Dallas, TX – On December 20th, TNA President Dixie Carter went to the Galleria Dallas to meet her hero Santa Claus and give him her wishlist.
A determined Carter power-walked through the mall, forgoing stops at her favorite stores Forever 21, Godiva, and Spencer’s Gifts to reach Santa. Unphased by the long line, Dixie shoved her way through the crowd of children to the front. She anxiously tapped her foot and checked her watch several times until the little boy in front of her was finished. When one of Santa’s elf helpers called “Next”, Dixie ran up and jumped into Santa’s lap.
“Whoa there, little missy!” said Santa. “Aren’t you a little big to be asking Santa for things? Maybe your Mommy and Daddy can…”
“Look Santa, Mommy and Daddy aren’t cutting it anymore,” interrupted Carter. “I figured I had to go straight to the source to get what I want.”
Carter then unfolded a long wishlist and then began reciting her deepest wishes.
“Okay, first I want a 10-year contract on Pop TV. Next, I want those jerkbutts at Destination America to eat at Chipolte and get all sorts of tummy problems. Then I want John Cena to realize that he’s wasting his potential in WWE and to come to TNA. After that, I want a 10-sided ring, a diamond ring, some onion rings, new ropes, new turnbuckles lots of pyro, and a DixieTron to show all our intro videos and backstage skits. I want a new TNA video game, TNA ringtones, a TNA breakfast nook, a TNA theme park, and a TNA movie. Oh, and I also want a gift card to Olive Garden. Dang, I love those breadsticks. They’re so yummers.”
“As long as you’ve been a good girl! Ho ho ho!” said Santa.
“Don’t screw with me, Santa. I’ve been the best girl. Make it happen otherwise I’ll get Summer Santa, who looks like my daddy and smells of bourbon, to come after you.”
Santa nervously patted Carter on the head as his elf helper escorted Carter to the exit.
Before leaving, Carter turned around, pointed at her eyes and then pointed at Santa, and then shouted, “Merry Christmas, Sugah Claus!”