Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here
DOLPH ZIGGLER TO TAKE NICKY’S PLACE DURING FORTHCOMING SPIRIT SQUAD REUNION
By Justin Henry
Las Vegas, NV – World Wrestling Entertainment is known for its use of ‘classic characters’ on their television programming, usually to help lighten the mood, serving as nostalgic relief in contrast to the serious tones of their bigger story arcs.
One such act will be brought back for a one time appearance on June 27, as Raw will emanate from the Thomas and Mack Center in Las Vegas. For one night, the fearsome five-some of the Spirit Squad will reunite for what will likely be a comedy segment.
It was once believed that such a reunion would never take place, due to the mysterious disappearance of “Nicky”, the vaunted “fourth introductee”, in the fall of 2008.
However, thanks to the benevolence of a Raw mainstay, the reunion will go on as scheduled.
“We thought this day would never come after Nicky went AWOL,” said Raymond Brendli, who played the spastic “Mikey”. “But thanks to Dolph Ziggler, a former World Heavyweight and Intercontinental champion, we will have five men in forest green cheerleader attire come June 27! We couldn’t have done this without him.”
Indeed, the combination of Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Dolph, and Mikey will come together, matching attire and all, to lead their traditional off-key cheers, hopefully to the delight of the Las Vegas crowd.
“The amazing thing is, we got together last week to rehearse some of our old tricks,” continued Brendli. “We went to explain to Dolph what Nicky would have done and, without warning, he busted into Nicky’s old dance routine without a word of explanation! I know when Nicky vanished, there were many people who wished they could, you know, carry on his spirit in some way. Dolph just comes in on Monday afternoon, and my God, it was like Nicky was still here today. We were SPEECHLESS, man.”
Ziggler, who emerged from out of nowhere in the fall of 2008, considers the Spirit Squad to be one of his big inspirations in wrestling, Nicky in particular.
“I wanted to be like Nicky, and I see a lot of similarities between him and myself,” said a humbled Ziggler. “With a few more years under my belt in terms of experience, I guess I consider myself to be, well, Nicky with a few years of experience. Pro Wrestling Torch and Wrestling Observer have both said I’m a much-more improved Nicky, which is what I consider the most rewarding compliments.”
Nicky, whose 2008 disappearance has led to him being considered “the Jimmy Hoffa of professional wrestling”, may forever remain in hidden straits. However, Ziggler, as something of a protégé, offers the following words:
“Nicky, wherever you’re at, thank you. I know it was tough being demoted to developmental after the Squad’s run ended, and I know you were excited about your inevitable call-up in 2008. It was tough last week when Mikey and Johnny took me to meet your mother, and she thought I was you. But don’t worry: we’re going to look after her, even if we have to have her institutionalized. Enjoy our tribute, and Godspeed.”
NEXT SEASON OF TOUGH ENOUGH TO SEARCH FOR NEXT BARELY USED ANNOUNCER
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – On the successes of the revamped edition of WWE Tough Enough, complete with Andy Leavine being declared the winner in dramatic fashion, Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment have gone ahead with plans for a sequel.
However, instead of looking for the next in-ring superstar to do battle with The Miz or John Cena, focus is being shifted to another important area in WWE.
With a new season beginning this August, the sixth installment of WWE Tough Enough will conduct a search for the next barely used announcer.
“I’m really excited for this competition, because it stresses a necessity that we have,” said Josh Mathews, who is the host of the show. “As a contestant on the very first Tough Enough in 2001, I know how lucky I am to fit WWE’s criteria of “Well, he’s a good worker, but too small. Kevin Dunn has a crush on him, so maybe stick him in the booth?”, and there are DOZENS of handsome, hair gelled men out there that can look good in a suit and not complain when Dunn winks at them.”
Mathews, who will be hosting the show with trainers Chris Leary, Jack Korpela, and Stephanie Wiand, is excited to pare down a field of thirteen competitors down to one, in the hopes of seeing who IS Tough Enough…..to hold a microphone, spout the company line, and recap storylines on international versions of WWE programming.
“The hardest part of this competition is seeing who feels less remorse about getting paid to do almost nothing,” Mathews continued. “Korpela has a great gig. He just stands in WWE Studios, looking like a dolled-up, matinee idol version of David Faustino, and tries to sound excited about Brie Bella vs. Kelly Kelly. The only challenge of that is not being grossed out as Kevin Dunn lathers his hands with Lubriderm just off camera. A year of doing that for $110,000? Pretty sweet gig!”
Korpela warns prospective applicants that, while they may have great voices and a wealth of knowledge regarding WWE history, looks are pretty much the most important thing.
“If you look like that lard-assed “it’s still real to me” fan, don’t even bother applying,” said an unrepentant Korpela. “This competition is strictly based on looks, much like the Diva Search and Tough Enough IV. We’re not looking for journalism majors or professional announcers or anything. But if you have access to bronzer, hair gel, and look like a model from a dating site, then what are you waiting for? We have a studio gig waiting for you!”
When the competition concludes in the fall, Mathews remains convinced that the right person will win, and looks forward to welcoming his newest co-worker.
“At the end of the day, it’s a pretty unique job, and it requires a certain level of talent. But if you can make fans say “Who the hell is this person?”, “They were just hired for their looks!”, and “I miss Mean Gene!”, then you’ve doing it right. And the winner will be that person.”