Austin, TX – After indicating that he is retiring from professional wrestling, boredom has already set in for The Undertaker. Despite doing occasional interviews through Skype, the Deadman he has had difficulty adjusting to domestic life.
“It will take some time to get used to retirement,” said his wife, former WWE Diva Michelle McCool. “When he’s not leaving angry comments on Youtube, he’s usually sitting in his La-Z-Boy mindlessly shooting lighting out of his hands. Completely ruined our stereo. Just this morning, I caught him staring out the window for a long time. When I asked him why, he said he was playing ‘mind games’ with the neighbor’s dog.”
“The lights turning off and on for no reason is getting really annoying,” complained McCool. “He scared the absolute crap out of me last night when he teleported into the kitchen to ask me what we were having for dinner.”
The Undertaker’s boredom has also extended to his brother, Kane.
“I keep telling him to stop texting me while I’m at work. I have a town to run now and I don’t need to hear about some part he just bought for his dumb motorcycle,” said the mayor of Knox County. “When I didn’t respond fast enough, my desk caught on fire.”
In an effort to cheer up the aimless Superstar, McCool has arranged some druids to do a drive-by parade.
“I think seeing his druids will really cheer him up. We’ll have a fog machine, some torches. Limp Bizkit blasting through a boombox. Maybe even a car full of dirt with a druid gasping for air, begging for his life. Y’know, fun stuff.”