and shouted “Are you ready?!” causing many in attendance to believe that Degeneration-X was reforming. “Then let’s get ready to…welcome Green Shirt Guuuuyyyyyyy!!!!” The longtime fan, often seen in the front row of WWE events in his trademark lime green smiley face shirt, carefully hopped over the guardrail and walked up the stairs as Triple H held the ropes open.

“Say hello to my friend Smiley,” said Triple H. “He is the personification of the WWE Universe. He is loyal no matter how bad things get. Next Sunday, we are going to reward his incredible and, frankly, baffling, dedication to WWE by making him a part of Extreme Rules. For one night only, Smiley can legally be used by any WWE Superstar as a weapon.”

Fans roared with approval at the thought of one human being beating another human being with a human being.

“Will Nia Jax launch Smiley like a missile at Alexa Bliss? Is Shinsuke Nakamura going to have Smiley kick Jeff Hardy in the grapefruits? Can Rusev pick Smiley up like a baseball bat and hit AJ Styles to win the WWE Championship? Sign up for the WWE Network to find out!” said Triple H to deafening cheers.

Fellow WWE Superfans Sign Guy, Brock Lesnar Guy, and Izzy were unavailable for comment.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
9 Responses to "Headlies: Green Shirt Guy To Be Used As A Weapon At Extreme Rules"
  1. Jason Landry says:

    Had to check wwe.com to see if this was satire. I am disappointed.

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    By ‘patented extended promo’ do you mean those droning speeches he used to open RAW with that went “A-huh-a-huh-a-huh-I-am-the-game-a-huh-a-huh-a-huh-THAT-DAMN-GOOD”? Well, that’s how I recall them…

    • Adam says:

      “I’m going to destroy you, [whichever former WCW wrestler I’m currently ‘feuding’ with]! That place was a joke, and so are you! No, I’m not still bitter they only had me as an opening match guy, before firing me.”

  3. Jim says:

    Bring back Bob Backlund shirt guy.

  4. Darryl Stewart says:

    Whatever happened to Faith No More Guy? If anyone would be EXTREME~!, he would! Mind you, I’ll definitely co-sign on the suggestion offered here as long as Green Shirt Guy explains how the heck he gets so much time off work to go to all these shows (unless he’s independently wealthy and doesn’t need to work, of course).

  5. DarthPitch says:

    Hat Guy, Vlad, and Faith No More Guy will all do run-ins.

  6. Trigunkwan says:

    Cease and Desist! This is clearly gimmick infringement! Minoru Suzuki does this every match. It’s called Suzuki versus the Young Lions!

  7. Harry Beaver says:

    So I might have missed him but I’m pretty sure Green Shirt Guy wasn’t in the front row at Extreme Rules. At least not on the hard camera side like he usually is.

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