Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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DIXIE CARTER’S FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM BOASTS HAS-BEENS AND NEVER WERES APPROVED BY HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFF
By Justin Henry
Nashville, TN – With the 2011 NFL season gearing up, thousands of fantasy football players are excitedly holding their drafts, both online and in person, for the ultimate complimentary pastime to “America’s game”.
TNA President Dixie Carter, a Tennessee Titans fan, is playing in her first league this season and if her drafted roster is any indication, it’s going to be her last time playing.
Carter recently sat down with nine friends from her social circle for a fantasy draft at one of their homes, and selected her 18 person roster, with many of her selections, and reasoning behind them, dumbfounding her friends.
“She took Cedric Benson in round one, which is a bit high, but it’s reasonable,” said Luann Dermel, a local merchant and friend of Carter’s. “She laughed when she made the pick, saying she couldn’t believe everyone had passed up on Benson’s obvious talent. My friend Gayle pointed out that Benson has a history of legal problems, and Dixie just shrugged, saying ‘I never take those into account when I acquire someone.’ It was all downhill from there.”
Dixie’s next few picks were just as astonishing, including the likes of running backs Fred Taylor and Clinton Portis, as well as quarterback Mark Brunell. The latter two are both free agents well into their thirties with injury concerns, while Brunell is a back-up for the New York Jets in his early forties.
“At that point, my husband, Carl, tried to talk her out of Portis and Brunell, just trying to be nice,” explained Dermel. “Dixie just said she remembers that they were great at one point in their careers, and greatness once is greatness always. She even claimed that the more big names she had, no matter how old or useless, the more ‘interest’ her team was going to draw, or something.”
About halfway through the draft, Dermel claims, Carter froze and asked if she was required to pay for the injuries of anyone on her team. Carl Dermel explained that there was no such rule in fantasy football, and Carter “let out a long, relieved sigh.”
Then things got even stranger.
“After the twelfth round, Hulk Hogan called her, which we thought was kind of cool,” said Carl Dermel. She read off her roster to Hulk and, after a weird pause, she began to cross names off. When the call ended, she calmly told us that she needed to cut Sam Bradford, DeSean Jackson, and Rashard Mendenhall, because they were all “young punks that can’t draw like the veterans draw.” I have never seen a business run in this fashion. Is this really how she runs TNA?”
The evening concluded when Eric Bischoff, in Nashville to discuss business with Dixie, gave his boss a ride home. And even that turned ugly.
“Our friend Brenda jokingly said to Eric that Dixie’s team could afford to hit the waiver wire,” added Carl Dermel. “Bischoff sneered and responded that Brenda has never drawn in her life, whereas Bischoff’s fantasy team from 1996 set all kinds of records. What is it with him and stuff that happened fifteen years ago?”
CM PUNK FANS FINALLY BUY INTO “CYCLICAL BUSINESS” AS REASON FOR LOW RAW RATINGS
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – Ratings for WWE Monday Night Raw have barely moved over the last two months, a time period that coincides with the rise of internet folk legend CM Punk as firebrand anti-hero.
Since stunning the wrestling world with a canon-breaking speech on June 27, in which Punk brazenly ripped WWE’s power structure and corporate climate, ratings have barely moved northward for World Wrestling Entertainment. Despite high praise and constant buzz on wrestling websites, the ratings trend indicates that CM Punk may not be the flagbearer that ushers in a new era after all.
However, many of Punk’s supporters are quickly providing reasons for the lack of upward mobility for Raw’s ratings.
“For years, when business is bad, promoters used to say ‘business is cyclical’, and we thought it was a crock,” said Gregg Corksugger, a recently disgraced Kinkos employee. “But now that CM Punk has failed to bring Raw up to the 5.0s and 5.5s that we were expecting, I guess those promoters were right. I mean, they’re giving us everything that we asked for: worked shoots, longer wrestling matches, more foul language, and pushes for guys like Daniel Bryan and Evan Bourne, and the ratings STILL aren’t moving. The only excuse I can think of is that the business is indeed cyclical.”
Is that the reason? Or is there something else in play that an explain Raw’s woes?
“Well, it’s not like we as fans are a bunch of hypocrites that just bitch and complain about the show, and then still don’t watch when they finally give us what we want. I doubt THAT could be the reason,” Corksugger offered.
There are, however, other theories as to why Raw isn’t doing the numbers it was doing in 1998 or 1999.
“Frankly, I think it’s all an elaborate protest, like a silent flash mob,” said Tony Marmule, who cleans up nacho cheese stains after CHIKARA events. “When Punk lambasts the company in his promos, it’s like all of the smart fans, like me, understand that, by giving WWE ratings, it affirms their belief that they’re doing great. If the ratings continue to suck, it only proves Punk’s point. Have I considered the possibility that, by not watching WWE, we’re sabotaging Punk’s chance at sustained main event pushes and company-wide faith? Not really, most of my focus goes into what color mop head I want to use next time.”
Corksugger concedes that Marmule may have a point in his theory.
“At the end of the day, whatever theory makes Punk sound the best and that evil corporate WWE sound worst is what I’m going to buy into. Punk is a religious figure to us and, like most religions, we’re willing to suspend cold, hard numbers in the face of blind faith. And as long as WWE is around, I will never support their arcane, evil corporate practices! Viva la Punk!”
Corksugger added that if WWE makes a CM Punk DVD, he’d totally buy it in a heartbeat, but he’d “make sure” that WWE never got his money.