Stamford, CT – In an impromptu news conference Monday morning, WWE CEO Vince McMahon announced that his company has signed former TNA mascot Stomper to be the new face of his company.
Several weeks ago, Impact Wrestling officials were seen entering WWE Headquarters. While many speculated that WWE was interested in buying Impact Wrestling outright, the truth was more surprising than expected.
“Our recent show in Australia was just great,” said Vince McMahon. “The people, the places, all the Vegemite I could handle. The complete lack of Mad Maxes. What I loved the most were the animals. Wallabies, dingoes, wombats, and the noble platypus. All wonderful. No koalas though. They’re co-dependents that hang on to bigger, more important animals.”
“Like me, Vince?” asked WWE producer Kevin Dunn as he clung to McMahon’s back.
“Eat your eucalyptus, Kevin,” commanded McMahon.
“There was one animal that was king above others in Australia,” he continued. “That mighty kangaroo. Tall, aggressive, and deadly. Built like Lex Luger, but more agile. Yes, the kangaroo perfectly matches WWE in 2018. That’s why we cut a deal with Impact Wrestling to bring Stomper The Kangaroo to the WWE family!”
Stomper, sporting a Brie Mode shirt, waved and performer a brief jig to the classic Australian song, Waltzing Matilda. His unwavering stare and permanent smirk unnevered several photographers in the crowd.
“We obviously want to get Stomper started right away, so he’s got a signing at a Gamestop this morning, visiting kids at Stamford Memorial hospital this afternoon. Tomorrow, he’s going to Washington D.C. to talk with politicians about our trip to Saudi Arabia. Show them a little razzle dazzle and distract…I mean, convince them that Crown Jewel should go on. If all goes well, Stomper will start working on our planned trip to North Korea for 2019.”