Washington, DC – In a stunning admission, President Obama admitted that every conspiracy theory believed by WWE trainer and wrestler Brian Kendrick is, in fact, true.
Flanked by ranking members of the Armed Services and Pentagon officials, the President explained why the government was coming forward now.
“My final term is coming up and I’m done being ‘No drama Obama’,” said President Obama. “Mr. Kendrick has been on the government’s radar for a long time with his various shoot interviews and podcasts expressing his conspiracy theories and ideas. Well, I and these men and women behind me are here to tell you that Brian is 100% correct.”
Kendrick, wearing his trademark oversized white jacket, rose from his seat and began to do a slow victory dance. His reddened and glassy eyes shined as his arms gently flailed around.
“What conspiracy theories was Brian right about?” asked ABC reporter Jonathan Karl.
“All of them,” answered President Obama. “Area 51. Illuminati controlling the markets. Putin is really a puppet leader of the Girl Scouts of America. Lizard People assuming human form to one day destroy humanity. Sprite and 7UP are actually just old Lemon-Lime flavored Slice. All of it true. Even the conflicting stuff like the moon is a hollow hideaway for Nazi scientists and the moon is actually filled with chocolate. Both true. I can’t believe he even got the one about the sun actually being cold and the planet being heated with giant lamps. Amazing!”
“Are there any conspiracies that he didn’t get?” asked NBC reporter Kasie Hunt.
“Actually, there was one,” said Obama slyly as he pulled down a zipper from his head, revealing himself to be TNA President Dixie Carter.
Kendrick woke up screaming in his bed.
“Oh, dude,” said a revealed Kendrick. “I really got to lay off the After Dark radio shows before going to bed.”