Headlies: Fan Already Upset Over The Outcome Of The Cena-Orton Match

9 Submitted by on Fri, 13 December 2013, 08:00


Topeka, KS – During 6th period lunch, lifetime wrestling fan Jayden Griswald let everyone within earshot know that he already hated how the John Cena-Randy Orton was going to end. This was despite the fact that the TLC Pay-Per-View was not occurring for a few more days.

“They have no idea what they’re doing,” said the C minus-average high school sophomore. “I can’t believe they’re going to have John Cena win again and become, like, super-duper mega champion. ‘You can’t see me?’ Nobody wants to see you, loser!”

Griswald took a large sip from his Monster Assault energy drink and continued, “And, oh God, it’s going to be so bad when Randy Orton wins. The McMahons would stoop that low shoving Boreton down our throats. That guy has no idea what he’s doing and his father totally sucked. Vince is so stupid. Why doesn’t he listen to what the fans want? My sister could book a better Pay-Per-View.”

When Griswald’s friend Hayden suggested that maybe Daniel Bryan would be added to the match, Griswald exploded, “That would be the worst thing ever, Hayden! You know why? Because they’d screw it up! They’d make him shave his beard or cut his hair. They’ll make him change his moves.  They should just let American Dragon be American Dragon. I’ll bet they just make Triple H champ and Stephanie his co-champ or something. That would so be hashtag lame. Ugh, WWE is the worst!” said Griswald as he finished his lunch of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Gushers.

“Totally,” said Griswald’s other friend Brayden. “So you guys still coming to my house to watch TLC? I got a Chrome Cast, so we can watch the stream right on the TV!”

The entire group gave the affirmative as the bell rang, marking the end of their lunch.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
9 Responses to "Headlies: Fan Already Upset Over The Outcome Of The Cena-Orton Match"
  1. John says:

    This seems like such a great idea to hot shot a Title Unification match on a C-grade ppv with no real build up to it. It’ll probably lead to a Taker run-in to set up a WrestleMania match with him and SuperCena, then Cena gets to be the man to beat the streak. This way Cena will be so much more loved by the fans.

  2. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Ha! You capture the attitude of so many smirks (that’s what I call certain types of smarks) so very well… Love the way this one ended, too.

  3. Walt says:

    Yes, WWE fan boys complain and whine but go back for more because WWE knows these fanboys don’t have the will to walk away. Captured it nicely.

    While the company shills another boring Cena vs Orton thing, I’m looking forward to Wrestle Kingdom 8 at the Tokyo Dome. Saw a pic on a puroresu forum the other day, it was from a WWE event and a fan had a sign saying Okada>Cena…so true.

  4. patricko says:

    Just the right amount of references to engery drinks and junk food. Nice.

    What’s a Chrome Cast? Is this referencing some kind of way to dowload w/o actually paying?
    if so – perfect ending.

    Is John, in his comment above, channeling Brayden and Jayden?

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      You can plug a Chromcast into your tv and you’re able to watch stuff off your laptop or smartphone.

      And I believe John IS Brayden. Or Jayden. Or Hayden.

  5. Doc 902714 says:

    “super-duper mega champion” should be the new name for the WWE unified championship

  6. Sir Thomas says:

    I’m more interested in Daniel Bryan VS The Wyatts anyway.

  7. Thomas Moffatt says:

    There will be no real winner in the title match – it’s like have your head smashed in with a baseball bat or having your head hacked off – the outcome will not be pleasant

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