-Looser Than a Louisiana Ring Rat Challenge: Rey Mysterio’s mask was designed for somebody with a cranium three sizes larger than his. This was apparent when he had to slow down several times during his opener with Eddie Guerrero to adjust his trademark hood. The halts ruined what could have been an epic showdown. As Eddie, find a staple gun at ringside and, using only the subtlety that Eddie possesses, sneak in some quick clips to the head of Rey-Rey, in order to keep the mask in place. Sure, it’ll hurt like a son-of-a-Gagne, but the workrate freaks who herald your Halloween Havoc 1997 match as a masterpiece will be glad you did.
-Feeling Like an Ass Challenge: Act like booking sumo icon Akebono in a sumo match with Big Show was a great use of money. You don’t unlock anything by doing so, but Kevin Dunn will immediately hire you to either work in public relations, or to give the quarterly stock report.
-Beat a Dead Guerrero Challenge: As JBL, do the Eddie Guerrero shoulder-shimmy taunt at least eight times during your match with Chris Benoit, in order to draw heel heat. This is much more effective than actually having a storyline.
-Beat a Dead Guerrero Part II Challenge: As Rey Mysterio, win the World Title in anticlimatic fashion from Kurt Angle in a triple threat match. Dedicate the win, as well as your Rumble win, your children’s report cards, the purchase of your wife’s edible undies, the fact that the moon is full, and your discovery of 4chan to Eddie’s memory. Don’t leave any of these acknowledged blessings out; the people might not think you cared about Eddie enough.
-Baby Cam Challenge: In one of the more quizzical moments of the event’s 23rd incarnation, Vince McMahon spoke to his granddaughter Aurora while she lay in her stroller. We know this, because a camera gave us an Aurora’s-Eye View of Vince while he mocked Donald Trump. Using ‘Baby Cam’, parade through the backstage area and see what you can pick up with this hidden recording device. If you catch Ric Flair weeping over having to work a dark match and/or accidentally killing a top-shelf escort by chopping her so hard that she fell out of the hotel room window, you unlock a new venue: the pawn shop his Hall of Fame ring once resided in.
-A Human Tundra in Tights Challenge: As Vince McMahon, find somebody more apathetic, uninterested, and oblivious to the importance of a marquee WrestleMania match than Bobby Lashley. Put that cookie crumb down; people are at least interested in cookies.
-He Makes Faces Alone Challenge: As Batista, make as comical a grimace as you can when Umaga hits you with the Samoan Spike. Grabbing your neck in pain before you fall also works, as it makes people think you were hit with a blow dart. Yelling something like “OUCH. MY NECK.” will unlock Lex Luger, the Babe Ruth of Overselling.
-Boxers are More Credible than Sumo Wrestlers Challenge: As Big Show, lose to Floyd Mayweather, and continue your run of WrestleMania humiliations. As a bonus, you can also job to Burger King’s Herb if you’ve unlocked him already.
-To No One’s Delight Challenge: As Santino Marella, win a pointless Divas Battle Royal while dressed in drag, while claiming to be Santino’s sister Santina. Then go shower with your clothes on for an hour, because you’re helping WWE perpetuate their lowest common denominator form of alleged comedy. Shame on you.
-If It’s Not Scottish, It Hits Its Mark Challenge: As Rowdy Roddy Piper, attempt a dropkick at age 54. Remember when critics said nothing could be uglier than Hell Comes to Frogtown? This is your chance to prove them wrong.
-Slapfest Challenge: As either Cody Rhodes or Ted Dibiase, engage the other in the worst ringside brawl known to man. Any sign of coordination automatically restarts the challenge, so make sure you’re extra pathetic. Picture Foster Brooks playing Dance Dance Revolution. That’s how uncoordinated it needs to look.
-Sunglasses at Night Challenge: As Bruce Hart, insist on wearing your Bad Company sunglasses to referee the street fight between Vince McMahon and brother Bret. During the match, whisper job requests to Vince, insisting that you still have one great run in you. If you don’t get your way, give everyone a low blow, which was a Stampede staple from 1981 until the dying days. Ten ball-shots unlocks Karachi Vice and the Viet Cong Express, which practically doubles the number of legit teams WWE had in 2010.
-What the Shoehorning is Cooking Challenge: As The Rock, cut a 15 minute promo to open the biggest event of the year, in order to justify the gratuitous check Vince cut you for showing up. Talk about anything, from poontang to whooping candy asses to March Madness to the mating habits of South American foal. Don’t worry about making Daniel Bryan’s WrestleMania weekend a total wash. Anything you can do, the company can do better, given a year.
-Ruin a Good Thing Challenge: Michael Cole actually caught on as an effective heel, and his feud with Jerry Lawler had potential to lead to a fun, overbooked schmozz at WrestleMania. During the entire ordeal, which including entrances and post-match activity encompasses thirty minutes, don’t do anything that would be construed as exciting or memorable. Instead, work Lawler’s leg for approximately an hour. You hear those boos? CM Punk WISHES he could have gotten that kinda heat in 2012.
-18 Seconds Challenge: As Sheamus, beat Daniel Bryan in 18 seconds to become World Heavyweight Champion. For those of you saying, “That’s not Crap; it ELEVATED Bryan!”, were you among the crowd that watched Bryan fail to leave four straight PPVs as WWE Champion this summer and fall, and then was shunted down to feud with Deliverance Dynasty while Big Show usurped his “YES” chants? Might want some picante sauce to kick up that crow yer munchin’.
-Spinebusters Are Lethal Challenge: As Shawn Michaels, with a straight face, try and stop the Hell in a Cell match (and thus end Undertaker’s streak) after Triple H lands three spinebusters on a man who survived being buried alive (twice), incinerated in a casket (twice), levitating to the Heavens after his urn was opened, numerous bloody wrestling matches, and a 2010 pyro accident. Because when Triple H hits a spinebuster, call the f–king coroner, man. Stretching the bounds of credibility in this fashion unlocks Vince Russo.
-Shawn on Speed Dial Challenge: You’re Triple H and, uh oh, you have to wrestle a 20+ minute match! Do you what you always do post-2011 when your opponent isn’t a spry youngster: convince Shawn Michaels to either be the referee, or your cornerman, so that he can take all of the bumps while you suck wind after landing your purported Harley Race knee. Thus unlocks Paul Heyman, who always had a knack for disguising the glaring weaknesses of his workers.
-Fake is the New Reality Challenge: As Vince and/or Kevin Dunn, inform the participants of the eight person tag that the match is cancelled, owing to time constraints. Make sure to have cameras on the female participants, who are all conveniently slotted to star in a WWE reality series on E! beginning in July. When the Divas start crying, film every second. If there’s an audience that will buy into anything, and thus become a mine-worthy segment of monetary exploitation, it’s women who aspire to be as glamorous and respectable as the skanks that populate “Real Housewives Of”-style shows.
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