Mill Valley, CA – WWE Superstar Brian Kendrick wants to show you something cool that he found in the woods. You both skip Chemistry class and head out into the woods behind the baseball field.
“Dude, it’s going to blow your mind!” says Kendrick as you walk deeper and deeper in the woods.
Kendrick has always been a little different, but you trust him anyway. Sure he has wild hair, a crazy look in his eyes, and smells like stale Chili Cheese Fritos and pickle juice, but he’s just so darn entertaining. You ignore your head and go with your gut, pushing on through the thick brush, over the creek, and past the old maple syrup shack.
“Brian, hold up!” you beg as you try to catch your breath.
“Bro, our bodies aren’t real,” said Kendrick matter-of-factly. You shouldn’t be tired. This is all just a manifestation of our own collective consciousness. You need to free yourself from that group-think corporate mentality. Also, the sun is really cold and the moon landing was fake.”
You stop and try to process all that Kendrick has said when he tells you that you’ve reached your destination.
“Man, it’s right there,” whispered Kendrick.
You strain your eyes and see a large pile a few hundred feet away.
“It’s a dead body, man!” Kendrick exclaimed. “I found it last week when I came out here to smoke p..I mean, meditate. I dare you to poke it with a stick!”
You and Brian inch quietly closer to the body, sticks in hand. Your heart pounds in your chest as sweat pours down your back.
Suddenly, the pile moves and you both jump back.
“Uggggh!” said the pile.
You hold the stick like a baseball bat, ready to swing at the amorphous pile. Your fear melts away as you recognize that the pile has long bleach blond hair and is wearing a long sequenced Confederate flag robe.
“Man, where the hell am I?” said the man. “Last thing I remember, I was doing shots in the bar with the boys, next thing I know, I’m laying in this pile of leaves and using a squirrel as a pillow! Say, can you boys give me a ride to town?”
You and Kendrick then spend the rest of the afternoon getting a badly hungover Michael Hayes a ride to his hotel.